Skip the Guilt Trap: Simple steps to help you move on with your life. Gael Lindenfield

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      Cheap travel has also let many more people see for themselves the contrast between their lives and those of people in less-developed countries. The latest global financial crisis has also brought many face to face with the hardship of others. We don’t need statistics to tell us that, in spite of all the aid programmes, the gap between the poor and the rich has widened.

       I know that a man who shows me his wealth is like the beggar who shows me his poverty; they are both looking for alms from me – the rich man for the alms of my envy, the poor man for the alms of my guilt.

       BEN HECHT, AMERICAN AUTHOR

      Of course we need to face these uncomfortable facts, but we also need to remember that affluence guilt can become a burden to bear. When this happens we can lose the will to aid those whom we wanted to help. When people become depressed by their guilt they can sink into cynicism or powerlessness.

      This tragically ironic quote from John Lennon says it all.

       Guilt for being rich, and guilt thinking that perhaps love and peace isn’t enough and you have to go and get shot or something.

       JOHN LENNON, WHO WAS SHOT AND KILLED IN HIS FORTIETH YEAR

      There are many people who would argue with me that the very opposite of affluence guilt is starting up. They might point to the incredible queues that I, too, have seen outside designer shops in some of the poorest countries. They might also draw my attention to the ‘canonisation’ of celebrities and the way they are worshipped. They would say that their expensive clothes and wealthy lifestyles are emulated rather than criticised.

       I feel bad sometimes that I ever did it.

       JOHN SYLVAN, A MULTIBILLIONAIRE, ON THE GROUND COFFEE CAPSULE HE INVENTED

      Ultimately, everyone has to choose which of these positions to take. The choice will affect the amount of guilt they carry themselves and notice in others. I know it is a subject that troubles many of the people I meet and encounter via the media.

      But you don’t need to have billions before you feel this guilt. It has been a lifelong issue for me. My childhood experiences undoubtedly were a major influence.

      As I have mentioned before, for much of my childhood I was brought up in poorly funded children’s homes. From an early age I was aware that I was more deprived than the children around me at school. However, the nuns who schooled me kept me aware of others who were worse off than myself. When I had to choose a saint’s name for my first communion, I chose Elizabeth. This saint was a noble lady who was beatified because, in spite of her mean and aggressive husband, she found ‘miraculous’ ways to help the poor. Throughout my childhood I prayed to this saint to help me become like her. Although during my life I have worked for and given to charities, I have never been able to match her and I never will. No wonder I continually battle with affluence guilt!

       At this time my only guilt comes from having to charge for the work I do, otherwise I can’t put a roof over my head!

       FRANCESCA, A TRAINER AND DEDICATED VOLUNTEER

      The tips in Chapter 7 are based on those that have helped me and many of my clients to manage this guilt, which I hope I will never be without.

      Summary: Affluence guilt

      • Contemporary life presents a constant and often overwhelming stream of information and images of people who are less fortunate than those in affluent, developed countries.

      • Charities are using increasingly sophisticated means to nudge the public’s conscience, but most people have only limited amounts of money and time to donate.

      • Some people are programmed by childhood influences to be more vulnerable to this kind of guilt.

      Carer’s guilt

      This is the guilt we feel when we know we should be caring more effectively for members of our family or others who feel like part of our wider family. The latter could be a friend or neighbour, or a colleague with whom we have a special emotional connection. It is a condition that is now widely acknowledged in most developed countries. Generally, it is applied to people who have members of their family in need of extra-special nurturing and attention because they are unable to manage well on their own, usually because they are elderly or sick or have a disability. There are others – some pregnant mothers, for instance – who may have a temporary need for extra help.

      Like most of the guilt types we have discussed, carer’s guilt does appear to be on the increase. For centuries, women have traditionally taken on the role of carer within families and communities, but in contemporary society this is no longer necessarily the case – most women have careers as well as families that make heavy demands on their time. In addition, we are living longer and needing more care in our old age. Improvements in medicine have also meant that sick younger people are being kept alive when only a few years ago they would have died.

      The most recent change in society that has affected this issue and is a constant feature of media attention is that the quality of care given by the state and private institutions seems to have deteriorated. Regardless of whether or not the scare stories we hear are misleading or unrepresentative, our overall impression is that institutional care is best avoided. This has triggered even more guilt in those who have no alternative other than to put their loved ones in a home.

       Carers will always feel guilty – it’s part of being a good carer and feeling that there is always more that we can do.

       ALZHEIMER’S SOCIETY

      Everything I have learned from working with carers myself and from the organisations who currently support carers has convinced me that guilt feelings are inevitable. This is because, as a carer of someone in need, we will always feel guilty when we:

      

leave them;

      

say no to them;

      

begin to feel resentful;

      

snap at them because we are so tired and stressed;

      

have to leave them with someone they don’t know;

      

see them look sad or hear them beg us to stay;

      

forget to ring them or check up on them;

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