Raising Girls: Why girls are different – and how to help them grow up happy and confident. Gisela Preuschoff

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СКАЧАТЬ ‘positive mother/father complex’

      Psychologist Verena Kast calls this first, pleasant, close bond with the mother the ‘positive mother complex’. There is also a corresponding ‘positive father complex’. According to Swiss psychologist Carl Jung, a ‘complex’ arises from a meaningful interaction between two people. You probably know about the ‘inferiority complex’ that can develop when a person is systematically devalued by their environment. No person is worth ‘less’ than another, but when someone is told that they are a failure again and again, they eventually start to believe it. The opposite is also true.

      Making her feel ‘uplifted’

      Girls who are shaped by a positive mother complex take their right to exist for granted, are creative and can ‘live and let live’. They know about everyone’s right to respect, to express physical and spiritual needs, to self-fulfilment, and to a fair share of worldly goods. They feel uplifted by life, and enjoy their bodies, food, sexuality and being alive.

      These girls, like everyone, eventually need to loosen their close bond to their mother so that they can develop their own identity and unfold their own personality. This task faces them in puberty – unless their mother dies earlier or leaves the family.

      The importance of the father

      Because of this inevitable separation from the mother (which boys do earlier than girls), it’s important for girls to also have their father present in their lives from the very beginning – so that they can develop a ‘positive father complex’. If girls’ early experience includes their father – or, if that’s not possible, someone who is not their mother but who also cares for them – they will find it easier to detach themselves from the mother-child symbiosis, and they will learn that relationships have various shadings: that Mum and Dad treat them differently, and that each parent has their own characteristics.

       What special things do fathers do?

      Fathers react to their children’s speech with speech, just like mothers do. But fathers differ in that they often prefer physically stimulating forms of play, clearly defined movements, and abrupt changes between active and passive phases of interaction. The play style of fathers is often more exciting than that of mothers, and is highly prized by children. There is a lot more detail on the importance of fathers in later chapters.

      Little girls who have both parents in their lives from the start soon learn different relationship patterns, and to attach different expectations to different relationships. This makes it easier for them to get involved in new situations: they already have a broader range of reactions than if they are dependent on only one parent. While a little girl experiences her mother as the same as herself, her father radiates the fascination of the stranger (which is significant from the start!). Most very successful women have had fathers who brought them up to be independent and self-sufficient. These women remember their dads as intelligent, ambitious, energetic and tolerant.

      Don’t give her everything she wants

      Many grown-up women have told me that it’s difficult for them to say no. It’s important to be able to say both yes and no in your family. If you accept other people, including your children, as individuals, you also accept that each of you can make personal choices and decisions – about all sorts of things.

      If your daughter wants hot chocolate for breakfast and you have none, for instance, you’ll have to tell her no. She’ll be disappointed and, if she’s small, she’ll whinge, cry and demand hot chocolate loudly. How do you feel about this? Do you say to yourself, it’s normal to be disappointed and to express disappointment verbally and demandingly? Or do you feel guilty about your daughter not having everything she wants? Do you get impatient and aggressive with her?

      Check your responses in these situations and remind yourself that it’s all right to refuse your child something. However, also remember that you must often say yes to your daughter, because a yes is always a positive for her development.

      Many children live with a lot of rules that harm their development. They are not allowed to:

       play in puddles

       climb trees

       mess around in mud

       unpack the saucepan cupboard

       experiment with glue

       handle scissors

       stand at the stove and cook something for themselves…

      But these are all things that children actually should do.

      Other children have no barriers, and they lose their orientation. When everything is allowed, children become deeply uncertain. Saying no to your daughter when she’d like to watch television or have a certain T-shirt doesn’t hurt. On the contrary. You might say no to playing with her if you’re weary and exhausted and need a break. Explain to her why you can’t play with her just now and when you will have time to. But remember, you should also accept a no from your daughter if she does not wish to put on the red jumper or to play the flute for her aunt.

      Try to be a family where no-one has to bend themselves out of shape to fit in with someone else. Everyone should be able to decide things for themselves.

      Set a good example

      Living with children means that you must constantly ask yourself, ‘What’s really important for me?’ If you can answer this question, if you know your values and benchmarks, you can set priorities. This has an effect on your entire life, but especially on your family life.

       What are your values?

      To help you answer this question, here are a few more to get you thinking:

       Which is more important to you, financial independence or good relationships with others?

       Do you pursue your own dreams or tend to adhere to social conventions?

       If you had to compile your own ‘Ten Family Commandments’, what would they be?

       What types of memories do you want to look back on when you are old?

       How would you like to be remembered by others, including your children?

      When my husband and I asked the participants in a seminar for couples to list their life values and compare them with their partners’, there was a commotion. Even people who live with each other often have different values. And there are typical male and female values. Do not criticise your partner if your values seem very different – just seek out the common values. Talk about what a particular value means for you and listen to each other, without judging. If you both listed humour, you’re already on track!

      Your children judge you according to the example you set. You will not be credible if you are a chain smoker and yet demand that they maintain a health-conscious lifestyle. And if you like to play with your children, you won’t have to explain that joy in living is important to you; your children will know that!

      Honesty is a СКАЧАТЬ