Raising Boys: Why Boys are Different – and How to Help them Become Happy and Well-Balanced Men. Steve Biddulph

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СКАЧАТЬ one who stayed quiet and still, and so boys – most of them – were bad.

      Then we began to think more deeply and with a bit more compassion about what we were expecting of boys. And some science came along that appeared to help. In the 1990s Professor Mitchell Harman at the US Department of Aging described a doubling in testosterone from around 40 ng/ml to around 80 ng/ml at this very age. It was a small, and brief rise (especially when compared with the almost tenfold rise that drives puberty in the early–mid teens). I reported this as a possible explanation of the changed behaviour. Many people found this a helpful piece of information, and all over the world people became more understanding of their boys and gave them more scope to be physically active, and were more empathic while helping them learn to get along. Schools and childcare centres took steps to ensure that boys were not cooped up for too long, and built more chances for movement and activity into their day.

      It was never an excuse for misbehaviour, but a message that we needed to help boys find ways to be safely active and physical. Occupational therapists added their input that at four boys are still developing their gross motor brain–muscle wiring, and so it’s more than just letting off steam. Movement is something all children need to grow their brains, but for boys that stage lasts longer.

      However there was one problem – in the years that followed, the findings described by Professor Harman were not corroborated, and other endocrinologists doubted them. In fact, it was still an area that received very little study – the only study I could find began at age six, missing the four-year-old phase entirely. In subsequent editions I reported that this was a controversial finding that we could not rely on. Then some more information came to light. As is often the case with hormones, it turned out to be more complicated. What does happen at four is that boys’ bodies start to release luteinising hormone which tells their testes to start making Leydig cells, which are the little factories for testosterone which will ramp up in puberty. Luteinising hormone levels in four-year-old boys pulsate every day in exactly the way that testosterone levels do in adults, though we do not know why.7 So in a sense, four is the start of the puberty process. Whether this directly or indirectly causes the behaviour changes we have no idea.

      In 2017, Professor Kate Steinbeck, a specialist in children’s endocrinology at the University of Sydney, offered her explanation of the ‘full-on fours’ stage:

      So, is there an alternative explanation for boys’ behaviour at this age, which parents regularly report?

      1 We see differences in boys’ and girls’ brains and behaviour well before puberty. Rises in testosterone in the womb and during the mini-puberty in the first six months of life likely explain these.

      2 Studies that look at behaviour in four- to five-year-olds … show boys and girls this age generally have different ways of playing and communicating. Boys’ play is generally more physical. Girls generally have more socially interactive play, and are more articulate.

      3 Interestingly, girls with congenital adrenal hyperplasia, who are exposed to high levels of testosterone in the womb, tend to have more ‘rough and tumble’ play styles, consistent with a testosterone effect on early brain development.

      So, how might being four or five change boys’ behaviour?

      At this age, children learn how to interact with others, understand another’s needs, share, and to deal with new and unfamiliar situations. Boys may respond more physically and be less able to articulate what happened. Learning how to regulate their emotions is an important skill for children to develop. Parents can model good emotional regulation, make sure children have regular daily routines, enough time to practice play and enough sleep. Praising positive behaviour and not overreacting to minor attention-seeking misbehaviour also helps.

      Persistent and distressing behaviours in a child may signal underlying anxieties, reaction to family stresses, or be a result of adversities when they were younger. So, if you are concerned, seek professional advice.

      For all children, we need to prioritise time to play. That could mean space, action and permission to be noisy and boisterous.8

      So, in other words, it is testosterone, but the causes are earlier in life, only coming to the fore through the stresses of being four!

      There is something we need to remember here. For 99 per cent of human history, we were a very physical and lively species – we moved about all the time. In hunter-gatherer society, four-year-old boys are just leaving toddlerhood, and start rapidly acquiring the stamina, strength, and amazing physical dexterity needed for their adult lives. (I lived with and studied hunter-gatherer people in the mountains of West New Britain in the 1970s, and from the very first day I was astonished at how capable and independent small children were, often accompanying us on long journeys without any sign of fatigue. Nothing saddens me more than seeing the cooped-up tiny spaces that urban children now live in, or the way our schooling forces kids to stay sitting for long periods in the same place.)

      © Fotokostic/Shutterstock.com

      At four, boys start onto their real boyhood, and for many of them that includes a great need for movement and action. It’s a serious parental challenge to find ways for our boys (and girls) to express their physical energy safely and sociably, and still stay connected to them and their feelings so they know they are loved. In fact, the whole challenge of being male, lifelong, is learning that it’s possible to be energetic and safe, boisterous and thoughtful, adventurous and responsible. Understanding your boy’s nature is the first step. The second step is engaging with him and helping him to learn how to steer it well. That takes patience, empathy, and good-humoured persistence. The whole purpose of this book is to help you with that.

      STORIES FROM THE HEART

      A PARENT’S POINT OF VIEW

      One anonymous parent on a discussion forum put it better than I ever could have, so I am going to let her have the last word:

      I think if you ask a lot of parents with both girls and boys they will confirm that this effect with boys seems to be a real thing. It happens in home-educated kids as much as ones in school/nursery at this age. It also happens in families like mine where we made a real, informed effort not to introduce gender stereotypes (I mean, I lived in a radical feminist commune for five years). My experience is that yes, there is a push for independence at age four to five … but it’s more an aggression, a wild energy, an inability to listen to instructions. I actually think almost every single neurotypical boy I know has hit this … and it often leaves parents reeling and gets labelled as bad behaviour. I don’t much think it matters what causes it, personally, whether it’s social or chemical. And I am completely up for the idea that some girls will also experience something like this, though I saw nothing like what I saw in my son in my two girls. I think sometimes people see it as an excuse for bad behaviour in boys and it’s not. What I think is important is that it is a real phenomenon and needs to be treated as such, and that is far more important to me than the biochemistry behind it.

      By six, young Jamie is out of the changes we have described, and seems to settle down. He can handle school better, and focus more. He still loves to be active, but is more sociable. He is not terribly interested in girls, but gets along well if they share interests. You can breathe a sigh of relief. Enjoy these years of respite, because you have earned them. And because, just round the corner are the ‘insecure eights’!

      Adrenarche – the Eight-Year-Old Meltdown and What to Do About It

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