The 39-Year-Old Virgin. Marie Ferrarella

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СКАЧАТЬ she’d experienced, and kept experiencing, whenever she thought of all the children who had died of the plague in that one village. All the children she hadn’t been able to help.

      She’d been sent there, she’d really believed, to act as an instrument of God—and still she couldn’t save them, couldn’t help.

      Because He hadn’t helped.

      These were all thoughts she couldn’t voice, couldn’t even find any relief by talking about to the people who could give her some insight into the matter. She knew she would be told she was being blasphemous. And maybe she was, but she couldn’t just accept that, in some way, God couldn’t be held accountable for all those young lives that had been cut so short.

      Caleb glanced at her again and she realized that he was waiting for her to say something.

      “Not as much of an optimist as I once was,” she finally replied, saying each word carefully.

      “But you still are one,” he pointed out.

      She supposed that was what kept her going, what made her still think that what she did made a difference in the grand scheme of things. “Yes.”

      “Why?”

      The single word was razor sharp. Was he challenging her? Or was he somehow asking her to give him an explanation so that he could find his way to optimism himself?

      She did her best to make him understand. “Because without optimism, we can’t go on. Optimism is just hope dressed up in formal clothes. And without hope, the soul has nothing to cling to, the spirit dies.”

      Caleb laughed shortly. “Yeah, tell me about it.”

      Claire eyed this familiar stranger who’d reentered her life after all these years. His profile had gone rigid, as if he’d suddenly realized he’d just let something slip that wasn’t supposed to be exposed. Her need to help, to comfort, to make things better, surfaced instantly.

      “Maybe you can tell me,” she coaxed.

      “Sisters can hear confessions now?” Caleb said to her flippantly.

      “Is it something you need to confess, Caleb?” she asked gently.

      This was getting far too personal. He didn’t want her digging around in his life, even if her intentions were altruistic. “Just a play on words, Claire. I don’t have anything to confess.”

      She regarded him for a long moment. “That would make you a minority of one.”

      “No, just someone who doesn’t believe.” He squinted slightly as he tried to make out a street sign. This was the old development. He’d grown up here, but it had been a long time since he’d been back. His parents had moved shortly after Claire had left to join the order and he had had no reason to return.

      “In confession?” she asked, although she had a feeling that his meaning was broader.

      The next moment, her fears were confirmed. “In anything.”

      There was loneliness in his words, whether he knew it or not. It horrified her that Caleb felt so alone, so adrift. But telling him that would only make things worse.

      Still, she didn’t want to just drop the subject, either, so she tried to make light of it and hope that he’d wind up wanting to talk. “Well, that certainly is a sweeping statement.”

      Where was all this coming from? He didn’t usually talk, much less open parts of himself up. Had to be because of what day it was, he thought.

      I miss you, Jane. “Sorry, didn’t mean to get this serious.”

      She hated to see any creature in pain, she always had. “If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me.”

      “I don’t,” Caleb told her sharply. “Want to talk,” he clarified. “There’s nothing to talk about.” Pressing down on the gas pedal, he made short work of the last half block. “We’re here,” he announced.

      Pulling up in the driveway beside the vintage vehicle her father had left her mother, he put his car into Park, but didn’t turn off the ignition. The car continued to hum quietly, like a tamed cheetah, waiting for the time it could stretch its legs again.

      Claire got out of the car. She sensed that he wanted to make a quick getaway. Even so, she asked, “Would you like to come in for some coffee?”

      Despite his desire to escape, he was tempted. For oldtimes’ sake. But he knew it was for the best if he just got going. So he shook his head. “I’m already pretty late.”

      So he’d mentioned earlier, she thought. “Right. I’m sorry, I’m keeping you from your son and your wife.”

      His expression darkened for a moment, as if something painful had gripped him in its claws, but he made no comment other than “G’night.”

      The next second, he was pulling out of her driveway and speeding away.

      Chapter Four

      “So you’re really going through with it.”

      Looking up from the bureau, Claire saw her mother standing in the doorway of her room. In a hurry to get ready and out the door, and more than a little anxious about her first day at Lakewood Elementary, she hadn’t heard her mother until she was almost inside the room.

      Claire’s eyes met her mother’s in the mirror. “‘It?’”

      Margaret nodded as she walked across the threshold. Gone were the trim business suits she used to favor. She’d slipped on aqua-colored sweatpants and a matching sweatshirt, both of which provided a vivid contrast to the rich red hair she’s always been so proud of.

      She didn’t look like a woman who was ill, Claire thought. Maybe God still had one miracle left with her name on it after all. Mentally, she crossed her fingers.

      “You know.” Margaret frowned as if the very word she was about to utter tasted bitter. “Teaching.”

      Claire was somewhat surprised that, when she woke up this morning after a not-so-restful night, she was in the grip of first-day jitters. She supposed it had something to do with wanting validation for the decision she’d made about the new direction of her life. Whatever the reason, the jitters were worse than she’d expected and her mother’s disapproving expression wasn’t exactly helping.

      She glanced at her mother over her shoulder. “Yes, Mother,” she replied patiently. “I’m really going through with it. In approximately—” she glanced at her watch, “—an hour and ten minutes, I’ll be taking over what would have been Mrs. Butterfield’s fourth-grade class if she wasn’t about to deliver at any minute.”

      Claire turned back toward the mirror to check over her appearance one last time. And perhaps locate her confidence, as well.

      Margaret sighed and shook her head. “Why are you doing this?”

      At the last moment, Claire had decided to wear her hair up. She thought it looked more authoritative that way. Besides, to be honest, she wasn’t all that СКАЧАТЬ