The Third Pig Detective Agency: The Complete Casebook. Bob Burke

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СКАЧАТЬ figure out how to rescue myself from this particular predicament. Apart from the unpleasant experience of being hosed down with cold water, I also had the pleasure of Edna’s interrogation to look forward to – and I was assuming this was going to be a little bit more intense than just having a bright light shone in my eyes while she shouted ‘you will answer the questions’ at me.

      I was still looking around the room when the Orcs came back in. From the expression on their faces, it appeared as though they were relishing the thought of hosing me down. Can’t say I blamed them; I was looking forward to a shower myself – albeit a somewhat hotter one than the one I was about to receive.

      Grinning at each other, the two henchOrcs lifted the hose, aimed it at me and began to twist the nozzle. I turned away to shield my face and braced myself for the freezing deluge. There was silence, then two loud clangs in quick succession and the sound of the nozzle hitting the ground. After another brief pause this was followed by two more thuds – this time slightly further apart and much heavier. More importantly, I didn’t seem to be getting wet.

      I looked around very slowly and not without some trepidation as I had no idea what had just happened. To my utter amazement, both Orcs were lying unconscious on the ground. Standing over them, wielding a large metal leg – presumably borrowed from one of the suits of armour outside – was a very satisfied-looking Jack Horner.

      ‘Jack,’ I asked, somewhat stunned at this unexpected turn of events, ‘what are you doing here?’

      ‘Hey Mr Pigg,’ he said cheerfully, ‘I’m rescuing you. I told you you’d need my help.’

      ‘But how did you find me?’ I asked weakly.

      ‘C’mon Mr Pigg,’ he replied. ‘You smell very strongly of shi … I mean poo. How difficult do you think it was to find you? I just had to follow my nose. Anyway, you left a trail of muddy footprints all over the building. It was easy.’

      ‘And you got in how exactly?’

      ‘Almost as easy. After I followed you here, I just bought a pizza from the takeaway around the corner, stuck a red hat on my head, called to the front door and said I was delivering a super pepperoni to Grazgkh. There’s always a Grazgkh around, it’s the Orc version of Joe.’

      And I was supposed to be the detective!

      ‘Then I just made my way up through the building, following your trail,’ he continued, obviously enjoying himself. ‘These Orcs aren’t too observant, are they? Not one noticed me all the way up. Then I crept up behind those two guys and hit them over the head with this leg.’ He swung it around with some relish. ‘They were so busy with the hose they never heard me.’

      ‘Good work, Jack,’ I said. ‘Now, can you untie me and we can get the hell out of here before someone discovers I’ve escaped.’

      ‘Righty-o,’ he replied and went behind me to untangle the spaghetti of knots that bound me to the chair.

      After a few minutes I still hadn’t noticed any relieving flow of blood coursing back into my numb trotters.

      ‘How are things going back there, Jack?’ I asked.

      ‘Not too good, Mr Pigg,’ Jack replied. ‘I can’t seem to get these knots undone.’

      ‘Well, try to find something that you can use to cut the ropes,’ I said, scanning the room for anything that might have a sharp edge. ‘But hurry. I’m sure Edna will be back soon, suitably refreshed, smelling very nice and eager to inflict pain.’

      Jack began searching the room frantically, shifting bits of furniture aside as he looked for anything that might be used to set me free. As he searched I struggled to loosen the knots but my efforts were as fruitless as his. I could see that he was beginning to panic so I tried to calm him down.

      ‘Take it easy, Jack. You need to calm down and focus. There must be something here we can use.’

      ‘But I can’t see anything, Mr Pigg.’

      As I looked around the room yet again, I caught my reflection in the mirror. Inspiration struck me – and it was probably the only thing that had struck me recently that hadn’t hurt me in some form or another.

      ‘Jack,’ I said urgently, ‘take that thing you hit the goblins with and throw it at the mirror. Cover your eyes as you do.’

      After a moment’s incomprehension, Jack suddenly understood and, grabbing the metal leg, he flung it at his reflection. There was a loud crash and shards of glass flew in all directions. When the noise died down, Jack slowly brought his arm away from his eyes and scanned the floor for a suitable piece of glass. He picked up a shard so big and sharp it looked like it could have beheaded an elephant and, with great care, began sawing at the ropes. As they began to fall to the ground, I could hear what sounded like a small army pounding across the floor overhead. Someone (or lots of someones) was coming to investigate the noise and I really didn’t fancy being here when they arrived.

      ‘Come on, Jack,’ I muttered. ‘Speed it up, speed it up.’

      ‘I’m going as fast as I can,’ he replied, panting from the effort. ‘I don’t want to cut my hands.’

      ‘Cut hands will be the least of your worries if we don’t get out of here soon.’ As I spoke, the ropes binding my trotters fell to the floor. Despite the pain as the blood rushed back in, I grabbed the glass off Jack and attacked the other ropes binding me. The sharp edge cut cleanly through them and I stood up – a little bit unsteady but ready to accelerate out of the room as fast as I could.

      ‘Good work, Jack. Now let’s not be here.’ I grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the door. As we were halfway across the room he stopped unexpectedly, almost pulling me off balance. I turned to him. He was looking at the broken mirror in fascination.

      ‘Jack, what are you doing? We don’t have time for admiring our reflections.’ I was on the point of lifting him onto my shoulders and carrying him out when I saw what he was looking at. What he had broken wasn’t a mirror; it was a door cleverly disguised as a mirror. With the glass surface now all over the floor we could see into the room beyond and sitting on a shelf (along with what I suspected was a lot of very expensive and probably very stolen artifacts) was what looked like Aladdin’s lamp. It certainly looked battered enough.

      ‘Nice one, Jack, I take it back. Get to the door and tell me when the ravening hordes charge down the corridor. If I’m quick enough we may be able to grab the lamp before they get here.’

      Jack peered cautiously around the door.

      ‘Nothing out there yet,’ he reported, ‘but there’s definitely someone coming. I can hear lots of grunting, stomping and shouting. Hurry up.’

      Very cautiously, so as not to cut myself on the jagged edges that were still embedded in the rim, I sidled through the doorway and into the storeroom beyond. Not even pausing to look at what other goodies might be on the shelves, I grabbed the lamp, stuffed it into my wetsuit and reversed just as carefully back out again. Once I was safely back out of the storeroom, I ran out the door, dragging Jack by the scruff of the neck as I went. Together we ran back down the corridor towards the stairs. As we did so, a horde of Orcs brandishing an interesting array of sharp and pointy objects came around the corner at the opposite end. Immediately spotting us (not that it was too difficult) they roared angrily and gave chase.

      Fortunately СКАЧАТЬ