The Silent Witness: Part 3 of 3. Casey Watson

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СКАЧАТЬ …’

      ‘Things with Mum?’ I asked gently.

      She nodded. ‘Casey, can I ask you something?’ she said.

      ‘Course you can. Anything. You know that, love.’ I waited.

      ‘It’s just that … what d’you think is worse? Is it worse to break a promise or is it worse to tell a lie?’

      Philosophy, then, no doubt related to our chat earlier on. ‘Can’t,’ she’d said. Can’t tell the truth. I re-ran the question in my head, putting it in context. A promise or a lie? I felt a prickle at the back of my neck. Was this going where I thought (and hoped) this might be going? ‘Hmm. That’s a tricky one,’ I said.

      ‘It’s not a trick question, honest.’

      ‘No, I know that, love,’ I said, reaching out to squeeze her arm. ‘It’s just a hard one so I’m going to need time to think about it. Hmm …. I suppose it depends. On what the promise is you might be breaking. And on what the lie is.’ I leaned closer. ‘Can you give me a little more to go on?’

      Clearly not. Her response was a small but unmistakable shake of her head.

      ‘Ok-ayyy …’ I said. ‘Fair enough. But, well, in that case I can only answer you hypothetically. You know that word?’ Bella nodded. I bet she probably did, too. ‘And I think you’d have to ask yourself what the consequences might be – you know, of breaking the promise as opposed to telling the lie. And who you made the promise to, of course. I suppose that’s the main thing, isn’t it?’ I went on, beginning to settle into my thinking, but still conscious of my responsibility not to lead her. ‘That and how big a thing the promise is. You know, sometimes we’re asked to make a promise to someone and, because it’s someone we care about, we immediately say yes, don’t we?’

      I paused for a response, and was rewarded with a small movement of the head. ‘And, sometimes, we make that promise without really thinking what it might mean for us. Us or them. And that’s because sometimes we don’t know what the consequences might be. We don’t have crystal balls, do we? So it’s not clear-cut. If you make a promise and then realise you shouldn’t have, for either your or the person you made the promise to’s sake, then sometimes you have no choice but to break the promise. And, when it comes to a lie …’ I paused again. She was looking at me so intently, I felt I had to think about every word. ‘Well, we’ve already talked about white lies, haven’t we? Remember? When we were talking about Facebook the other week? Almost all of the time, though, telling the truth is the only right way to proceed, and that’s not just because you should tell the truth, because it’s the right thing to do – it’s almost as important because when we tell a lie it lives on inside us, doesn’t it?’

      I touched my chest, remembering that letter I’d binned, and thinking, Ain’t that the truth? But was my doing so about to be vindicated? The fact that she was still here, sitting opposite me, asking me questions of moral philosophy. Would this be happening if she’d been taken from us and was now in another stranger’s home?

      Since she was showing no signs of doing anything other than listen, I ploughed on. ‘That’s the thing about lies. They’re a bit like rust on a new car – eventually, just like rust, lies begin to corrode you. Because telling one lie so often means you have to tell more lies. So, on balance, I’d say, with very few exceptions, that it’s always the better choice to tell the truth.’

      I sat back a little. Bella did as well. And then spent a few moments seemingly in silent communion with Dobby, the kitchen roll now a small piece of origami in her lap. Then she looked at me again. ‘Yes, but which is worse?’

      Ah. A good point, I hadn’t actually answered that one, had I? I leaned forward again. ‘Sweetheart, that’s just so hard for me to say without knowing what the promise was. What the lie was. How big they both were.’

      ‘Yes, but what if they were both big?’

      She clearly needed an answer. And I was clearly expected to provide one. ‘Okay,’ I said, ‘so if you put me on the spot, then I’d say telling a lie is usually worse. If you break a promise for a good reason, the other person will usually understand if you explain to them, because we make promises to people mostly because we want to help them, don’t we? Or to be kind to them. Or to encourage them … that kind of thing. But if we tell a lie, it’s more often because we want to get away with something, to make bad things better for ourselves … Or, if for someone else – if someone asks us to tell a lie for them, we often know it’s because they want us to help them get away with something, don’t we? So …’

      She was nodding now, so much so that I was at pains to qualify my reasoning. ‘But that’s not in every case, sweetie. Because every situation is different, isn’t it? So –’

      ‘It’s okay,’ she said, gathering Dobby up against her chest in a way that made it obvious she was ready to go back to bed. She pushed the chair back. ‘Thank you.’

      ‘Well, now,’ I said, ‘I’m not sure I’ve been very helpful …’ I stood up too. ‘Anyway, shall I take you back up to bed? Tuck you in?’

      Bella shook her head. ‘It’s okay,’ she said. ‘I’m okay. I can take myself up.’

      And on that solemn note, she proffered a cheek so I could kiss her goodnight for a second time, then led the way out of the kitchen and took herself off up the stairs.

      I stared after her for some time, wondering quite what had just passed between us. Something important, I decided. We had definitely reached some sort of watershed.

      Which was good. Even so, as I returned to Mike and Tyler, I couldn’t help this nagging sense that I’d said the wrong thing.

      That I had got it wrong. That I somehow disappointed her.

       Chapter 18

      Bella seemed to retreat after that. No, she hadn’t become withdrawn or uncommunicative or otherwise ‘off’ with us or anything. If anything, she was chirpy; particularly about school, where, hopefully, she’d be off to in a matter of days.

      No, it was more that she had seemed to draw a line under the conversation. And all I could do was watch and wait.

      The sense that I’d said the wrong things to her that night persisted, even so, and my brain was exhausted with trying to re-run my thinking, wondering how would one of the great philosophers have answered her question. In the end I could only ‘park it’, as Mike had suggested. What would be – where the whole family were concerned – would just be. Enough people were already engaged in the business of deciding what was going to happen, and it was pointless me trying to be one of them. To care and protect, that was my part in the equation. Just that. No sleuthing.

      The ELAC tutor, Howard, turned out to be exactly as I’d pictured him. Very posh, very jolly, very bright. Though I didn’t sit in on their session together, I could see when they emerged that they had got along famously. Howard wore a pair of very distinctive spectacles, I noticed. I wondered if he was a Harry Potter fan.

      ‘Next Monday, then,’ I commented, as Bella and I waved him off. We’ll have to get our skates on with that uniform, then, won’t we? Oh, and I’d better СКАЧАТЬ