The Reluctant Vampire Omnibus. Eric Morecambe

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      ‘How could it? You’re not a Vampire.’

      ‘Forget about the Vampire bit. I mean, like you, could I … me … wake up one morning and find out that I’m not ugly any more. Could that happen to me? Like waking up and finding you’re not a Vampire. Could that happen?’

      Not for the first time Valentine saw the sadness in Igon’s squat, dirty face.

      ‘Well … er … I don’t see why not,’ Valentine answered a little too glibly for the truth.

      ‘I’d like that,’ Igon said with a sigh. ‘So. What next? What are we going to do now. Go back to the castle and tell the King and Queen that you’re not a Vampire?’

      ‘I think not, Igon. I think not. You see, I have a feeling and I don’t know why, but I have this feeling that that would not overplease them.’

      Igon looked at Valentine and although not really understanding, nodded wisely. It was all too much for him but as he looked into the distance he saw a figure walking along the footpath about a half a mile away, towards the forest.

      ‘That’s Wilf. Wilf the Werewolf,’ Igon said. ‘Should we tell him? Should we shout and tell him you’re not a Vampire?’

      Valentine put his hand over Igon’s mouth. ‘No. If that’s Wilf, then it’s best to let sleeping dogs lie.’

      They both laughed out loud, almost loud enough for Wilf to hear.

      That night they stayed out of the village and went deep into the forest to sleep and work things out. Valentine had the sneaking feeling that King Victor would soon find out about their disappearance from the castle and would not be too happy about it. He would almost certainly send out the Vampire guards to search for them. If the guards found them they would be taken back to the castle and Valentine would be heavily chastised and punished while Igon, in all probability, would be given to Vernon to play with and do as he wished.

      As they slowly walked into the forest, keeping an eye out for trouble – well Igon kept an eye out, Valentine kept them both out – our young hero tried to think back to the days of his early childhood but the only thing he could remember was always being at the castle. Victor was his father, Valeeta was his mother and Vernon was his brother. He could not remember any time of his life when he was not at the castle living with them as a Vampire. He had a vague memory of a childhood fight with Vernon and Vernon lost his temper and said something about ‘… and I wish you hadn’t been brought here’, but it was such a long time ago that he couldn’t really be sure. They sat down to rest for a while.

      ‘Igon.’

      ‘Master.’

      ‘How long have you lived at the castle?’

      ‘All my life. I was born there.’

      ‘You’re human aren’t you?’

      ‘Oh yes, Sire. You only have to look at me to see that.’

      ‘How come you were born at the castle?’

      ‘Mummy worked there.’

      ‘What did your … er … Mummy do and where is she now?’

      ‘Well, she was a nurse to a Doctor Frankenstein’s monster. She used to care for him and get him ready for bed and, of course, when he needed it, she would also change his oil. Then, as far as I know, she ran away with a man from the circus, the tattooed man.’

      ‘What happened to the monster?’

      ‘She took him with her. They all went with the circus and I’ve never seen her since.’ He wiped a tear from his eye as he always did when he talked about his Mummy. ‘I never knew my Daddy,’ he continued. ‘He was killed. He fell in a vat of wine and, instead of trying to swim, he tried to drink his way out.’

      ‘Good Lord.’

      ‘Yes, he hiccupped to death.’

      ‘Do you remember me being born at the castle?’

      ‘You weren’t born at the castle.’

      ‘Go on,’ Valentine urged.

      ‘Oh no. One night you weren’t there and the next night you were. We were all told you were magic and that you were a special baby but I saw you being brought in by King Victor. You were wrapped in a blanket and he carried you in. That was the only time King Victor came in by the front door and not by the window. He always used the window but not that night.’

      Valentine remained silent for a while as he thought over what he had just been told.

      ‘Do you think I was kidnapped; stolen from my real mother?’

      ‘I don’t understand.’

      ‘Well, if I was kidnapped, that means that the King isn’t my father. The Queen isn’t my mother and Vernon is not my brother.’

      ‘Am I still your friend?’

      ‘More than ever,’ Valentine smiled.

      ‘Well, that’s the only thing that’s important to me.’

      After a pause of a few minutes Valentine spoke again. ‘Igon, we must go deeper into the forest. We have got to get away from Katchem.’

      Igon rose from the log.

      ‘Don’t you see, Igon. I’ve got to find out the truth. I’ve got to find out who I really am.’

      ‘But that’s easy. You are Prince Valentine, Knight of the Garter, Knight of the Realm. Last night, tonight and tomorrow night.’ Igon spoke with solemnity and more than a touch of pride.

      CHAPTER 5

       ‘A President!’ the people cry aloud.

       King Victor quells an angry crowd.

      The moon shone directly on to King Victor’s coffin through the open window of his room. Inside the open coffin King Victor opened his eyes and lay there thinking about the daymare he had just had.

      After a moment he majestically climbed out of the coffin. But as he stood up he knew that something was out of line. He knew that one or two things would go astray this night. He felt that his biorhythms weren’t so good.

      There was always one thing that Victor liked about being a Vampire and that was, unlike humans, you didn’t have to get dressed when you got up. He was already dressed. He stood there and stretched himself. Then he went into a few late-night exercises. First of all he raised his arms level with his shoulders and practised a few cloak sweeps. He then did a few deep breathing exercises, one every four minutes, and finally sat cross-legged and cross-eyed on the window ledge with the moon СКАЧАТЬ