Star Crazy Me. Jean Ure

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СКАЧАТЬ hard not to be. Especially not of my own body. After all, it’s the one I was born with and I can’t help the way it is. It’s not like I gorge on junk food. It’s not like I don’t get any exercise. Mum doesn’t; she goes everywhere by car. Not me! I walk to and from the bus stop every day, and more often than not I walk up the stairs as well, all ten flights of them. I only take the lift if I’m feeling really knackered. I hate the lift! It smells of sick and stale pee. But there’s some people I know – Mum, to give just one example – that would get completely out of breath going up ten flights of stairs. I don’t! So I know I’m not a slob, and I’m certainly not a glutton. It is just the way I’m made, and I refuse to let small-minded, pea-brained pond life such as Marigold Johnson make me self-conscious.

      That is what I have always told myself. But oh, that day she really got to me! It’s like I’d built up this wall to keep me safe, and she’d gone and brought the whole lot crashing down, leaving me exposed. Like naked, almost. Like a snail brutally torn out of its shell. Now I couldn’t pretend any more: it really hurts when someone calls you names.

      If Nan had been there, what would she have said?

      “Don’t you take no notice! You just remember, you’ve got something girls like that can only dream of… you’ve got a voice that’s going to take you right to the top. Up there with the stars, that’s where you’ll be! Then she’ll be laughing on the other side of her face, you see if she isn’t.”

      But what if Nan were wrong? What if I didn’t have a voice?

      I knew in my heart that Nan wasn’t wrong; I knew that I could sing. No one could take that away from me. But no one could make me look like Marigold Johnson, either! And who wanted a rock star the size of an elephant?

      I tried so hard to hear Nan again. To hear her old, cracked voice telling me to have faith, to “Go for it, girl!” But it was no use. She wasn’t there, and I couldn’t bring her back. Music was all I had left. I turned up the volume until it was almost unbearable, until my head was pounding with the beat and I felt that I was drowning in a crashing sea of sound. At least that way I didn’t have to think.

      If I could have stayed plugged in I’d have been all right, but Mum came home at six o’clock and I had to crawl back into the world, without my shell. Needless to say, Mum had bumped into Mrs Henson – or, more likely, Mrs Henson had bumped into her.

      “What’s all this about a headache?” she said. “I never heard of anyone being sent home for a headache. Why couldn’t they just give you an aspirin, or something?”

      I mumbled that they didn’t like to give medication. Mum said, “Sooner send you back to an empty flat.”

      “They didn’t know it was empty. I told them you were here.”

      Mum looked at me, rather hard. “OK! What did you want to get out of?”

      “Nothing,” I said. “Nothing!”

      “Look, Carmen, just be honest. If it was a maths test, or you hadn’t done your homework, I can sympathise. I know what it’s like, I’ve been there! No one’s expecting you to turn into some kind of mad boffin. Just don’t lie to me. All right?”

      I said, “Yeah, all right. Sorry.”

      It seemed easier than going on with the headache thing. Mum’s never expected much of me, so not doing homework or avoiding a maths test was no big deal as far as she was concerned. She left school without any qualifications; why should I do any better? It would have upset her far more if I’d told her the truth. Not that I would! Not in a million years. I’d have curled up and died sooner than tell Mum.

      Indy rang me after tea. I knew she would; I’d been dreading it. I didn’t want to talk to her! I wouldn’t have minded so much if she’d texted me, but Indy is practically the only person I know that doesn’t have a mobile phone. Or a computer. It makes life very difficult.

      Mum took the phone call. She came back into the sitting room and said, “It’s your little friend on the phone. The little plain one.” I do wish Mum wouldn’t refer to Indy as the little plain one! I really hate it when she does that. She knows perfectly well what her name is.

      “Well, are you going to speak to her,” she said, “or not?”

      I dragged myself out into the hall and picked up the phone. “’Lo?”

      Indy shrieked, “Carm! What happened? Where did you get to?”

      “Hadda headache,” I said.

      “Cos of Marigold? I knew it was cos of her! Honestly, that girl is just so putrefying! I’m glad you told her she was a moron. Everybody’s glad! They all reckon she asked for it.”

      I said, “How does everybody know? Did you tell them?”

      “No! It was Connie.”

      Connie Li; I hadn’t realised she was there. Connie is OK. She is definitely not a Marigold groupie.

      “Carm?” Indy’s voice squeaked anxiously down the line. “You haven’t let her get to you? Cos all those things she said, about her sister… they’re not really true! She hasn’t really had professional experience.”

      “You mean she hasn’t appeared in a commercial?”

      “Only some stupid thing for local radio. Not telly.”

      “What about the demo disc?”

      “Yeah, well… anyone can make one of those.”

      I said, “Huh!”

      “She isn’t any competition,” said Indy. “She has a voice like a… I dunno! Fingernails scraping on a blackboard. Yeeeech!”

      Indy was trying really hard, but what she said about fingernails just wasn’t true. Marigold’s sister is chosen every year to sing solo when we do carols. It’s not a bad sort of voice. A bit small. A bit tinny. She couldn’t do rock! But obviously some people like it. Anyway, I couldn’t care less about Marigold’s sister. It was all the other stuff. The stuff that Indy was too kind to mention, or maybe just too embarrassed.

      “You’ve always said not to take any notice of her,” said Indy. “So why start now?”

      “I’m not,” I said. “I don’t give a damn.” It’s amazingly easy to lie when you’re on the other end of a telephone. You can almost, even, lie to yourself. “Marigold Johnson is just sewage,” I said.

      “She is,” said Indy. “That’s exactly what she is! And we’re not the only ones that think so. Lots of people have been going on about her. It’s made her really unpopular.”

      I knew Indy was doing her best to be a good friend and make me feel better, but I hated the thought of everyone knowing what Marigold had said. Everyone talking about it. Feeling sorry for me. Did you hear what Marigold called Carmen? She called her a fat freak!

      “Dunno what she meant by that last remark, though,” said Indy. “D’you?”

      I said, “What last remark?” Though in fact I knew perfectly well.

      “Fag СКАЧАТЬ