Lonely Girl. Josephine Cox

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СКАЧАТЬ come on, Molly, I might be a bit tipsy but I’m telling you the truth, and now I need to know something.’

      ‘What’s that, then?’

      ‘I need to know why you went off and married the farmer when you knew how much I wanted you. I know you loved me then … and you still do. So why did you refuse my offer of marriage?’

      For the longest minute, Molly’s thoughts went back to when she was young and vibrant. She had made choices back then, both good and bad.

      ‘First of all, I did love you. In fact, like I said, I still have strong feelings for you, bloody fool that I am! But back then I was young and desperate to build a life for myself. I had to make a calculated choice, and when the opportunity came up I chose to marry the farmer.’

      ‘Yes, I know all that. What I don’t know is why you chose him instead of me. Was it because you loved him more than you loved me?’

      ‘Leave it, Tom,’ she warned him firmly. ‘Let’s not go there, eh? It’s no good talking about something that happened a long time back. We’ve both had too much to drink tonight. Anyway, what’s done is done and it can’t be changed.’

      ‘Leave him, Molly!’ Tom shouted. ‘Come home with me … please. I’ll make you happy, I will!’ Surging forward, he fell clumsily against the wall, where he slithered down and sobbed like a child. ‘I miss you, Molly. That’s why I never got married. It’s why I follow you about and want to be near you. I sometimes watch you, Molly,’ he confessed. ‘I hide in the spinney and I watch you … hanging out the washing, and going about your business. I can’t get enough of you, Molly. That’s how bad it’s got. Earlier, when I saw you heading for the pub, I followed you. I needed to see you, to talk to you.’

      ‘What? You followed me to the pub? You crafty devil. You told me you were just passing; that you were on your way home from work and you needed a drink or two. You even acted surprised at seeing me there.’

      ‘I’m really sorry, Molly, but I had to see you.’

      ‘Well, I’m damned … you’re a bloody stalker!’ She laughed coldly. ‘You’ve been watching me and I never even knew. What next, eh? D’you know, I could get you put in jail for stalking me.’

      ‘Ah, but you wouldn’t, would you?’

      ‘I might. You never know.’

      ‘Leave your husband, Molly … please?’

      ‘Why the hell should I?’

      ‘Because you’re mine, Molly. You were always mine!’

      ‘I’m not leaving him, so you can forget that.’

      ‘Do you love him?’

      ‘No.’

      ‘So why do you want to be with him?’

      ‘I don’t need to explain my reasons to you or to anyone else.’

      ‘But I thought you wanted to be with me.’

      ‘I do.’

      ‘Well, now you’re confusing me. You say you don’t love him and that you love me. And yet you refuse to leave him and make a life with me. Why, Molly? Explain it to me, because I don’t understand.’

      ‘You don’t need to understand.’

      ‘Oh, but I do! If you don’t love him, why did you marry him when you could have had me?’

      ‘Are you absolutely sure you need to know?’

      ‘Just tell me.’

      ‘Aw, bugger it!’ She pushed him away. ‘You’re getting me all wound up. I need a fag.’

      Leaning against the wall, she rummaged in her handbag and drew out a packet of Woodbines and a box of matches.

      Having lit the cigarette, she took a long drag on it and blew the smoke out slowly. Then she turned back to Tom.

      ‘It’s true I really did love you, Tom, but you had nothing to give me … at least not by way of material things, like a home, and nice clothes, and all the trimmings. Then, when John’s father died and left him the farm, I saw where my future lay, and I went for it. I thought nothing of him – I still loved you – but he came with a farm that was worth a tidy penny, while you had nothing worthwhile to offer me. Even now, I don’t need to work if I don’t want to because he provides everything. Working gets me away from the pair of them. I do what I like with my wages, and that suits me fine.’

      ‘I see.’ He was shaken at her cold manner. ‘You really are a bad lot, aren’t you, Molly?’

      ‘I suppose … It all worked out so well, except I could never love him. To this day he doesn’t even realise how much I hate him … and the girl. When the girl appeared, I was sorely tempted to leave the pair of them, but common sense got the better of me.’

      ‘And you’ve stayed all these years. But you could have come to me, Molly. I had my own little place back then. I would never have turned you away.’

      ‘I stayed because it was part of my plan,’ she admitted. ‘I was a good wife to him.’ She paused, remembering the difficult times. ‘The girl ruined everything. She was never part of the big plan, but he adored her and so I learned to pretend.’

      ‘But why could you not genuinely love that innocent child?’

      Molly gave him a long, inscrutable look. ‘I never wanted children. I was determined to be careful, but in spite of that, I still got pregnant. John never knew about his son, and I never told him. Instead, when I first found out I was carrying, I went to old Ma Battersby on Acament Street. She’s known for helping pregnant women who want her kind of help, and my secret was safe with her. So, as soon as I realised he’d got me up the duff, she got rid of it for me. She told me she’d made an educated guess as to its gender. I feel no guilt at having denied him a son.’

      She gave a drunken, pathetic little giggle. ‘If he’d known how I got rid of his son, it would have broken his heart. Then along came another baby. Ma Battersby couldn’t do anything to help me with that one, and the girl gave me a bad time. She made me so wretched that on certain days I couldn’t even go to work. She just made me feel terrible. Suddenly, there I was, literally left holding the baby. It was almost as though John and his brat had planned it all, and I hated them both. I still do.’

      Molly fell silent, while Tom Stevens reflected on what she had told him. How could he ever have fallen for this cold-hearted woman?

      ‘Shocked, are you?’ Molly’s shrill voice invaded his thoughts. ‘Still want me, do you?’

      ‘I must be a sad man,’ he replied thoughtfully. ‘How in God’s name can I love a hard-hearted woman like you? It’s as if, all those years ago, you crept into my head and my heart, and now I’m only half a man without you. So what does that say about me, eh?’ He felt ashamed and guilty, and yet he still needed her so badly he could hardly breathe.

      ‘It sounds to me as if you’re utterly miserable on the farm. You don’t love your husband and you don’t want the girl, so why СКАЧАТЬ