How to Deal With Difficult People. Ursula Markham

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СКАЧАТЬ that everything is fine while feeling constantly anxious, fearful that it is only a matter of time until he is ‘caught out’ and ‘exposed’ for the inadequate that he is. As you can imagine, this makes him a gift for the aggressor, who is only looking for someone to accept the blame for anything that goes wrong. What a bonus to come upon a willing victim, someone who truly believes that everything is his fault!

      A submissive person often withdraws from others, feeling that he does not deserve to mix with these superior beings – and that they would not want to know him anyway. He believes that no one would want to listen to him because anything he might want to say would be trivial, unimportant or wrong.

      Try and compliment a submissive person and you find that he is quite unable to accept it. He turns any positive statement into a negative one. For example, if you say: ‘I do like that outfit; it really suits you’, instead of a simple ‘Thank you’ the submissive person is more likely to answer ‘What, this old thing? I’ve had it for ages,’ thus making you feel foolish (i.e. negative) too.

      Because of the constant stress and anxiety that surrounds him, not to mention the fear of being ‘found out’, the submissive person has little energy or enthusiasm for life. He has no time to spend on himself because he spends his entire time trying to do what he thinks other people want him to do.

      You would suppose that everyone other than the aggressor would feel sympathy for the submissive person and want to help him have a better opinion of himself and to boost his confidence. Indeed, most people start off this way. But sympathy only goes so far – and then irritation sets in. People begin to wish he would stand up for himself for once, do what he wants to do and take some decisions for himself. When this doesn’t happen others can lean towards aggressive behaviour because they lose all respect for the submissive person and treat him accordingly.

      Constant contact with someone who is submissive can be quite exhausting. It takes a lot of energy to deal with someone who is always negative in word and deed. It is quite a draining experience, leaving you tired and struggling to maintain your own positivity. The outcome of all this is that most people tend to avoid the submissive person altogether unless they absolutely can’t avoid him – thus adding to his feelings of isolation and inferiority.

      The submissive person can also be recognized by his typical verbal and body language:

      Verbal Language

       Oh dear …

       I’m terribly sorry to bother you but …

       I wonder if you could possibly…

       I’m sorry; I’m really sorry…

       But …but …

      Body Language

       Never looks at you

       Keeps his fists clenched or wrings his hands

       Stoops

       Whines or speaks very quietly

       Steps backward when spoken to

      The Assertive Person

      An assertive person is someone who is concerned for himself and his own rights as well as those of other people. He wants to meet others on an equal footing rather than score points over them.

      The assertive person is usually the only one of the three types who ends up achieving the goals he has set himself. The aggressor may believe that he wins in the short term but, because he creates such bad feeling around him, there is no loyalty on which he can depend. The submissive person often does not set himself any goals in the first place, believing that he would never be able to reach them.

      Respect for other people and the realization that they too have needs and rights distinguishes the assertive person from these others. His aim is for everyone to win and for this reason he is willing to negotiate and compromise in a positive way. When he makes a promise he always keeps it and so those around him develop trust in him. Because he is in touch with his own feelings, he is able to explain how he feels to others – even when his feelings are negative because of something they have done or said – and can do so in such a way that these others will feel no resentment.

      Inwardly the assertive person feels at peace with himself and therefore with those around him. Each new challenge is faced in a positive rather than a negative way and, because of his inner confidence and the fact that he is aware of his own limitations, he is prepared to take a certain number of risks when it comes to new ventures and ideas. Sometimes things may not work out as he had hoped, but someone who is assertive realizes that it is permissible to be wrong occasionally and that it is possible to learn from one’s mistakes. Assertiveness means that he does not have to steal anyone else’s ideas or stab others in the back. When things go well he is able to acknowledge his success and be proud of – as opposed to conceited about – what he has achieved.

      Outwardly the assertive person is a joy to be associated with. His enthusiasm can be catching and will often inspire others to become more positive in their outlook. Because he is not manipulative and does not go behind other people’s backs, those around him learn to believe in and co-operate with him. His sense of inner serenity reduces the amount of stress he feels and he is therefore more able to direct his energy into achieving whatever goals he has set himself. And, because he rarely suffers from extreme mood swings, his behaviour towards others is consistent and the lines of communication are kept open.

      Obviously, from the description above, an assertive person feels good about himself most of the time. Because of this he makes other people feel good, too. They develop a sense of security and trust because regular communication and feedback lets them know what is expected of them and where they stand. Tactical ‘game-playing’ or attempts to score over one another are reduced to a minimum and therefore everyone concerned is able to turn their energies towards achieving a communal goal rather than indulging in petty power struggles.

      Respect is an integral part of the assertive person’s attitude – respect for himself and for other people. And this respect is usually reflected around him, encouraging his colleagues to-co-operate as fully as possible. Any success, great or small, is commented upon and complimented and this, too, encourages everyone to try even harder to perform well, whatever the task.

      Verbal and body language by which you can recognize the assertive person include the following:

      Verbal Language

       I feel …

       I would like …

       What is your opinion?

       What do you think is the best way to tackle …?

       I think …

       Let’s…

      Body Language

       Has an upright but relaxed stance

       His gaze is steady and he maintains eye contact

       Has a СКАЧАТЬ