Black Boxes. Caroline Smailes

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СКАЧАТЬ know that you'll return.

       ~Are you there?~

       ~Can you hear me?~

      You're waiting for me to die.

       ~Are you there?~

      You're waiting to see if you've killed me.

      [silence]

      I am trapped.

      I will not leave this black square box.

      [sound: pinging of a filament in a light bulb]

      When we were students you liked to sing.

      I liked to sing too.

      You once told me that I had a sweet voice.

       ~Did you once say that?

      I'm not too sure that you did.

      I remember one day.

      I couldn't tolerate hearing the same sad song over and over.

      About the same Indian Girl.

      And how she had broken your heart.

      So I asked you why you didn't write a new song.

      Something about the two of us.

      We'd been together for over a year.

       ~And do you remember what you said to me?~

      You said, I can't write about you.

      You laughed when you said that.

      And you said, the Indian Girl is the only girl that I have ever loved.

      That, nothing could compare to her.

      I never asked her name.

       ~Would you even have told me?~

      [sound: glass smashing]

      [two second silence]

      From the beginning we had problems.

      Sexual.

       ~I know that the topic makes you uncomfortable, but I want to talk about it.~

      I have to talk about this now.

      There won't be another time.

       ~You've seen to that haven't you?~

      We've never spoken about our sexual problems.

       ~Where to begin?~

      You had a problem entering me.

      With intimacy.

      From the very beginning.

      [sound: a loud sigh]

       ~Yes you did.~

      Your erections were laughable.

      And the story of our passion failed to have a beginning, middle and end.

       ~Do you understand what I mean by this?~

       ~I don't think that you do!~

      You weren't erect or you were erect.

      Nothing in between.

      And it seemed to me that the level of your stiffness had nothing to do with me.

      I wasn't involved.

      It was an up and down kind of thing.

      There was nothing that I could do.

      And I tried.

      I tried everything.

      Everything.

      I feel embarrassed.

      [voiced: unrecognisable words]

      [volume: low]

      At what I allowed you to do to me.

       ~Do you even know that I tried?~

      You'd blame the drugs.

      You'd praise the drugs.

       ~Do you remember?~

      I know that you're clean now.

      That all stopped when I was pregnant.

      Everything stopped when I was pregnant.

       ~But do you remember sex and your joints?~

       ~Do you remember the potion that they created together?~

      The sparks that you lit.

       ~Do you remember how you could go on and on and on?~

      And that there would be no middle.

      And that there would be no end.

      You would just stop.

      Out of exhaustion.

       ~Or was it boredom?~

      But for me it was pain.

       ~I've never told you this before.~

      You see.

      You never considered that you were hurting me.

      That your constant pounding.

      That your sweat-dripping performance hurt me inside.

      You see.

      I was too dry.

       ~Yes dry.~

      [sound: cackle of laughter]

      In all of the waiting and hoping for an erection and in all of the needing to instantly react the moment stiffness emerged.

      Well there was no thought for me.

      You didn't consider that I needed to be turned on.

      That I needed my buttons to be flicked.

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