100 Of The Best Curses and Insults In Italian: A Toolkit for the Testy Tourist. Chuck Gonzales

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       What to say:

       LEVATI DAI PIEDI!

      “Get lost!”

       It’s appropriate to say this because. . .

      You work for your money. You don’t beg or steal, even though the prospect often sounds significantly more appealing than your 9 to 5 misery. Remember that by giving a an aggressive beggar money, you’re perpetuating the cycle. Help society by teaching those importunate slackers that bumming doesn’t pay!

       EXTRA CREDIT

      Beggars can be persistent. It may take a couple of rebuffs to make your point. As such, here are some other useful phrases:

       NON HO UNA LIRA, CAPITO?

      “I've got no money, dig?”

      Even though euros have replaced lira in Italy, Italians still understand and use this expression regularly.

       LASCIAMI IN PACE!

      “Leave me alone!”

      And if all else fails, here’s your silver bullet:

       CHIAMO LA POLIZIA!

      “I'm going to call the police!”

SITUATION #5: WAITER HATER

      As luck would have it, an important client has taken you to dinner at a Florentine trattoria where the snooty staff doesn't speak a lick of English. Desperate not to reveal yourself to your gourmand colleague as the inexperienced and finicky eater you really are, you seize the moment when he slips away to the WC (bathroom) to beg communication with your waiter. Your attempt at miming a person twirling long noodles around a fork is met with a blank stare. So you sketch a mounding plate of noodles and meatballs on a paper napkin and hand it over hopefully. The next thing you know, your waiter has doubled over with laughter just as your client returns with puzzlement to the table.

       What to do:

      Dignifying the situation with as little fanfare as you can, turn to face your waiter with a smile as sweet as vin santo (a dessert wine from Tuscany) and deliver the following threat in the same tone you might use if introduced to the Pope.

       What to say:

       SE NON LA PIANTI DI ROMPERMI TI RIDUCO IN POLPETTE!

      “Leave me alone or I'll make hamburger meat out of you!”

       It’s appropriate to say this because. . .

      Unlike elsewhere in the world, where aspiring actors and model wannabes wait tables in order to scrape by and make rent, the service industry in Italy is one that is taken quite seriously. That said, just because your waiter is capable of memorizing who ordered the fried zucchini flowers, doesn’t give him the right to treat you like an uncultured buffoon.

       In the know:

      While tipping is customary in some European countries, it is not expected in Italy. And don’t let yourself feel guilty about that fact. You’re probably being charged without realizing it for that the carb-olicious basket of bread!

       EXTRA CREDIT

      Want to tell that waiter what you really think of him? Here are just a few suggestions off our insult menu:

       SEI. . .

      (You are. . .)

       . . .UN MALEDUCATO

      (. . .a boor)

       . . .UN ROMPICOGLIONI

      (. . .a pain in the ass)

       . . .UNO STRONZO

      (. . .an asshole)

       . . .UN TESTA DI CAZZO

      (. . .a d**ckhead)

       . . .UN PORCO

      (. . .a pig)

SITUATION #6: OH, MAN!

      It’s amore (love)—and it’s official. After months of negotiation, your Italian stallion boyfriend has finally moved in with you! You can practically hear the wedding bells and bambino (baby) coos. You note with pleasure that said ragazzo (boy) seems to have settled into your space almost seamlessly before discovering with horror the following morning that he has claimed one of your three closet shelves for his 19—yes, that’s correct, NINETEEN!—man-bags. When you ask him why a man—really anyone—should need so many bags, he counters that different bags look bello (beautiful) with different outfits. He may as well have just bagged your entire sex life, you’re so turned off.

       What to do:

      Suggest he reconsider and get rid of at least half of his purses. If he refuses, ask him if he might need a shelf in the bathroom for his makeup, too. If that still doesn’t work, redirect your approach and draw attention to his shrinking manhood.

       What to say:

       DICI CHE POTREBBE STARCI ANCHE UNA POMPAPER ALLUNGARE IL PENE SULLA MENSOLA?

      “Think we can fit a penis pump on that shelf, too?”

       It’s appropriate to say this because. . .

      This is the guy you’re supposed to be spending your nights with. The one you’re supposed to be sleeping with. . .as in more than just sleeping. And he has 19 purses? Your southern half is insisting that you sort out this metrosexual mess pronto.

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