The Yummy Mummy’s Survival Guide. Liz Fraser

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Great Hair Treatments: John Frieda Frizz-Ease Miraculous Recovery Deep Conditioning Treatment, The Body Shop Olive Glossing Conditioner.

      

Great Body Treats: Elemis Frangipani Monoi Moisture Melt, Body Shop Shea Body Butter, Dove Silkening Body Lotion.

      

Mother-to-Be Treats: The Sanctuary Mum To Be Body Cream, Natalia Perfect Pregnancy Kit Bodycare by Vital Touch.

      Debbie, mother of Luke, three, and Helena, eleven months

      

       While I was still in the hospital I shaved my legs, put on a refreshing face pack and painted my finger—and toe-nails. When the health visitor called at my house the next day, she looked at me, in my Monsoon shirt, flowing skirt and full make-up, and asked if I was my sister. She couldn’t believe I had just had a baby, but I felt wonderful. Fully me, and fully ready to tackle the day’s chores.

      Sex: How, Why And When?

      Sex may not be foremost on your mind as your pregnancy really starts to take shape (as it were), but it’s still there, and it needs some attention too. Pregnancy can have a huge effect on your attitude towards sex, and whatever your experience, somebody else will be feeling the same way.

      Some women become nymphomaniacs, others go off sex completely for the rest of their lives, and most fall somewhere in between.

      Dealing with the WHY first, there are two answers I have found: firstly, because you still can, and secondly, because if you don’t you will worry about your lack of interest, and that your partner, becoming paralysingly frustrated, will run off with next-door’s nanny while you turn into a miserable old prune. The first part is very real: when you are super-huge, sex becomes physically impossible, if not dangerous to whoever happens to be underneath you. Once the baby is born you won’t be able to have sex for a good few weeks, or even months, and after that you will have to schedule it in between ‘go to bed’ and ‘fall asleep’, which can only amount to about ten seconds, on a good day.

      HOW is up to you really, but any chandeliers, trapezes and highly penetrative sex toys are out for now. Sorry. Vibrators are still cool, but careful where you put them is all I’d say: easy does it…Lying on your back is uncomfortable and unwise for long periods of time now, because the baby is getting heavy and it presses down on your back and reduces your blood flow. Get a book and play around, because I’m sure as hell not going to tell you how we did it!

      WHEN? Whenever you can. And can be bothered. And don’t feel sick, or have terrible heartburn (although my husband swears he knows the best cure for that, if you know what I mean…), or are too tired, or want to sit in the bath squeezing colostrum out of your nipples instead. It’s your call, because you are the pregnant one here.

      Oh, and masturbation is still fine. Quick, effective, painless and risk-free.

      TOP TIP: Less of a tip than a request, really. Please, please keep having sex as much as you can while you are pregnant. It’s so easy to put it on hold for a while, but getting your mojo back when you’ve been ‘on a break’ for several months is really difficult. You will need all the help you can to feel like a sexy, horny, desirable, nubile young thing once you become a Yummy Mummy as it is, and sex is one of the best ways of keeping in touch with the old you.

      The F Word: I am Definitely the Fattest Person in the World

      No you’re not. You are pregnant. Reminding yourself that you are pregnant and not fat doesn’t make it any easier or less distressing at the time, alas: when you start to feel big, bloated and shapeless it’s horrible, and you won’t be able to see past your growing abdomen and convince yourself that it’s actually not that bad. However, to most other, rational people you look lovely and womanly.

      TOP SURVIVAL TIPS for this stage:

      

Don’t spend hours looking at yourself in front of the mirror from all angles, wondering if you are still the same shape when you try really hard to imagine the bump isn’t there. It’s hopeless.

      

It’s impossible to be objective. To your pregnant eyes, everything is bigger. And bigger is definitely not better right now.

      

Don’t ask your partner’s opinion. It’s very unfair, because he can only either lie to you or be the target of your pregnant wrath and loathing. You won’t believe him anyway, because you are convinced that you are fat, so leave him out of it. Poor bloke.

      

Look at pictures of beautiful, sexy, curvaceous women, and realise that larger can definitely be gorgeouser. Rachel Weisz, Jennifer Lopez, Kate Winslet, Kelly Brook and on and on. Sexy, curvy women! Love it.

      If none of the above works, then this will be a difficult, depressing few months, until you become properly pregnant and have no option but to go with the flow and love your bump. In the meantime, do yourself a favour and remember: YOU ARE NOT FAT, you just have ‘fat lenses’ in for a while.

      Testing, Testing: One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six…

      Pregnant women need to toughen up before the birth, and the best way to do this is to stick needles in them as often as possible. Or so the medical profession seems to think. By the time you’ve reached The End, your arms will look like a watering can, you’ll have weed in enough small plastic vials to fill a watering can, and you will have had more tests than a watering can goes through before it’s released onto the shelves at B&Q.

      Most of this testing is just to keep an eye on your iron levels and to see if there’s any protein in your urine (a sign of pre-eclampsia, aka Very Bad News). But there are other tests you will be offered, which can tell you a lot about your unborn baby, and which you will have to decide whether to have done or not.

      Here are some of the main tests to expect:

      

Routine blood tests. These will first determine your blood group, rhesus factor and iron levels, and then whether you have Hepatitis B, syphilis (ugh) or toxoplasmosis, and whether you are immune to German measles. If you are rhesus negative you will probably have blood tests every four weeks or so after 28 weeks.

      

Blood-pressure checks. Every time you see your doctor she will check that your blood pressure isn’t starting to shoot through the roof. If you are like me, the opposite problem will occur: my blood pressure gets lower throughout every pregnancy, until I can barely stand up without passing out. Hey, at least it’s different.

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