Tully. Paullina Simons

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СКАЧАТЬ a little. ‘I always wonder what we look like when we are together. Whether we fit, you know.’

      ‘I know,’ said Tully. ‘And you do.’ Tully saw it in Jennifer’s eyes again, the mute withdrawal, and changed the subject. ‘When do you think we’ll be hearing from Stanford and UCSC?’

      ‘February,’ replied Jennifer.

      They parked in front of Tully’s house.

      ‘Do you really want me to come in with you?’ asked Jennifer.

      ‘You must,’ said Tully. ‘That is, if you want me to live.’

      They woke Hedda up, who sat with her head drooped and mouth open in front of the late news. Tully woke her up.

      Hedda thanked Jennifer for driving Tully home and asked Tully where she got her pretty dress. Tully actually felt lucky then that she looked like a flower shop.

      ‘Want to sleep over, Jen?’ Tully turned to her mother. ‘Is that okay, Mom?’

      ‘Tully!’ Jennifer said. ‘You want me to sleep over? I haven’t asked my own mother.’

      Tully nodded. ‘So ask her.’

      Jennifer looked briefly away but called her mother and made sure it was all right.

      ‘Jennifer, how could anything not be all right with your parents?’ Tully said as they were getting ready for bed. ‘If you told them you were heading for Texas to become a tattooed rodeo girl, they’d pay your way.’

      ‘You’re wrong, Tully,’ said Jen. ‘They’re not happy we’re going to Palo Alto.’

      ‘Are they paying your way?’ asked Tully, adding, when she saw Jennifer’s expression, ‘See?’

      They climbed into Tully’s bed together. When Jennifer was younger she had many nightmares, many bad things frightened her in the night, and Tully, who used to stay over at Jen’s house three, four times a week, would climb into Jennifer’s bed to calm her down. Tully did not mention all the bad things that came to her in the night. The habits of children die hard, and as they got older, Tully did try to sleep on the floor when she stayed over. When she did, it felt as if she and Jen were fighting, so they continued to sleep alongside each other. When Julie stayed over with them, all three girls slept on the floor. In the last few years, Tully seldom slept over with just Jen.

      Tully pulled her blanket over them and spooned Jennifer, the only position in which Jen liked to sleep. Tully occasionally wondered through the years what it would be like to be spooned herself, but never brought it up. It was never that important.

      Jennifer’s hair smelled faintly of Gee, Your Hair Smells Terrific. Tully touched it. Jennifer didn’t stir. She seemed tired, or silent. Uncomfortable?

      ‘Jen, your hair smells terrific. Jen?’

      ‘Hmm?’

      ‘Jennifer? Are you uncomfortable?’

      ‘Me? No, why should I be uncomfortable?’

      ‘You go through these things sometimes. You get awkward.’

      ‘I’m okay, Tully,’ Jennifer answered. ‘I’m glad to be here. I haven’t been here in so long. With you for so long.’ Jen paused. ‘We missed you, Tully, when you weren’t with us.’

      Tully swallowed and held Jennifer tighter. ‘I was with you guys, I was constantly over.’

      ‘Not constantly,’ said Jennifer. ‘Not like before. And never alone with me. Admit it, Tull, you wanted to be away from us.’

      ‘No, that’s not true,’ said Tully.

      ‘So why did you do it, then? Why did you stay away?’

      ‘Who knows? I guess I just wanted to be with people who didn’t know me at all.’

      ‘Yes, but why?’

      ‘Because,’ said Tully, ‘I guess I needed some seclusion.’

      ‘Seclusion? Like anonymity?’

      ‘Yes, just like that.’

      Jen was quiet. ‘Anonymity, like…death?’

      ‘Yeah,’ said Tully slowly. ‘I guess like death.’ In the dark, she could almost bear it.

      ‘So would you say that you sort of, like, died during those years?’

      ‘Yes,’ said Tully. ‘I guess you could say that.’

      Jennifer was quiet. ‘Why did you need that so much, all that anonymity? What happened to you that you needed to…die? Did you fall in love with someone? Did something break your heart?’

      Tully shook her head. ‘Jenny, I didn’t fall in love. And no one broke my heart.’

      ‘Tell me, Tully,’ said Jennifer.

      After a moment of silence, Tully said softly, ‘Nothing to tell, Mandolini.’

      ‘Makker, you even stopped playing softball. Come on.’

      ‘Really,’ said Tully, smelling Jennifer’s hair again. ‘Believe me.’

      ‘Makker, you are full of shit. You really don’t want to talk about it, do you?’

      ‘No, Jen, I really don’t.’

      ‘Well,’ said Jennifer, ‘in any case, I’m glad you came back, Tully. We missed you when you were gone.’

      And I missed you, too, guys, thought Tully, but remained silent.

      ‘Tell me, Tully,’ said Jennifer. ‘Tell me about the first time with your wrists.’

      Tully moved away slightly. Jennifer reached around and pulled her back. ‘Go on.’

      ‘Not much to tell,’ said Tully.

      ‘Tell me why you do it.’

      ‘Jennifer, what the hell is wrong with you, what are you asking me this shit for?’

      ‘Just tell me, Tully,’ whispered Jen. ‘Tell me. Do you do it to die?’

      Tully sighed. ‘No,’ she said slowly. ‘I don’t think I do it to die. I do it because I want to feel what death feels like. I just want unconsciousness to wash over me, I do it almost like they did it in the ancient times – to heal myself. And then when all the bad is out of me, I come to and go on.’

      Tully trailed off, thinking of the very first time she sat down inside a bathtub filled with water with a double-edged razor in her hand. She thought her young breastless body was all relaxed, but when she put the razor near her wrists, her fingers were shaking so badly, she had to put them back in the water for a few minutes until she calmed down. Am I going СКАЧАТЬ