Working It Out. Alex George

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СКАЧАТЬ ceremony she hooked her little finger underneath the doll’s knee-length skirt and hiked it upwards over its hips. She deftly spread the doll’s legs as wide as the little plastic joints would allow, and placed it in the middle of the table, its parted legs pointing wantonly at Johnathan. Johnathan looked, appalled. At the top of the doll’s legs sat what looked like a small Brillo pad.

      ‘Right,’ he said eventually.

      ‘John, if my client is to adhere to company policy then all future dolls coming from Mr Rocastle’s factory will have to be fitted with pubic hair, and that may be quite an expensive addition,’ said Schlongheist. It sounded a bit like getting a car fitted with a sun-roof. ‘Unless we can come to some sort of arrangement then I fear we shall have to reconsider our current negotiating position.’

      Johnathan tried to think. He began to feel very uncomfortable. He tried hard to look somewhere other than at the doll’s grisly pudendum, which seemed to have fixed him with its evil eye. ‘Wouldn’t it be a feasible option to leave these dolls as they are?’ he said desperately. ‘If you like it could represent another option open to women. After all, not every woman has pubic hair.’

      Harry Sawyer considered this. ‘So you’re suggesting that the English dolls could just be dolls of women who have chosen to shave their pubis?’ He seemed enchanted. He looked down the length of the table enquiringly. ‘It certainly is an option. Anybody got any comments?’

      Ulverton Lovestick raised his hand, as if in school. He spoke with a mellifluous southern twang. ‘I guess that’d work as long as we made it clear from the marketing that the choice to depilate had been made, and that it wasn’t some oversight on our part.’

      There was an enthusiastic nodding around the table as people began to murmur quietly to each other. Ulverton Lovestick began to sketch something on a piece of paper.

      Gary Schlongheist III raised his hands in protest. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I suspect we may be getting slightly off the point of today’s meeting–’

      He was ignored. The other Americans had descended into a huddle. ‘…We could package in such a way as to explain the health benefits of depilation, the convenience…’

      ‘…It would be a radical departure for us…’

      ‘We could call her Depilating Donna.’

      ‘Or Hairless Helen.’

      ‘I’ve got it. What about Shaving Sharon?’

      Aaron Bostick was not convinced, however. ‘It’ll just make our products like everyone else’s,’ he complained. ‘We’ll lose the male market, that’s for sure.’

      Johnathan blinked.

      The Americans began to discuss the marketing possibilities which Johnathan’s suggestion had unwittingly presented. Schlongheist flapped ineffectually around his clients. Johnathan eyed the half-naked doll. Some deep-seated sense of decorum urged him to straighten its legs and restore its dress to the proper position, but he couldn’t bring himself to touch it.

      Gerald Buchanan then breezed in. Johnathan got up from his chair and led him to the far corner of the room, out of earshot of the others.

      ‘What’s the prob?’ demanded Gerald. Johnathan told him.

      Gerald blinked.

      When Johnathan explained his proposed solution to the problem Gerald let out a low whistle. ‘I’m surprised they didn’t lynch you on the spot, old boy,’ he said. ‘Americans don’t like people taking the piss.’

      Johnathan leant forward. ‘But Gerald, that’s what they’re discussing. They think it might be a feasible option.’

      ‘Are you serious?’ asked Gerald. Johnathan nodded. ‘Well I’ll be buggered,’ whispered Gerald, ‘they’re even madder than we thought. Extraordinary.’

      Gary Schlongheist III bustled up. ‘Excuse me, gentlemen,’ he said peevishly. ‘I don’t really think it appropriate that you be present while my clients are making this sort of sensitive commercial decision. Would you mind…?’ He gestured towards the door. Gerald slowly turned and left. Johnathan followed him out.

      They stood in the deserted corridor. ‘Pubic hair?’ said Gerald. Johnathan nodded. ‘Christ, what next? Next they’ll be having dolls that menstruate.’

      ‘Actually, they already do,’ said Johnathan.

      Some minutes later the door to the meeting room opened and Schlongheist came out. ‘It appears that my clients have reached a consensus of opinion in respect of the problem which we have identified this morning,’ he said, trying to hide his disappointment.

      ‘Yes?’ said Gerald.

      ‘Won’t you come in?’ Schlongheist held the door open sulkily.

      Gerald and Johnathan filed inside and sat down opposite a row of flushed, excited faces. Gary Schlongheist III coughed. ‘Well, we do appear to have arrived at a suitable compromise solution to the difficulty identified–’

      ‘Cut the crap, Gary,’ suggested H.D.(Harry) Sawyer amicably.

      Schlongheist reddened. ‘Yes, as I was saying, my clients are prepared to run with the idea that Mr Burlip suggested and on that basis I think that we can now proceed on the terms as we had originally planned.’ He looked crestfallen.

      Gerald looked at him sourly from across the table. He leant forward and said, ‘Are you tweaking my twinky?’

      ‘Pardon?’ said Schlongheist.

      ‘You heard. Are you pulling my plonker? Jiggling my joystick? Yanking my yard? Beating my meat?’

      ‘I’m sorry, Gerald, I really have no idea what you’re referring to,’ said the American, glancing at the assembled company nervously.

      Gerald was in full flow now. ‘Come off it, Gary,’ he said, with some venom. ‘I’ve been in this business long enough to know when someone is schlapping my schnitzel.’

      Johnathan frowned, quite lost. The Americans had begun to murmur amongst themselves.

      ‘Your schnitzel?’ asked Schlongheist doubtfully.

      Gerald looked at the Americans and gestured helplessly. He seemed genuinely upset. Without warning he slammed down his hand on to the table top. Brandy Jordan jumped. The doll jumped. ‘Dammit Gary! Come on. Be reasonable.’ Gerald stood up and began pacing the room. He appeared to be struggling to find the words he wanted to say. ‘I’m not prepared,’ he said, ‘to be treated like this, have you manipulate my manhood, let you play cat’s-cradle with my cock.’ He slumped back into his chair, emotionally wrung out. The Americans looked impressed. Schlongheist, hopelessly confused, waited.

      Eventually Gerald said, ‘Have you nothing to say?’

      Schlongheist looked at him through slitted eyes. ‘About what, exactly?’

      Gerald looked at Schlongheist for a moment. ‘I see,’ he said suddenly, and began gathering up his papers to leave. Turning away from Schlongheist, he winked cheerfully at Johnathan.

      ‘Wait, СКАЧАТЬ