The Complete Collection. William Wharton

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СКАЧАТЬ the boy. It makes me feel rejected, alone. I spend my days watching different birds with binoculars because it gets me close, blocks out everything else; the birds fill my whole vision. They’re the way they are in my dreams, real my size. I feel physically close to them and they’re not just little feathered animals. I’m getting to hate taking my eyes from the binoculars and looking at myself and everything around me. My hands, my feet, are grotesque. I’m becoming a stranger in myself, in my own cages, with my own birds.

      I stop doing the flying exercise. If I can fly in my dreams, I don’t need to fly in the real world. I’m ready to accept the fact that there’s most likely no way I can actually get myself off the ground, anyway. I could probably manage an extended glide, but I wouldn’t fly. I’m also finding it isn’t so much the flying I want, not as a boy flapping heavy wings; I want to be a bird. In my dreams I am a bird and that’s all that matters.

      I’m making egg food three times a day. I’m using almost a dozen eggs a day now. There are young in all the nests. It isn’t nearly as much fun having so many birds. When you get too far away from anything and there’s too much of it, the outside is all you see and it becomes work like anything else. It’s also hard for me to handle the birds. I feel like an awkward giant; the bird is only a bit of feathers beating and struggling in my hand. It takes the wonderful part away.

      Then, I have something new happen in the dream. I’m in the flight cage as usual; the other males are still with me. I’m flying up and over a perch without landing on it. It’s a trick Alfonso has been teaching me. Alfonso watches for a while, then suggests we go down and have a few seeds. I fly down with him and land on the perch by the seed cup. It’s late afternoon and there’s sun on the new aviary floor. I look out of the cage into the part of the aviary with the breeding cages.

      I see myself sitting on a chair with the binoculars! I can’t see my face, only my jacket and my legs with the pants I’d been wearing that day. I fly over to the wire and look carefully. I peep to myself but I don’t turn around. I can look at myself all I want. It’s me. I’m even wearing my red woolen cap. I can see my own hand over the edge of the chair steadying the binoculars. It’s like looking at myself dead. Me, out there, doesn’t seem to know about me in the cage, hanging on the wire. I’m afraid to look down to see if I have a bird body; I’m afraid I’ll end the dream. How can I see myself in two places at once? That’s too much even for a dream.

      If I’m out there, gigantic, looking through binoculars, then where am I really, what am I? I don’t look down. I fly over to Alfonso.

      ‘Al, who’s that outside the cage?’

      Alfonso casually looks through the wire of the flight cage. He cracks another seed and swallows it.

      ‘He’s the one who keeps us here, he feeds us, he moves us. He brought me here once. He brought Birdie here, too. Everybody knows about him.’

      ‘Yes, but what is he?’

      I want to find out what Alfonso knows. I want to know how much Alfonso is only me in the dream.

      ‘I don’t know. It’s better not to ask. He’s just there. Without him there would be nothing.’

      I fly up again to the perch. In my dream, Alfonso doesn’t know, only I know. I’m confused and this time I’m not sure I’m dreaming. The dream is changing. It’s the first time I’m two separate beings. Time is catching up with the dream, too.

      When I wake up, I stay in bed a long time; it’s Saturday. I have to clean all the breeding cages. I have to put in new feed, clean water troughs, make egg food, wash out all the egg cups. Do the birds ever think about where the food comes from? None of these seeds would grow within hundreds of miles of here. It’s all so artificial, make-believe. Their lives go on because I want them to.

      Probably our world is the same. At breakfast I put butter on my toast. I don’t know how to make either butter or bread. I don’t know how to raise a cow or milk it. I don’t know how to plant wheat, harvest it, remove the grain, mill it, bake it. The Little Red Hen has it all over me.

      – Who wins? What’s winning? The sure way to lose is to have to win.

      One thing I know. You sure as hell can’t pin life.

      I’m getting so the dream holds together. It stops for the days but I can’t remember that it stops. Another thing is I can’t remember the beginning of what I’m calling the dream no matter how hard I try. In my dream, I’m convinced I’ve always been there, and the dream has no beginning.

      When I go out to the aviary, I do not feel strange. I know I exist as me in this aviary in the dream. I know I have my things to do and the birds expect me to do them. I’m Birdy, the boy, who makes it all possible. Without me there would be nothing. I belong here; I’m part.

      I sit watching the birds and thinking. One side of me wants to know and another side wants to let it all just happen. I get a pencil and a piece of paper. I write myself a message and put it on the floor of the aviary. How much of what happens in the daytime has anything to do with the dream? Can I reach myself this way?

      That night I’m alone in the aviary. It is as empty as it is in the day. The dream has caught up. I can hear the males in the breeding cages just as they are in the real world. I go down to eat some of the egg food and some dandelion leaves. The paper with the note is on the floor.

      ‘Birdy is a bird is a Birdie.’

      That’s what I’d written. I fly to a top perch. I feel terribly cut off; I’m even cut off from the other birds. I peep and call out to them but they do not answer. I call for Alfonso. Nothing! I’m alone but I can fly.

      I practice flying and trying to feel exactly what it’s like. I had the wrong idea when I built my models. Flying isn’t like swimming. It isn’t all pushing down, catching air under the wings and pushing against it. There’s a feeling of being lifted from the top, of moving up into an emptiness. Also, my flight feathers twist and pull on the air, pulling back, so I go forward. There was nothing in my models to keep me going forward. Reaching ahead with the wings and pulling back isn’t enough. The flight feathers work like the propeller of an airplane.

      I get the courage to look down. I am a bird. I look exactly like a canary. I look like Birdie. I fly all over the cage; I try to watch myself fly. It’s a marvelous feeling, more wonderful than I could possibly have expected. I look outside and wish again I could fly free. There are so many places I’d like to fly. It’s so natural to fly and so unnatural not having anyplace to fly to.

      The next day, I think more about my message. It actually didn’t prove anything because I already knew what was written. I went into the dream with it in my head and so I was seeing something I already knew.

      When I finish feeding and checking nests, I take five pieces of paper and write five different messages. I turn them upside down and shuffle them completely. I take one at random and put it on the bottom of the flight cage, face up, without looking at it. I also put some seed, egg food, and water in the empty cage. This doesn’t make sense because there was always something to eat when the other males were there, even though the cage’d been empty for two weeks and I hadn’t been putting in any food. But now, the dream is caught up and I don’t want to take any chance of starving myself to death. I suspect there’s the possibility I could get caught in the dream for several days, even in one night.

      In my dream that night, I’m alone again. There’s the piece of paper on the floor. I fly down to read it. All five messages are on the one sheet of paper. I go over to eat some egg food and drink a drop of water. СКАЧАТЬ