The Complete Helen Forrester 4-Book Memoir: Twopence to Cross the Mersey, Liverpool Miss, By the Waters of Liverpool, Lime Street at Two. Helen Forrester

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СКАЧАТЬ Birkenhead ferry was slowly leaving the stage and vanishing into the misty river. The shore hands were coiling up their ropes ready for the next ferry-boat. Upon the invisible river invisible ferries clanged their bells and were answered by freighters sounding their foghorns. Behind me, the lights of the Royal Liver and Cunard buildings barely penetrated the unseasonable gloom. At one end of the landing-stage a pilot-boat had just returned from beyond the bar, after collecting the pilot from an out-going ship. At the other end a group of customs officers chatted, their raincoats gleaming with moisture. No passengers were waiting for the ferries.

      Carefully, I tucked the cover round the sleeping Edward and made sure that the hood protected him from the slight wind which occasionally lifted the fog. I hoped someone kind would find him and take him home and love him. I propped the pram against a post so that it could not roll into the water, and left it.

      Very slowly, I approached the chain fence that stopped pedestrians from falling off the edge of the landing-stage. When I felt its cold links against my shins, I paused. Some three feet still separated me from the swirling water, invisible for the moment because of the mist

      I stepped over the fence and took a couple of paces more. I could see the water now. Everyone in Liverpool knew that if anybody fell into the water at the end of the landing-stage the tremendous undertow would suck them right under the stage to certain death. It would not take long.

      I was shivering violently, nauseated by the thought of the oily water and the choking death which seemed to be the only available way of committing suicide. At the same time I could not bear the thought of turning back into a life which was unendurable to me.

      I took a large breath preparatory to jumping.

      A huge paw clamped suddenly down on my shoulders and a voice behind me said, ‘And phwhat in the Name o’ God do you think you’re doing?’

      The sudden interruption was so terrifying that my knees buckled under me, and another huge hand grasped the back of my dress, and I was yanked bodily back over the fence.

      Supported only by the iron grip on my shoulder, I found myself looking at the middle fastenings of a sailor’s waterproofs. I followed the line of the fastenings upwards with my eyes and found myself looking into the rubicund face of the pilot who had just landed. The water dripping off the peak of his cap did not obscure the concern in his eyes.

      I could not answer. I was fainting.

      ‘Mother of Heaven, you gave me a fright,’ he said sharply.

      I must have fainted completely, because the next thing I remember was being in a little canteen and having hot tea forced between my lips by a careworn woman in grubby white.

      ‘Och, you’ll be all right now,’ she said in a rich Irish voice. ‘Sure, and you frightened the Captain out of his wits.’

      I put my head down on the tea-stained table by me until the world ceased whirling round me. I felt dreadfully cold and so tired that all I could think about was sleep.

      After a minute or two, I straightened up. My rescuer said heartily, ‘Well, now, you’ll be all right And don’t you step over that chain again, young lady, or you’ll fall right in.’ He turned to the hovering waitress, put his hand in his trouser pocket, took out a coin and gave it to her. ‘Here’s for the tea. I’ve no doubt the gel will be all right in a minute or two. I have to report to the office.’

      He looked down at me, his face beaming.

      ‘Goodbye, young lady.’

      ‘Goodbye,’ I said, ‘and thank you.’

      I drank the rest of the tea gratefully and, at the urging of the waitress, sat for about ten minutes to rest Gradually, my numbed brain began to work once more. I knew I could not screw up enough courage to go out into the fog and try to jump again; yet I could not stay long where I was.

      I suddenly remembered Edward.

      It seemed that I would have to go home, because there was nowhere else to go.

      Slowly I got up, thanked the waitress and, with many protestations that I was now quite well, I went to collect the Chariot Edward was sitting up and whimpering.

      The children were home when I arrived, slowly dragging the Chariot after me.

      ‘You haven’t got tea ready,’ said Avril indignantly, ‘and Alan can’t find a knife to cut the bread.’

       CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

      Very few people who try to commit suicide really want to kill themselves; their attempt is a last hysterical cry for help. When willing hands are outstretched to aid them and some effort is made to alter the circumstances that drove them to such despair, they will try again to cope with life. I was no exception; two people had been very kind to me and I was extremely touched by the fact. On my return home, the necessity of dealing with the children’s needs steadied me and Fiona’s loving help with these tasks comforted me. I clung to her when we went to bed and drew some strength from the touch of her frail body and from her gentle spirit. By morning, something of my normal common sense had returned.

      The day was as bright and clear as its predecessor had been foggy and damp. The family dispersed to school and to work, Avril going proudly to school holding Fiona’s hand. Edward and I were left to contemplate a bare house, except for our shiny new drawing-room, which I dusted very carefully from time to time. The few dishes were soon washed, what beds and substitutes for beds we had were soon tithed and the fire allowed to go out until evening. Though still very exhausted, my spirits rose a little as Edward and I went out to buy food.

      Outside the elementary school a fresh poster announced the opening of evening schools that day for the winter session. I contemplated it with a feeling of hopelessness. It would certainly be inconvenient to my parents if I was out in the evening – they would almost certainly veto any such idea.

      The hopelessness gave way to a slow burning anger, and then to determination. I would try once more to go to school. Perhaps if Father and Mother were faced with a fait accompli, they would give in. I therefore took Fiona and Alan into my confidence at tea-time, and they agreed to help with Edward and Avril while I was away and to cover up for me if my parents noticed my absence.

      When both parents went out to the library, I slipped away to the school and joined a crowd of youngsters moving slowly through the entrance.

      A young teacher asked me, as I stood uncertainly in the hall, what courses I wanted to take.

      I was aghast I had no idea what courses to take. All I wanted was to continue my education from where I had left off nearly three years earlier.

      ‘I am not sure,’ I managed to mutter. ‘I know I need to learn arithmetic’

      She pointed to an open doorway farther down the hall.

      ‘Try bookkeeping,’ she said kindly, as she turned to attend to another lost youngster.

      I did not know what bookkeeping was, but I was so scared of the shifting, staring young people crowding round me, some of whom sniggered when they looked at me, that I bolted down the corridor and turned thankfully into a classroom holding about a dozen boys and girls and a young lady teacher.

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