Mr Unbelievable. Chris Kamara

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      JEFF: ‘Goal at Portsmouth, which way has it gone? Chris Kamara…’

      

      KAMMY: ‘He couldn’t hit the proverbial barn door last season, he didn’t know where the goals were, but he certainly knows where they are now. It’s Benjani for Portsmouth. It was so, so simple. Utaka took the ball down the left-hand side, looked up and saw Benjani in the middle and just put it on a plate for him inside the six-yard box. One-nil to Portsmouth.’

      JEFF: ‘I almost bought that when I was down in Portsmouth last season. Saw it advertised. One barn door, barely used.’

      

       GOAL! 2–0

      KAMMY: ‘Unbelievable stuff here, Jeff, I’m telling you. I told you already last season, from a yard out, he couldn’t hit a barn door with a banjo. Now he is absolutely on fire. He just picked up the ball in midfield, he ran past Shorey, he ran past Ingimarsson, he shifted the ball to the side of his right foot [I gave a drop of the shoulders for the benefit of the viewers at home] and then, bang! Away from Marcus Hahnemann, into the bottom corner. What an absolute beauty. Two-nil.’

      

       GOAL! 2–1

      KAMMY: ‘It’s amazing, Jeff. They’ve scored. They’ve scored! It’s amazing really because it’s their first decent attack. The assistant referee on this far side has given the goal. He is certain that the ball from Rosenior crossed the line. I am not as certain as he is. I’ll have to see it again in the morning. Certainly Kitson and Hunt were trying to claim it and the assistant flagged when Rosenior shot. Two–one.’

      

       GOAL! 2–2

      KAMMY: ‘That goal has given Reading renewed vigour. They have come out in the second half and they are a different team totally. But David James, hang your head in shame. What are you doing? He has come chasing out his box for a ball that’s virtually in the right-back position, Jeff, and he doesn’t get there. Kitson does, James leaves the goal gaping and Kitson has enough quality in that left foot of his to ping it and guide it into the bottom corner of the net. Two–two.’

      

       GOAL! 3–2

      JEFF: ‘Fratton Park is not a place for people of a nervous disposition. Chris Kamara…’

      

      KAMMY: ‘Jeff, unbelievable. I have to say, what a game this is. Magnificent. But who’d be a goalkeeper? Sylvain Distin goes down the left-hand side, crosses the ball into the box, Marcus Hahnemann comes out like Superman – only difference is, Superman gets the job done. Marcus Hahnemann doesn’t get the job done [cue: laughter in the studio]. Hermann Hreidarsson gets to the ball before him and the net is gaping. It’s in the back of the net off the top of his head. Three–two.’

      

       MISSED PENALTY!

      JEFF: ‘Penalty at Fratton Park. Chris Kamara!’

      

      KAMMY: ‘Yeah! Thanks for coming to… I’ve been screaming at you for five minutes. Papa Bouba Diop [the penalty kick is taken behind me. Pompey keeper David James saves] … he’s given away a penalty, Nick Shorey has just taken it and what a save from David James. He’s made up for his error, he’s dived to the left-hand side, he’s grasped the ball, it’s bounced off his hands after he got hold of it, it squirmed away and there was Hreidarsson to kick it away. Papa Bouba Diop should be going for a bath right now because it was a ridiculous penalty, he just handled the ball for no reason. Still three–two.’

      

       GOAL! 4–2

      JEFF: ‘Only one word for it, Chris…’

      

      KAMMY: ‘Well and truly buried the banjo. That’s four words, innit? [well, actually, that’s six]. Unbelievable, Jeff! One on one with Benjani and he just strolls past Marcus Hahnemann like he does it every week. There’s the hat-trick, there’s the ball in the bag and there’s the game in the bag for Pompey. Four–two.’

      

       GOAL! 5–2

      KAMMY: ‘They are absolutely running riot, Jeff! Reading have just thrown the towel in [I throw an imaginary towel to my left to emphasise the point. More laughter]. It’s Niko Kranjcar. Portsmouth were showboating down the right, the cross came in from Sean Davis and Kranjcar had no right to get the ball, but he did. Five–two.’

      

       GOAL! 5–3

      KAMMY: ‘Incredible. You have to admire their resilience because they have come back. It’s James Harper this time with a volley from 16 yards. Bang! David James didn’t see it. Five–three.’

      

       GOAL! 6–3

      JEFF: ‘There has been an … it is a rugby score now, isn’t it? Chris Kamara.’

      

      KAMMY: ‘Unbelievable, Jeff. Ha Ha. It’s amazing. It’s raining goals, as they say. This time it’s Sean Davis with a speculative shot from 30 yards which took a slight deflection and sent Marcus Hahnemann the wrong way. What a game. What a game! Six–three.’

      

       PENALTY!

      KAMMY: ‘Benjani has gone off the pitch, he got a standing ovation. It is Sunny Muntari with the penalty…’

      

       GOAL! 7–3

      KAMMY: ‘And they have scored again, Portsmouth. There were five players fighting over the ball, Muntari got it first, Kranjcar was the player brought down. And I have lost the score, Jeff! What is it?’

      

       GOAL! 7–4

      JEFF: ‘There has been another – I know you’re going to find this hard to believe – there has been another goal at Fratton Park. Chris Kamara…’

      

      KAMMY: ‘Jeff. Reading have scored, Nicky Shorey has just plundered one in from about 20 yards. It took a deflection off Sol Campbell. I can’t believe it. I honestly can’t believe it!’

      

      JEFF: ‘Kammy is the only person who hasn’t scored. Referee Mark Halsey must have writer’s cramp by now. Goodness me. Phew. What a game.’

      

      Indeed, what a game it was, one of those rare games that make me realise I should have stopped gaping out of that school window at the football pitches back in Middlesbrough and СКАЧАТЬ