Mhairi McFarlane 3-Book Collection: You Had Me at Hello, Here’s Looking at You and It’s Not Me, It’s You. Mhairi McFarlane

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СКАЧАТЬ worry, you don’t have to tell me.’

      ‘No, no. Er. OK-ish. Bit routine. Usually Rhys after a night out with the lads, crawling into bed smelling of fags he wasn’t supposed to smoke any more, whispering “Would you be adverse to a cocking?”. ’Course I’d say “The word is averse.”’

      ‘Oh, great,’ Caroline rolls her eyes.

      ‘We’ve separated,’ I remind her.

      ‘I know! That’s what I was eye-rolling about. The split-up couple were doing it more than me and Gray.’

      ‘Caroline, Rhys and I did not split up because of sex, or the lack of it.’

      ‘I know.’ She picks at the cuff of her floppy, fine-knit jumper. ‘Lately Gray has the sex drive of a panda.’

      ‘Is that a lot? Or not?’

      ‘Well, zoos fly in dates for them from China and it’s on the news when they get one of them pregnant. Whaddayouthink?’

      ‘Ah. Right. Well these things ebb and flow, it’ll come back.’

      She nods, grabs another olive. We’re interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. I welcome Mindy and Ivor and pour them a glass each, too.

      ‘To Rachel’s new start,’ Mindy toasts, and as we clink glasses I’m reminded of a similar toast to Ben and Olivia.

      Since meeting Olivia, I’ve barely dwelt on how much I envy her. Not because I don’t envy her, but if I started, I’d never stop. I’d curl in on myself like those magic fish you get as cracker gifts, or corrode like limestone in a hail of acid rain. Although it’s a shame she’s not got a better sense of humour, since Ben has a good sense of humour all of the time. When Lucy was wittering that her son might have ADHD, Simon said ‘Can he sell me some? Street price?’ and Ben and I cracked up; Olivia only wrinkled her delightful nose. I think Ben should’ve held out for delightful nose and a funny bone.

      Although everyone has to have one more glass of wine than I intended, lunch is eventually ready, even edible, and by putting the serving dishes on the counter we all fit round Rupa’s tiny Shaker table.

      ‘Tell us about the date, Mind,’ I prompt, once all plates are full.

      ‘It was fun, yeah,’ she says. ‘We’re going to try that new restaurant on Deansgate on Thursday. Jake’s doing an MA in international business so we talked shop a lot.’

      ‘Maybe you can give him a Saturday job?’ Ivor says.

      ‘At least I’ve got a date, Ivor, whether he remembers John Major’s government or not.’

      Ivor grunts at this and helps himself to another potato.

      ‘Ooh, how did the dinner party go?’ Caroline asks me.

      ‘Fine, yeah. I’m out of practice at all that show-and-tell malarkey, but I think I muddled my way through.’

      ‘So, come on, what’s Ben’s wife like?’

      ‘Beautiful …’ I say.

      ‘Naturally,’ Caroline says.

      Yeah not all natural, she looks like she goes down the electric beach to catch those blue rays, I think, before I can squash the thought.

      ‘… And nice. I didn’t get to talk to her much, they had some friends there. They were good at doing the talking.’

      I briefly relate the baby discussion, among other things.

      ‘Ben’s wife asked you if you wanted babies?’ Mindy asks.

      ‘Yes.’

      ‘That’s offside.’

      ‘Is it?’

      ‘Yeah, you don’t say that to someone who’s split up with their fiancé, do you? Supposing you had gynae issues or something and that was behind the whole break-up?’

      Ivor makes a stifled groan.

      ‘What?’ Mindy demands. ‘I’m serious. What if Rach had said “My insides are all wrong”? “I’ve got an incompetent cervix”? What would they have done then?’

      I nearly spit my Brussels sprout out.

      ‘They’d wish very much she hadn’t said it, like I wish you hadn’t?’ Ivor says.

      ‘An incompetent cervix is a thing, my aunt had it! When she had my cousin Ruksheen. Had to be in bed for, like, three months. So not worth the trauma, I tell you. Ruksheen’s a grotty skank.’

      ‘Amazing,’ Ivor says.

      ‘What?’

      ‘Rachel’s dinner party to a family member’s fanny in one smooth move.’

      ‘Thanks for your concern,’ I tell her, once my laughter subsides.

      ‘People take advantage of your sense of humour,’ Mindy says, staunchly.

      ‘How’re you?’ I ask Ivor.

      ‘OK thanks. Katya’s finally going, she’s handed me her notice. Travelling in South America, off by the end of the month.’

      ‘Ding dong, the vegan witch is dead,’ Mindy says, smoothing her peacock-blue skirt over her legs.

      ‘Ah, she’s not that bad really,’ Ivor says, rubbing an eye.

      ‘Oh Ivor!’ Mindy wails. ‘How often have we heard Katya this, Katya that? “Katya threw my Peperamis in the bin!” “Katya nailed an African fertility symbol to my wall and made big holes in the plaster!” “Katya made me watch a PETA video about ocelot farming and I couldn’t sleep for a week!”’

      ‘I don’t think I said it was a week,’ Ivor says, glancing at Caroline and myself.

      ‘Now she’s going, it’s “she’s not that bad really”. You’re such a wuss.’

      ‘All I’m saying is, she’s easier to tolerate with an end in sight.’

      ‘That end could’ve come sooner if—’ Mindy breaks off as Ivor mimes a sock-puppet talking movement with one hand.

      ‘Are you going to be seeing more of Ben and his wife then?’ Caroline turns to me.

      Difficult question. It’s time to play the ace.

      ‘Maybe. I’ve got a date with Simon.’

      ‘Simon that I met?’

      ‘Yep. Lawyer friend of Ben,’ I add, for Mindy and Ivor’s benefit.

      ‘That’s great! What brought about this change of heart?’ Caroline asks, almost putting her cutlery down in surprise.

      I СКАЧАТЬ