Can I Let You Go?: Part 2 of 3: A heartbreaking true story of love, loss and moving on. Cathy Glass

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СКАЧАТЬ of care for much of their childhood, Lucy had craved a normal family life, which of course she had now with us. That she was adopted was rarely mentioned, and she was as much a part of my family as if she’d been born to me. I couldn’t have loved her any more. But she remained sensitive to some issues from her past, and I needed to remember that.

      ‘I’m sorry,’ I said again. ‘It was thoughtless of me. It won’t happen again.’

      ‘OK,’ Lucy said, recovering. ‘You’re forgiven. Big hugs.’ She spread her arms wide.

      I hugged her and held her close. ‘I love you so much. You know that, don’t you?’

      ‘Yes. I love you too.’

      ‘But, Lucy, you need to be prepared for the possibility that Faye might mention adoption again or want to talk about birth mothers. She doesn’t understand what is appropriate, and I can’t tell her not to talk about these things when Becky and I have been encouraging her to talk.’

      ‘I know,’ Lucy said easily. ‘It’s fine, really. It was just a shock when she suddenly said, “My baby is being adopted like you are.”’

      ‘I can see that, but be prepared for the fact that she may say something similar. She won’t know it could upset you.’

      ‘I understand,’ Lucy said.

      Paula, Lucy, Adrian and Faye all came with me to visit my mother on Sunday, so there was a car full. Adrian sat in the front passenger seat for the extra leg-room and the three girls were in the back. The radio was on, but Lucy and Paula were plugged into their phones, either listening to music, texting or making and taking calls. I’d asked Faye if she wanted to bring her phone, but it didn’t hold the same appeal to her as it did for many young people who like to be in regular contact with their peers through social media. However, she did have Snuggles on her lap. Faye was looking forward to meeting my mother, and I’d telephoned Mum the evening before to check it was still all right for us all to descend on her, and if she wanted us to bring anything.

      ‘Just bring yourselves,’ she’d said, as she often did. Although of course we were taking her flowers and chocolates.

      ‘Do you have a grandpa?’ Faye asked as I drove. I’d told her that my father had died, but she must have forgotten. Thankfully Lucy and Paula hadn’t heard, as they had earphones in, but Adrian looked at me a little disconcerted.

      ‘No, love,’ I said to Faye. ‘Grandpa died recently.’ I glanced at her in the rear-view mirror.

      ‘That’s sad,’ she said, her face dropping. ‘I hope my grandpa and gran don’t die.’

      ‘I’m afraid we all have to die some time,’ I said. ‘But I’m sure it won’t be for a long time yet.’ I hoped Faye didn’t talk like that at Mum’s, as it could be upsetting for everyone. But as with Lucy’s adoption, I couldn’t give Faye a list of taboo subjects that she wasn’t to talk about. Much of the time she saw life through the eyes of a child and had their same lack of inhibitions. She said things as they were, and if her innocent remarks touched a nerve with us then it fell upon us to make allowances and accommodate them. It wasn’t Faye’s fault she could be tactless sometimes; it was part of her learning disability.

      I sensed the atmosphere in the car shift as I drew onto the drive at Mum’s house and cut the engine. It was still difficult arriving, aware that just Mum would be answering the door. Lucy and Paula took out their earphones and there was a sharp silence for a second when no one moved or spoke, before Faye said brightly, ‘Is this where your gran lives?’

      ‘Yes,’ I said.

      ‘Doesn’t she live in a flat?’

      ‘No, in this house.’

      ‘It’s a nice house,’ she said. Then she told Snuggles the house was nice and that Paula, Lucy and Adrian’s gran lived here, which lightened the atmosphere.

      Mum appeared at the front door – I guessed she’d been looking out for us – and we smiled and called hi as we got out of the car. As soon as Faye was out she ran to Mum. I looked over anxiously, concerned as to what she was going to do, but she just wanted to hug her, greeting her as she did her own grandparents. Mum looked a bit surprised. ‘Well, that’s a lovely hello,’ she said, returning the hug. ‘You must be Faye.’

      Faye beamed and stepped back. ‘Yes, I am Faye, and this is Snuggles.’

      I’d already told Mum about Snuggles.

      Faye went indoors as Mum hugged and kissed each of us in turn. As I gave Mum the flowers and chocolates I remembered how Dad used to joke to Mum, ‘The flowers are all yours and the chocolates are all mine.’ I smiled at the recollection.

      Indoors, I went with Mum into the kitchen to help her make hot drinks and put the flowers in water, while Lucy, Adrian and Paula showed Faye into the living room. The house was as it had always been. Mum hadn’t made any changes, other than removing Dad’s personal possessions from downstairs. His spare glasses, crossword book (he always had a crossword on the go), coat and umbrella were no longer in their usual places.

      We arranged a plate of biscuits and the drinks on a tray and I carried it into the living room, where I handed out the drinks while Mum offered the biscuits. Adrian was sitting in what had been Dad’s armchair and I was pleased; it seemed to be another little step towards coming to terms with Dad’s passing and making it a little easier for us all. We settled with our drinks and biscuits and Mum talked to Paula about college, to Adrian and Lucy about their jobs and to Faye about horses. I’d mentioned to Mum that Faye liked horses and Mum always made sure she included any child we were fostering in the conversations (as Dad had also done). ‘Cathy tells me you like to go horse riding,’ she said to Faye.

      ‘Yes,’ Faye said. ‘But I can’t go now, so Cathy takes me to see horses in a field.’

      ‘That’s nice,’ Mum said. ‘I think we might have been there.’

      ‘Yes, we have,’ I agreed.

      ‘I feed the horses grass,’ Faye said. ‘And I’ve given them all names.’ She told us some of the names she could remember.

      Once Adrian had finished his drink he said he’d go out and cut the grass. Mum began to protest, saying he hadn’t come here to work, but I said that Adrian liked to help and preferred to be doing something rather than sitting and chatting. Dad had been the same. Presently we saw Adrian through the patio windows, pushing the electric lawnmower up and down the grass. Lucy and Paula then went with Mum into the kitchen to help her prepare lunch. They often did. They loved spending time with their gran without me there and I respected that. I think grandchildren can have a special relationship with their grandparents, sharing and confiding in a way they wouldn’t necessarily do with their parents. The difference in age seems to close the generational gap, rather than widening it, and of course grandparents are generally relieved of any disciplining role, so they can more easily be the young person’s friend and confidant.

      I stayed with Faye in the living room while Lucy, Paula and Adrian were occupied, and I asked her if she’d like some books to look at, but she asked if Gran had any games like I had. I pulled over the upholstered footstool that doubled as a toy box and lifted the lid. Faye knelt beside me and began searching through it. She took out the box of dominoes, which she said she sometimes played at the day centre. She and I played a couple of games and then we helped lay the table for lunch, although it was СКАЧАТЬ