The Complete Parenting Collection. Steve Biddulph

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      The hunter-gatherer tradition continues to have a problematic legacy. In the developing world (where many people still live by agriculture), the men often do not work as hard as the women. Presumably they are waiting to fight someone or hunt something!

      The links between sex and aggression

      There is some support from primate studies for the idea that males with more power have higher sex drives. Men in sports teams that win have a higher testosterone level (after the game) than those who lose. And, according to historians, many great leaders (US President Kennedy, for instance) had very high sex drives, to a degree that was really rather tragic and disabling (it’s kind of hard to run a country when you want to keep racing off to have sex all the time).

      One study of juvenile delinquency in the 1980s found an intriguing connection – that boys were several times more likely to get into trouble with the police in the six months before their first sexual experience. In other words, they calmed down a bit once they started having sex. Since almost all boys masturbate at this age, it can’t just have been the release of sexual frustration. Perhaps the boys felt they had ‘joined the human race’ when they found a real-life lover; perhaps they felt more loved. (We don’t recommend this as a cure for crime, but it makes sense.)

      Sex and aggression are somewhat linked – controlled by the same centres in the brain and by the same hormone group. This has been the source of enormous human tragedy and suffering, inflicted via sexual assaults on women, children and men. Because of this connection, it is very important that boys are helped to relate to women as people, to have empathy and to learn to be good lovers.

      Blaming hormones is never an excuse for male aggression; and it’s vital that we separate the stimuli of violence from the stimuli of sex. We shouldn’t really make or show movies that link the two. The rape-revenge plot of many B-grade movies is a bad connection to make. Most pornography in fact is pretty dismal role-modelling for good relating or sensitive and joyous loving. Where are the movie depictions of tender, sensuous, playful and boisterous lovemaking, with plots that include conversation, sharing and vulnerability, so that mid-adolescent boys can learn a fuller kind of sexuality?

      Even adult men can get the wrong idea. A matchmaking agency recently had to counsel a man in his sixties who was being far too sexually forward on ‘dates’ that the agency arranged. The man, a very gentle and considerate farmer (widowed two years earlier), had researched copies of Cosmopolitan magazine to find out what today’s women liked, and was acting accordingly!

      Overcoming sexual violence probably starts younger still. It may just come down to treating children more kindly. Raymond Wyre, a British expert on working with men who sexually abuse children, found in his work that while not every sex offender had been the victim of sexual assault (though many had), everyone without exception had been the recipient of a very cruel and uncaring childhood. It was the lack of empathy, resulting from never having been shown consistent understanding and kindness, that he felt was the key factor in someone being able to sexually assault another human being.

      Guiding the ‘high-drive’ boys

      Testosterone provides energy and focus. A boy with high levels of the hormone makes good leadership material. Early in the school year, teachers often notice a certain kind of boy who will either become a hero of the class or a complete villain. For this boy there is no middle ground. This type of boy stands out by his:

       challenging behaviour and competitiveness

       greater physical maturity, and

       high energy levels.

      If the teacher is able to befriend such a boy and direct his energies in good ways, the boy will thrive and be a plus in the school. If the teacher or parent ignores, backs off or is negative towards the boy, then the boy’s pride will depend on defeating the adult, and problems will compound. These boys have leadership potential, but leadership has to be taught from an early age.

      IN A NUTSHELL

       Testosterone in varying degrees affects every boy. It gives him growth spurts, makes him want to be active, and makes him competitive and in need of strong guidelines and a safe, ordered environment.

       It triggers significant changes:- at four – into activity and boyishness- at thirteen – into rapid growth and disorientation, and- at fourteen – into testing limits and breaking through to early manhood.

       The boy with testosterone in his bloodstream likes to know who is the boss, but also must be treated fairly. Bad environments bring out the worst in him. The boy with lots of testosterone needs special help to develop leadership qualities and to channel his energies in good ways.

       A boy needs to learn empathy and feeling, and be shown tenderness if he is to be a sexually caring being.

       Some girls have a lot of testosterone but, on the whole, it’s a boy thing – and it needs our understanding, not blame or ridicule. Testosterone equals vitality, and it’s our job to honour it and steer it in healthy directions.

       Chapter 4 How boys’ and girls’ brains differ

      Twenty years ago, we rarely acknowledged differences in the brains of boys and girls, for fear this would imply gender inequality. Today we know that there are numerous differences, and by understanding these, we can build on boys’ and girls’ strengths and address their weaknesses, so both can be the best they can. For parents this can be a real revelation.

      A miracle of growth

      The brain of a baby in the womb grows very rapidly, developing in a month or two from just a few cells into one of the most complex structures in nature. By the sixth month of pregnancy, a foetus has impressive abilities, all controlled by its brain – such as recognising your voice, responding to movements, even kicking back when prodded! It can be seen with ultrasound to be actually moving its mouth as if it is singing in the womb.

      At birth the brain is still only partially formed and only a third of its eventual size. It takes a long time СКАЧАТЬ