The Accursed. Joyce Carol Oates

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СКАЧАТЬ like all of his kin. Horace murmurs only, in response to my teasing inquiries, “Nothing is wrong, dear Adelaide, that would concern you”—and so the matter rests; for Horace would shield his Puss from all wickedness, as he has—beloved husband!—for the fourteen years of our union.

      _____ . (My handsome curly-mustach’d husband could never guess, in his innocence, how wicked his Puss is, in her heart; how bold & daring & untrammeled her thoughts!)

      _____ . An afternoon of tea & tarts & luscious mocha trifles. Yet how dull, when Puss craved only to hear news of the UNSPEAKABLE in our midst, of which ladies are not supposed to know; & the chatter was all of prune-face Dr. Wilson & glad-hander Andrew West quarreling in their silly Teacup. I know, I am considered “rude”—at the very least, “irreverent”—scarcely disguising a yawn at the L E N T I S S I M O of Mrs. FitzRandolph’s gossip; & Cousin Wilhelmina, that overgrown child, shot me a glance of mischievous sympathy while her mother droned on & on accounting of who is for Dr. Lantern-Jaw Wilson & who for Dean Sixty-Two-Around-the-Vest West among the board of trustees; for it suddenly seems, the entire town is divided. Trustees & alumni of the university & powerful widows & of course the Clevelands with their considerable weight (Grover is chair of the board, & it is said strongly favors West), etcetera! Puss consoled herself by eating a half-dozen of the mocha trifles, with dollops of extra cream—which had the effect of making me quite ill that evening, as I should have known. But ah!—what measures Puss will take, out of exquisite B O R E D O M.

      _____ . It is teasingly unclear: the UNSPEAKABLE seems to have involved one of our most distinguished West End households!

      So cruel & frustrating, no more details are yet reveal’d.

      _____ . & another UNSPEAKABLE incident has been hinted-at: this, involving ex-President Cleveland who somehow came to be, so very mysteriously, at the old Craven house on Rosedale Road, in a company of individuals including many of the Winslow Slade family—thus, our leading citizens; a gathering that must have had something to do with the upcoming Slade-Bayard nuptials. But Horace quite disappointed, he seems sincerely to know nothing of this incident which took place only last Sunday.

      _____ . Dr. Boudinot comes to visit. In the wake of the mocha trifles such gastric distress, & 18 hrs. malaise, Death is preferable.

      Doctor must be fetched by motorcar. Yet another medication is prescribed for Puss. She has not had a clear head in 14 yrs.

      This new medication in the form of chalky pills is fetched from the Princeton pharmacy by Abraham: the most coal-black of boys, new on our staff, related to our cook & housekeeper Minnie. At least, I think they are related. I think these are their ridiculous names.

      _____ . On Mother Burr’s silken chaise longue Puss lies innocent & breathless shivering in her Vale-of-Kashmir shawl & thinking secret thoughts to annihilate all of Princeton! Would Satan come to Maidstone House, if summoned? What are the “black rituals” required, to summon such a fellow? Would punishments—i.e., small humiliations—wreaked upon Puss’s Princeton enemies be a sufficient reason, for Puss to “sell” her soul?

      _____ . Cousin Wilhelmina! How I wish that she would confide in me, as to an older cousin; speak to me of the (anguished?) secrets of her life; for I believe that “Willy” is grievously in love with Josiah Slade, as other girls & women in Princeton are said to be.

      Has Josiah Slade cast the girl a second glance? Except she is the friend of his sister Annabel? One doubts it!

      But Willy is so impetuously young, she & the exquisite Annabel who are such fast friends, since they were schoolgirls; I do envy them!

      I fear that, in their eyes, I am old—older than they; no matter that Puss’s face is unlined & eyes brightly dark & quick; & skin always a little fevered, & breath quickened; & my smile that of a slyboots little girl all dimples—the smile that pierces Horace’s heart, as he says. And my hair remains fine & light as smoke lifting about my head—though thinner than when I was a girl—a very pretty light brown threaded with red hairs—& if there be uglier gray hairs of a coarse texture, my maid Hannah has become skilled at henna rinse; & dear Horace, like all husbands, is none the wiser.

      Do you still love your poor little Puss—so I asked Horace yesterday at dusk, shivering against his vest—or would you wish for a stronger wife, a huskier Juno of a wife like Frances Cleveland? To which wistful query Horace replied with but a kiss on my warm brow.

      _____ . In secret Puss devours The Secret Doctrine of Madame Helena Blavatsky. Tho’ the prose is obscure & difficult of access as a thorn-chok’d garden. & much is forgotten, in the course of a single page.

      Yet: Puss so longs for comrades in Theosophy! Individuals courageous enough to brave such truths of the Occult Science (as it is called: for it is a Science). But—we are all Presbyterians & Episcopalians here; the most radical among us, Unitarians!

      The Theosophical Society of America has its headquarters in Manhattan, at Gramercy Park. Meetings are held there to which only invitees are allowed. My heart gives a leap, I am so hopeful—for I believe only the Theosophists can comprehend my desire, for a world of the spirit to which only the very special have access, through superiority of Intellect & Striving.

      Yet a little child shall lead ye—is not a teaching of the Theosophists!

      (If only Puss were not a pathetic invalid, & might journey by motorcar!—yet Horace would disapprove.)

      (All of the Burrs & the McLeans would disapprove for they are but narrow-minded provincials, at whom Madame Blavatsky would laugh in scorn.)

      Madame Blavatsky has said THERE IS NO RELIGION HIGHER THAN TRUTH.

      Madame Blavatsky has promised WE SHALL PASS TO OUR ETHERIC BODIES WHEN THE THIRD EYE IS OPENED GRANTING SPIRITUAL SIGHT.

      Madame Blavatsky has promised A GUARDIAN DEVI (ANGEL) WATCHES OVER US IF WE ASCEND TO A HIGHER PLANE.

      To which Puss adds a fervent AMEN.

      _____ . More of Cousin Willy. I think there is some fever’d secret in her.

      I am not able to judge if Wilhelmina at age twenty is handsome as some say or as others say too blunt-jawed, her face “hearty” & high-colored in a way not befitting a lady. I wish we might be friends. But she is young, & keeps her distance; less frequently comes to tea at Maidstone with her mother & aunt; or, if she is here, casts a dreamy eye on us all, as if her thoughts were elsewhere; is drawn into talk of the upcoming wedding of course, for she is Annabel’s maid of honor, indeed a singular honor here in Princeton; for the Slade-Bayard nuptials will be the great social event of the season.

      Yet, Wilhelmina has hopes to enroll in the New York School of Art, to study with the renowned painter Robert Henri. No sooner speaking of this wish than her mother interrupts to chide her, the daily commuting trip would be exhausting, by rail; & Wilhelmina’s father would never consent to her living in the city; so, the notion is absurd.

      So, the blushing girl is silenced & blinks tears (of rage?) from her stark brown eyes. Dear Willy is brash & forthright & I find that I cannot dislike her, as a girl who might have been my closest friend, at the Girls’ Academy; when I was the happiest of girls, I believe; & somewhat the most mischievous. Willy wore a most striking costume—a white pique skirt, smartly starched; a white cotton blouse, with puff sleeves & tight cuffs; a dark-striped jacket to accentuate the length of her СКАЧАТЬ