The End Specialist. Drew Magary

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      Dedication

      To my wife and children

      Epigraph

      I was standing staring at the world. And I still can’t see it.

      —Mastodon, 2009

      Contents

       Cover

       Title Page

      Dedication

      Epigraph

      THE END SPECIALIST

      A Note About The Text From The Department Of Containment, United North American Territories

      I - Prohibition: June 2019

      “Immortality Will Kill Us All”

      “Death Is The Only Thing Keeping Us In Line”

      “I’m Always Gonna Get My Period”

      “Cake-Batter Mixes Are One Of The Great Food Innovations Of The Past Sixty Years”

      The Woman In The Elevator

      “You Realize You Can Never Retire Now, Right?”

      “The Conservative Case For Legalizing The Cure”

      “They’re All Getting Divorced”

      “I Never Thought I Had The Luxury Of Time—Now It’s All I’m Gonna Have”

      At The Protests

      “A Little Bit Of Bloodshed Now Or A Lot Later On”

      “How Could You Be So Dumb?”

      DC Apparently Stands For “Don’t Come”

      A Blonde Everywhere I Turn

      The Worst Since Kent State

      “One Infinite Generation”

      “The Floodgates Are Wide Open”

      II - Spread: June 2029 (Ten Years Later)

      Photo No. 3,650

      “You Said You’d Love Me Forever”

      I Seek The Grail

      Field Trip: The Fountain Of Youth

      A Day In The Life Of A Terra Troll

      Afternoon Link Roundup

      “I’ve Made A Terrible Mistake”

      The Truth About China

      The Back Of The Ambulance

      Afternoon Link Roundup

      Confessions Of A Nonstockpiler

      What Do We Do With Baby Emilia?

      “He Looks Just Like You”

      The Man Who Will Live Everywhere

      “Warmest Greetings From The Church Of Man!”

      “We’ll See You Again”

      XMN Was Right

      “Does It Hurt?”

      “Yeah, That’s One Of Them”

      “Did You Know That Cigarettes Have Almond Oil In Them?”

      When They Tell You Not To Mess With Texas, They Mean It

      “I’m Not Even Sure This Is A Marriage Anymore”

      “I Don’t Know If Anyone Will Ever Get Married Again”

      Afternoon Link Roundup

      “This Is Good”

      Home Cure?

      “Look At Me”

      III - Saturation: March 2059 (Twenty-Eight Years Later)

      “The Cure For The Cure”

      The Hippie In The Graveyard

      What They’re Saying About End Specialization

      A Few Minutes With The Worst Domestic Terrorist In American History

      Exit Interview: Edgar Duchamp

      “You Look Just Like Me”

      Alison On Stage

      “You Get Six Shots”

      A Field Trip To The McLean Community Friends Church Of Man

      “We’re Going To Take What We Need To Survive—And Then Maybe We’ll Take A Little More”

      My Cure Day Surprise

      “They Can’t Do Anything To Us”

      “Let It Overwhelm Me”

      “The Cure For Everything Else”

      “They Don’t Think This Is The End Of It”

      “They Just Can’t Help Themselves”

      “Wait Over There”

      “You’re A Real End Specialist Now”

      That Was My Hospital

      There Is Nothing Left To Lose

      IV - Correction: June 2079 (Twenty Years Later)

      “We Weren’t Afraid To Love Her Like Our Own”

      Today’s Insurgent

      The Girl In The Marketplace

      The Sweep

      The Birthday Girl

      “They wouldn’t stop eating”

      “This Is The Next Logical Step”

      “A Very Urgent Feeling”

      An Unwelcome Dawn

      The Human Wave

      Outtakes