The Devious Book for Cats: Cats have nine lives. Shouldn’t they be lived to the fullest?. Литагент HarperCollins USD

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СКАЧАТЬ pussycats hereby decree that in order to maintain tranquillity and harmony in the relations betwixt cat and human, it is resolved and ordained that cats shall be accorded these basic rights when being stroked, scratched or snuggled.

      

      Article I: When ye shall walk within reaching distance of a human, said human is commanded to pet even if she clutch a grocery bag or race to extinguish a fire in the chip pan. Should ye be occupying a stair in the middle of the staircase, ye must at minimum be accorded a quick skritch before being stepped over. Upon a head-butt or figure of eight through a human’s legs, ye shall be petted in many varieties until ye be satisfied or become distracted by a thimble or an object of similar interest.

      Article II: Scratches behind the ears and neck shall at all times be dictated by random turns of thy head, and the human’s hand shall migrate accordingly.

      Article III: If thy belly be exposed, thy belly must be rubbed, except should ye be violently averse to having thy belly rubbed and take a swipe at the human, then thy belly should most definitely be left alone.

      Article IV: Aye, shall ye be scratched right in that sweet spot by the tail!

      Article V: Shall ye rest upon a lap, ye must be provided with a bounty of strokes and scratches, which shall include, without limitation, thy ears and face, back and tail, and for a time that ye shall determine. Nay, no potboiler, nor loom, nor cross-stitch sampler shall come in the way of a cat’s rights in these regards.

      Article VI: Ye shall indicate petting is complete by wandering hither or jumping forth from a lap. However, shall ye take a bite of the hand, a swipe at the arm or a full-on madeyed lunge at the human’s face, this, too, shall indicate that all further petting activities must cease. Ye shall not be punished, and the human should very well know what she did wrong.

      The ratification of the assembly of these cats, whose exact number is not determined as they oft wandered in and out of the Hall, shall be sufficient for the establishment of these Laws between humans and cats so ratifying the same.

      

      Though no humans were invited to the Assembly, these Laws they are duly bound to uphold.

      

      Later these Laws were amended, and the subjects of these amendments highlight the impassioned debates that came with great changes in our society throughout history.

      

      1st Amendment: Belly rubs may not be used as a sneaky ploy to clip tummy dreadlocks.

      2nd Amendment: Cat brushes may hereby be used in place of hands so long as we be allowed to chase and consume the chunks of fur that may float into the air.

      3rd Amendment: Grooming gloves are terrifying and are hereby prohibited.

      4th Amendment: All female humans shall hereby have those amazing new scratchy things called acrylic nails applied and they shall pretend these nails are racing cars on our backs.

      5th Amendment: After having finally tried one, we hereby repeal the 3rd Amendment.

      6th Amendment: The rights accorded in Article V are hereby declared extended so that these, too, shall not infringe on a cat’s rights described therein: Heat magazine, microwave timer, reality-programme final, phone call from ex-boyfriend or online game of Scrabble.

       Secrets of Daredevil Cats

      Cats aren’t shy about risking life and limb in pursuit of thrills. One day it’s a blink-of-an-eye stunt, taking you from the couch to the coffee table, off a chair and onto a wheeled footrest that skids across the room. The next, it’s a headline-grabbing leap out the window of a high-rise building. Either way, you are awarded the awestruck admiration accorded all audacious cats.

      But have you ever asked yourself how we physically and mentally pull off such amazing feats? What is it that makes us capable of walking out on the ledge, walking off said ledge and living to revel in glory?

      

       1 – Fear of Heights? Ha!

      No cat afraid of extreme heights is much of a daredevil. Humans have named our ability to stay poised at such elevations ‘High-Rise Syndrome’. We just call it ‘Walking Around’. Thinking we might hurt ourselves, humans try to protect us against our ‘overconfidence’ with respect to lofty perches. It’s always hilarious to be called ‘overconfident’ by a human.

      2 – Right Every Time

      Why does a cat always land on its feet? One answer is rooted in physics, which requires understanding concepts of rotational motion. It’s much easier just to talk about the Righting Reflex, which is fun to say over and over. The Righting Reflex is what allows us to orient our bodies to keep from tumbling through the air while falling. It is performed by bending at the middle so that the front half of the body rotates on an axis opposite to the rear half. The front legs come around first, then the rear. Everything is as it should be as we streak towards the ground for a perfect landing.

       3 – No Collarbone? No Problem

      Cats do have clavicles but they are non-functional, a chief reason we’re able to perform the neat trick of squeezing through impossibly tight spaces. It also isn’t a bad thing when you’re landing from a fall. Evel Knievel had two collarbones and broke them both.

      4 – Cats Have a Non-Fatal Terminal Velocity

      A falling cat cannot exceed 60 mph. This is an important reason we’re able to survive long falls. Small size, light bone structure and a coat of fur all help keep our terminal velocity low. By comparison, a human’s terminal velocity is 130 mph. When it comes to walking away from a multistorey landing, bigger is definitely not better.

      5 – Inability to Feel Regret

      Regret is not a feeling cats have to deal with, and that little fact frees us to do some frankly crazy things. Without having to regret a decision, we’re always able to go for it!

       Wake Up!

      You’re winding down from a long night of diving across the hall after a coat button. Now the sun is coming up and you could do with a little snack. But that bacon-grease-filled pan you were counting on is gone from the hob. And no matter how hard you look, there aren’t any food nuggets hiding under your dish. Actually, the more you think about it, you aren’t just peckish, you are STARVING! Literally wasting away before no one’s eyes! Where is your person? How can she be contentedly bundled under a pile of blankets, drooling and snoring? Doesn’t she know you could die of hunger any second?

      If you could feed yourself, you would, but frankly it is impossible. Your person purchased a tin-opener designed in a discriminatory manner so as not to accommodate paws. СКАЧАТЬ