Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know. Barbara Angelis De
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Название: Secrets About Men Every Woman Should Know
Автор: Barbara Angelis De
Издательство: HarperCollins
Жанр: Общая психология
isbn: 9780007384730
isbn:
So here we are, modern women, telling the men in our lives that the characteristics they’ve worked so hard to cultivate are the very ones that drive us crazy and turn us off; and that the characteristics we really want to see them develop are the ones they have been taught to see as “weak” and “unmanly” and have fought so hard to avoid. When you think about it this way, it’s a lot easier to understand why men seem to resist changing, why they feel that we’re pressuring them unfairly, why they appear to be so bad at simple relationship skills that are so simple for us.
We expect men to be competent in skills for which they have absolutely no training – the very skills, it so happens, that women are best at – the ability to express emotion, to be intimate, to nurture, and to love
Over the past ten years I’ve worked with thousands of men, and I can assure you that men do want to open up, to learn to fell deeply and express those feelings to the women they love. But the process is a difficult, even frightening one for them, and I hope that, after reading this chapter, you can understand why. The men in your life need all of the compassion, patience, and support you can find in your heart, to help them open theirs.
The Chinese curse at the beginning of this chapter states: “May you live in changing times,” and these times are certainly changing. The old ways of living and loving don’t work anymore, and we still haven’t figured out the new ways. In the meantime we’re still trying to have relationships, and we’re experiencing a lot of disappointment and confusion in the process. But the challenge of change lies in the incredible opportunity it offers us for new levels of wisdom and new heights of personal growth. This book is dedicated to helping you turn your challenges with men into exciting new adventures in loving.
2 The Six Biggest Mistakes Women Make with Men
Do you ever suspect that everything you’ve been taught about how to behave with men is wrong?
Do you ever do something you are sure will please a man, and feel shocked when he reacts to it so negatively?
Do you ever feel that you must have received, a bad set of “instructions” for how to successfully relate to men, because nothing you try seems to work the way it’s supposed to?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re not alone. I’ve worked with thousands of women in my seminars and support groups, and most of them knew that there was something very wrong in the way they related to men but weren’t sure what was wrong or how to change it. Part of improving your relationship with a man, whether it’s your husband, your boss, your boyfriend, your father, or your coworker, is not just understanding his behavior but taking an honest look at your own behavior as well.
How Healthy Are Your Relationships with Men?
Here’s a quiz designed to reveal the strengths and weaknesses in your relationships with the men in your life. For each question, select one of the following responses:
1 Almost always
2 Frequently
3 Occasionally
4 Rarely
5 Almost never
Answer each question as honestly as you can, choosing the response that applies to you most of the time. That means, don’t answer based on how you know you should behave, but on how you usually behave.
1 When I’m around a man I really like or am attracted to, I lose part of myself by censoring my communications, seeking approval, sacrificing my needs, or becoming much more self-conscious.
2 I find myself feeling responsible for the men in my life, and making sure they get done what they need to.
3 I allow men to get away with treating me in ways I’d never tolerate being treated by a woman.
4 I use my sexuality to get my way with men by flirting, teasing, using body language, etc.
5 I allow my fear of how a man might react to prevent me from doing what I want to do or saying what I really feel around him.
6 I feel resentful toward men for things they’ve done to me in the past, or for how they treat me now.
7 I act helpless, overwhelmed, or confused around men to get love or attention or to avoid dealing with their anger toward me.
8 I feel I receive all the respect and appreciation I deserve from the men in my life.
9 I always ask for what I want and need from the men I care about.
10 When I’m around powerful men (boss, Dad, authority figures), I feel relaxed and confident in myself. I don’t alter my behavior so that I appear either unusually pushy and aggressive or unusually timid.
Now, add up your total score. For questions 1 through 7, give yourself the following points:
A: 2 points
B: 4 points
C: 6 points
D: 8 points
E: 10 points
For questions 8 through 10, give yourself the following points:
A: 10 points
B: 8 points
C: 6 points
D: 4 points
E: 2 points
80-100 points: CONGRATULATIONS! Your hard work on yourself and your relationships has paid off, and you’ve learned how to be a powerful yet loving woman with the men in your life. You maintain a strong sense of yourself even when you’re around men who are important to you, and you know that good communication is essential for creating healthy and lasting relationships. To avoid future problems, work on those areas in which you had a lower score.
60-79 points: YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH MEN AREN’T BAD, BUT THEY COULD BE A LOT BETTER. Most women fall into this category. There are some warning signs you need to pay attention to, so that in time bigger problems don’t erupt. Work on expressing yourself and your needs more completely, and avoid the six mistakes women make with men, discussed later in this chapter. You deserve much more love than you’ve been asking for.
40-59 points: YOUR RELATIONSHIPS СКАЧАТЬ