Mr Starlight. Laurie Graham

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СКАЧАТЬ the Midships Bar so he got a stripping down from Massie about doing what he was paid to do and not a note more. They started trying to needle him in the mess room too, calling him Sally instead of Sel.

      ‘Sally, Sally, don’t ever wander,’ they’d sing, hoping to aggravate Mother into grabbing a knife again.

      On Channel night I went looking for Hazel before we started the show in the Veranda Grill. She was working on a silk blouse with a piece of tissue paper, trying to get a water mark off it.

      I said, ‘Well, have you made your mind up? What’s it to be? Coming ashore with me or sleeping your life away?’

      ‘I don’t drink, mind,’ she said.

      I said, ‘That’s all right. You can have a port and lemonade.’

      ‘Cled,’ she said, ‘invite Sel to come with us. He seems very down in the dumps.’

      We had a nice crowd in for Gala Night. Tex got in a bit of a tangle with ‘Fascinating Rhythm’ but nobody appeared to notice and Tex couldn’t have cared less. He knew Sel outshone him. I think he was just vamping until something else came along; a rich widow looking for companionship, or death from strong drink. It’s only when you’re on the up that you care how highly you’re rated. The downward slide is the downward slide wherever you are on it.

      I said to Sel, ‘Me and Hazel are going to the Imperial for afternoon tea after we’ve docked, but I don’t suppose you feel like coming with us?’

      ‘Yeah, all right then,’ he said. ‘Keep an eye on you, you old goat.’

      The ladies always liked him, laughing at his silly jokes, telling him all their business. Not that he ever had a lot to show for it. I was the one who got results.

      ‘Hazel,’ he said, ‘I want to pick your brain. What’s the best thing for my patent leather shoes?’

      ‘Vaseline,’ she said.

      He said, ‘And what about the black satin on my revers?’

      ‘Potato water.’

      ‘This woman’, he said, ‘is a treasure.’

      He was holding her hand.

      ‘Now what about old Chufty Auchtermuchty? I was watching him during the cocktail hour. He looks like a man who doesn’t always know where his mouth is. You been removing stains for him?’

      ‘His name’s Lord Auchinloss,’ she said, ‘and I’m not telling.’

      He said, ‘All right, just tell me this, you know that furry thing he wears between his legs all the time?’

      She was laughing. ‘That’s called a sporran, Sel,’ she said.

      ‘I’ll take your word for it,’ he said. ‘But seriously, what would you do with that if he brought it to you and asked you to take care of it?’

      ‘Throw it a steak,’ she said.

      They were in a silly mood, the pair of them.

      I said, ‘Don’t let us keep you, Sel. I expect you’re keen to go and meet your pals.’

      It was seven o’clock before I got shot of him.

      Hazel said, ‘He’s lovely. I have enjoyed myself.’

      I said, ‘I hope you’re not using me to get to him because you’ll be in for a disappointment. That business holding your hand? It’s just acting. He’s got no time for romance. All he’s interested in is seeing his name in lights.’

      ‘He’s still lovely,’ she said. ‘He has a very happy attitude to life.’

      Of course, she didn’t know the half of it. She hadn’t seen him moving furniture half an inch till it was just so. She hadn’t seen him throw out a perfectly good egg cup because it had got a little chip on the rim.

      Still, after Sel’s patter and three port and lemons she did allow me to get more serious with her. One of the telephonists she shared with had stayed aboard and I daren’t risk R64 in case Wilkie rolled in drunk, so we ended up in the Ripening Room.

      Hazel had learned her trade at a high-class dry cleaner’s in Belgravia, and then joined the Queen Mary after her refit at the end of the war.

      I said, ‘Don’t you get tired of not having a place of your own?’

      ‘It’s economical,’ she said. ‘It means I can save up.’

      I said, ‘What for? Your own laundry?’

      ‘No,’ she said. ‘I’d like a seaside guest house. Different people passing through, in a good mood because they’re on holiday. Nice bed linen and towels and a brass dinner gong.’

      We had Fred Astaire on our next passage to New York, a lovely, quietly spoken gent. I got him to autograph a First Class menu for Dilys. She was thrilled. Hazel came ashore with me that trip. I bought her a Pepsi at the Spanish Garden and took her to Radio City Music Hall to see Jerry Vale and the Rockettes. Where Sel got to I’ll never know, but for a boy who liked scented soap he kept some very low company.

      Every sailing day we’d go up to watch for celebrity arrivals. Douglas Fairbanks Junior, Constance Bennett, Gloria Vanderbildt, Vincent Price. Kings, princesses, millionaires, we entertained them all. But my greatest highlight was the time Gracie Fields was aboard. She was an old friend of our leader, Lionel Truman. ‘Come down to the Pig and Whistle, Gracie,’ he said. ‘Give the crew a treat.’ And she did. I played for her, ‘Sing As We Go’, ‘Orphan of the Storm’, ‘I Took My Harp to a Party’ and they were packed in like sardines, singing along with her. Her voice wasn’t properly trained but she was a real card. Sel turned up when the party was in full swing, pushed his way to the piano.

      I said, ‘Fetch Hazel.’

      ‘Fetch her yourself,’ he said.

      He wanted to get into the limelight with Gracie and the mess room crowd were egging him on. ‘Go on, Sally!’ they were shouting. ‘Give us “Sally from Our Alley”. You and Gracie together.’

      She said, ‘And who’s this when he’s at home?’

      I said, ‘This is my brother Sel. On his way to stardom.’

      ‘Not with my audience, he’s not,’ she said. And although they did sing it together and she pretended to be amused, I could see she didn’t like it. They were two of a kind, Gracie and my brother. Very ‘hail fellow well met’ provided you remembered who was the great star.

      Still, it had been a big moment for me, playing for a singing legend, and Hazel missed the whole ruddy thing.

      I said, ‘Where were you?’

      ‘Working, Cled,’ she said. ‘I sometimes think they sit in their staterooms doing nothing but throw food and spill ink.’

      I said, ‘Well, I had a great triumph last night.’

      ‘So did I,’ she said. СКАЧАТЬ