Mudwoman. Joyce Carol Oates

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СКАЧАТЬ would love Andre Litovik more than he loved her because M.R.’s capacity for love was greater than his as M.R.’s capacity for sympathy, patience, generosity and civility was far greater than his. I can love enough for us both. I will! M.R. had thought in the early years of their (secret) relationship but now she wasn’t so certain she could continue to retain the strength of her old loyalty.

      Loyalty: naïveté.

      And yet: loyalty.

      But as soon as Alexander Stirk departed, and M.R. was alone again in her office stunned, humiliated, hurt—the adrenaline rush of anger had quickly subsided—she called her lover in Cambridge, Massachusetts, on her cell phone.

      A (secret) call. No one among the president’s staff must know.

      M. R. Neukirchen’s (secret) life. M. R. Neukirchen’s (unacknowledged) life.

      No one knew, among her wide circle of friends, acquaintances, colleagues—that M.R. had been involved with a man, a married man, since graduate school in Cambridge. So many years! And so faithful to this man, who had—very likely—not been altogether faithful to her.

      As long as I know that I am the one he loves. To the extent to which he can love anyone.

      As no one knew how lonely M.R. was. Amid the busyness of her professional life like a sequence of blinding lights rudely shone into her eyes this loneliness persisted.

      She could confide in no one, of course. In this exalted position so many of her colleagues envied.

      In the president’s house, in which she was a perpetual guest. As in the four-poster brass bed to which Andre Litovik had come not once in the months since her inauguration, to sleep with her.

      In fact Andre had visited the University twice in those months. He’d come for M.R.’s inauguration in April and in November he’d returned to give a lecture for the astronomy/astrophysics department and at that time M.R. had hosted a dinner in his honor at the president’s house. But he hadn’t wanted to stay overnight in this house though it was understood—it seemed to be understood—that M.R. and Andre Litovik were “old friends” from her Cambridge days.

      M.R. had invited him of course—but she hadn’t pressed him.

      There are guest rooms here. We have at least one guest a week, often more. You would not be—it would not seem….

      She’d meant, it would not have seemed suspicious.

      He’d told her no. He’d been adamant, not very gracious. He had seemed almost to dislike her, so emphatically he spoke declining her invitation.

      Still, they’d managed to spend some time alone together on that occasion—but not in the president’s house, and not in the president’s bed.

      M.R. understood—of course. It would be folly, it would be the most careless of blunders, to arouse suspicion. At least at this time while M.R. was president of the University and Andre Litovik was—still—married.

      Look, darling: I’m so proud of you. Don’t risk your reputation. Someday—soon—we’ll work this out. But not—not just yet.

      He’d gripped her hands in his, tightly. He had appealed to her to believe him and so she had believed him.

      Yet, he’d been eager to return home. For always—at home—there was a family crisis—which Andre must mediate.

      Of all men of her acquaintance M.R. had never known anyone so personally persuasive as Andre Litovik—whether the public man, or the private man. Waking from sleep he was, in an instant, fully awake—warm, suffused with energy, thrumming like a hive of bees.

      And the big fist of a heart quick-beating inside the barrel-chest yet calm, Olympian and bemused.

      If a heart can be Olympian and bemused, Andre Litovik’s was that heart.

      “Please call me. Please—I need to speak to you….”

      The most piteous appeals are those we make in utter solitude, no one to hear. The objects of our appeals distant, oblivious.

      It seemed to be so—Andre was proud of her, now. He admired successful women—in particular, academic and intellectual women—he’d married a brilliant young Russian-born translator and Slavic studies post-doc at Harvard and very likely he’d been involved with a number of other women before meeting M.R.—(and after?).

      He hadn’t wanted her to become president of the University. He’d been frankly astonished that among several very strong candidates, M.R. had been chosen.

      M.R. had not said to him You could dissuade me, if you wanted to. If you wanted to badly enough.

      For maybe this wasn’t true. Maybe—M.R. contemplated the possibility—she did prefer the public position, the opportunity to serve, to lead, to hold in the Light—to a more private life.

      At any rate, she’d accepted the offer of the board of trustees of the University. Leonard Lockhardt had drawn up her contract. The faculty of the University overwhelmingly approved of Neukirchen for the presidency—this had been crucial to M.R.’s acceptance. Never had she felt so—vindicated.

      Almost, you might say—loved.

      For this was the high point of Mudwoman’s life—to be admired, loved.

      The phone rang: 9:09 P.M.

      Not the president’s phone but M.R.’s cell phone for which very few people had the number.

      She saw—the caller ID wasn’t LITOVIK.

      She pushed the little phone away, she had no desire to answer it.

      She’d fallen asleep at her desk. The massive cherrywood desk with its numerous deep drawers. Folded her arms on the desktop and laid her head on her arms and drifted into an exhausted sleep. For the day—this ignominious day!—had begun so long before, in the dark preceding dawn.

      FREE CHOICE IS A LIE!

       NOBODY’S BABY WANTS TO DIE!

      Salvager Hall was empty and darkened except for the president’s office where a single desk lamp was lighted. Three floors deserted as a stage set from which actors have departed. The new female president had a plucky-loyal staff to work closely with her and to defend her against her critics and detractors while conferring worriedly among themselves Is something wrong with M.R.? Is she—ill? She seems to be making mistakes—misjudgments…. Since the accident in October …

      “No. I can make things right again.”

      The cell phone had ceased ringing. Then, within seconds it rang again—the opening bars of Eine Kleine Nachtmusik.

      M.R.’s (secret) lover had bought her the cell phone. So that she could call him, and he could call her. That had been years before in an earlier and more idyllic phase of their friendship.

      It was not Andre. In the caller ID window was KROLL.

      She was appalled, that Oliver Kroll would be calling her at such a time. And on her cell phone, not the president’s phone. She wouldn’t have thought that Kroll СКАЧАТЬ