Going Home. Harriet Evans

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      I’m sure our ancestors were all scavenging peasantry because I’ve never known anyone like my family when it comes to attacking a meal with gusto. Silence reigned as we ploughed through the mountains of food in front of us, with only Rosalie making an attempt at conversation.

      ‘These are beautiful, Suzy,’ she’d say, picking at a crumb of roast potato.

      ‘Mmm,’ my mother would answer, as her nearest and dearest guzzled, pausing only to open another bottle of wine. conversation broke out. I must say we were rather knocking back the wine but as they say, Christmas comes but once a year, and it is the season to be merry. It was probably nearing teatime but, just as at weddings, where one has nothing to eat for hours and then lunch at 6pm, we’d lost all sense of time.

      After the pudding and mince pies, we had toasts where – yes! – we all propose toasts. When we were younger we found the adults desperately tedious by this stage: they were clearly drunk, found the oddest things hilarious, and would hug us, breathing fume-laden declarations of affection into our faces.

      ‘Lizzy goes first,’ said Chin, giving me a shove.

      ‘I’d like to toast Mr and Mrs Franks, and Tommy the dog,’ I said, getting up and downing the rest of my wine.

      ‘Hurray!’ said the others, except Gibbo and Rosalie.

      ‘They live in the village in Norfolk where we go on holidays. They’re gorgeous,’ said Chin. ‘You’ll meet them there this summer. It’s wonderful.’

      Gibbo and Rosalie, bound together by fear of the unknown and the solidarity of the outsider, shot each other a look of trepidation.

      ‘Jess, you next!’ Tom yelled, prodding her in the thigh.

      ‘I want to toast Mr and Mrs Franks too,’ said Jess, determinedly.

      ‘You can’t,’ I said. ‘That was my idea. Think of someone else.’

      ‘I miss them,’ said Jess, her lower lip wobbling. Jess cries more easily than anyone I know, especially after wine.

      ‘Me too,’ said Chin, gazing into her glass. ‘I hope Mr Franks’s hip is OK.’

      ‘My turn,’ said Mike, standing up straight and holding his glass high in the air. ‘To…to Mr and Mrs Franks and Tommy the dog.’

      We all fell about laughing, except Jess. ‘Mike! Be serious.’ She glared at him.

      ‘I stand by my toast,’ said Mike. ‘I send waves of love and vibes of massage to them, especially Mr Franks and his hip.’

      ‘Oh, Mike,’ said Jess, ‘don’t take the p-piss. You are mean.’

      ‘Sorry, darling,’ said Mike. ‘I change my toast. To my lovely new wife.’

      ‘To Mike’s lovely new wife,’ we all chorused. Rosalie beamed up at him.

      Mum got up next. ‘I would like to toast Kate,’ she said quietly. ‘It was thirty-three years ago this week that Tony met her and we always remember him today, but I want Kate to know we all…Anyway, we do. To Kate.’

      ‘To Kate,’ we echoed, and Kate looked embarrassed and buried her face in her glass.

      Mike opened another bottle as Dad stood up. ‘To the district council and their planning department,’ he said darkly, and drained his glass.

      Jess and I rolled our eyes. Dad is always embroiled in some dispute over the field next to our little orchard, which is owned by the local council. They’re always threatening to chop down the trees opposite the house, or remove the lovely old hedgerow that flanks it and similarly stupid things.

      ‘The district council,’ came the weary reply.

      It was Tom’s turn. He stood up slowly and surveyed the room. I noticed then, with a sense of unease, that he had a red wine smile: the corners of his mouth were stained with Sainsbury’s Cabernet Sauvignon. ‘The time has come…’ he began, and stopped. He swayed a little, and fell backwards into his seat. We all roared with laughter and raised our glasses to him. Somehow he got up again. ‘The time has come,’ he repeated, glazed eyes sweeping the room. ‘I want to tell you all something. I want to be honest with you.’

      Kate looked alarmed. ‘What is it, darling?’ she asked, balling her napkin in one hand.

      Tom waved his arm in a grandiloquent gesture. ‘You all think you know me, yes? You don’. None of you. Why don’t we tell the truth here? I’m not Tom.’

      ‘What’s he talking about?’ Rosalie whispered, horrified, to Mike. He shushed her.

      ‘I’m not the Tom you think I am, that Tom,’ said Tom, and licked his lips. ‘None of us tells the truth. Listen to me. Please.’

      And this time we did.

      ‘I want to tell you all. You should know now. Listen, happy Christmas. But you should know, I can’t lie any more to you.’

      ‘Tom,’ I said, as the cold light of realisation broke over me and I suddenly saw what he’d been going on about. ‘Tom, tell us.’

      ‘I don’t think we’re honest with each other,’ he went on. ‘None of us. I think we should all tell each other the truth more. So I’m going to start. I’m gay. I’m Tom. I’m gay.’

      The old clock on the wall behind him ticked loudly, erratically, as it must have done for over a hundred years. I gazed into my lap, then looked up to find everyone else doing the same. Someone had to say something, but I didn’t know what.

      Then, from beside my father, Rosalie spoke: ‘Honey, is that all?’ she asked, reaching for a cracker. ‘You doll. I knew that the moment I laid eyes on you.’

      Another silence.

      ‘Well, come on,’ said Rosalie. ‘Did any of you guys really not know?’

      Kate cleared her throat and pouted. Tom was staring at her, with what seemed to be terror in his eyes. ‘I have to say I’ve always thought you might be, darling,’ she said. She reached across the table for his hand.

      ‘Er…me too,’ said Chin, and my mother nodded.