Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later: How to raise your kid with love and limits. Dr. Berman Robin

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СКАЧАТЬ children went from being seen and not heard to being the center of the universe. The whole family hierarchy collapsed, leaving children in charge, bossing their parents around. Somehow giving children self-esteem was construed to mean giving them a trophy for showing up, hovering over their every move, pouring on excessive praise, and never saying no, for fear of hurting their feelings.

      In trying to constantly please our children and make them happy, we have done just the opposite. This pendulum swing has created a whole new breed of entitled, fragile kids.

      The self-esteem movement backfired out of a giant misunderstanding of how real self-esteem is attained. Parents have focused too much on résumés over learning, competition over connection.

      In this fast-paced culture, we have lost our perspective, our equilibrium, our internal peace. It is very difficult to offer something to our children that we ourselves don’t have. The pendulum has swung too far. Children went from being neglected to being hypermanaged, while kids’ real, deeper needs still remain unmet. Out of the best of intentions, we have left children too vulnerable to stress. Rates of anxiety, depression, drug use, and suicide in kids continue to rise. And I feel called to help.

      Isn’t there a graceful place in the middle of these parenting extremes? A hybrid approach in which we thoughtfully reflect upon what we should keep from our parents’ methods, what we can learn from recent parenting trends, and what no longer serves us?

      • For instance, parenting in the past was all about respecting parents; today it has become all about respecting children. How about we try mutual respect?

      • Kids used to be scared of their parents; now parents are being emotionally bullied by their kids. How about setting loving limits, with you squarely at the helm?

      • “You should be ashamed of yourself” was a common, damaging mantra; now we’re “good job”-ing our kids to death. Let’s give accurate, specific praise where it is due and delete shame from our vocabulary.

      With all the activities we run kids to and from, and all the expectations we have of them and ourselves, family time is getting squeezed out. Parenting seems more like a profession than a relationship. But it is a relationship. A profoundly meaningful one. How we are treated as children informs much of our self-understanding. Childhood is the template for how kids learn to love and trust. It is a story that becomes deeply embedded in the fabric of our being. A strong bond with your parents builds emotional security, which allows you to be at home with yourself and to make your way in the world.

      That’s why I wanted to write a book about building that bond. I could write solely from my own experience—as a mother, a psychiatrist, and a parenting group leader. But I wanted to cast a broader net that captured the untapped, collective wisdom of revered teachers, respected coaches, cherished parents, beloved pediatricians, insightful therapists—and kids themselves. If we look at the commonalities from all of these sources, we find a soulful and commonsense perspective that is much simpler than we try to make it.

      This book is a collection of pooled wisdom. I’m offering you my parenting Rolodex—including the people I turn to for parental inspiration—because no one should have to do this alone. It’s too big a job. You’re not going to get it right every time. No one does. Even if you know the right thing to do, in the heat of the moment, it’s easy to react reflexively.

      Sometimes we’re just brought to our knees by parenting. We care so much, love so deeply, and want so badly to get it right. So I offer you this parenting village, this tapestry of experience. Take what you want, whatever resonates with you, whatever supports you, and throw the rest away.

      Interviews for this book were captured by pen and paper. I scribbled quickly as wisdom poured out of these wonderful people. I did not catch every word, nor did I fact-check their stories. I tried to capture the gist of what they shared. Many stories are presented intact. In most of the anecdotes, some identifying information has been changed. A few stories are composites that took place over days or years, and were sewn together to illustrate a point more gracefully, all in the service of giving you the clearest distillation of what people had to share. Some of these stories are my own, some are from my patients, some I read about, some I heard, and others I observed.

      I have learned so much from writing this book. Topping the list would be that parenting is more about raising yourself than it is about raising your child. What a great gift our children give us, if we let them: the opportunity to grow ourselves. Only then can we give our children the parents we want to be.

      When you parent from your highest self, you can be of the greatest service to your children.

CHAPTER ONE

       Hate Me Now, Thank Me Later

      I often ask mums of this generation, “If you got on a plane and saw a four-year-old pilot in the cockpit, how safe would you feel?”

      You, not your kids, fly the plane.

      —Idell Natterson, PhD, psychologist

      If you want to learn about parenting, head to Starbucks. You don’t have to wait too long before you see a child melting down. Oh, and there he is: an adorable four-year-old boy with curly blond ringlets. Adorable, that is, until he opens his mouth to whine and negotiate for a cookie and chocolate milk, in spite of his mum’s repeated requests to pick one or the other.

      Immediately the rest of us in line transform into the parent police, secretly hoping that the mum will hold her ground, but knowing deep down that she won’t. I feel as if I am rooting for the underdog in this power struggle, and her name is Mummy.

      We grow more and more uncomfortable as the tantrum escalates. “I want both, you can’t make me pick one. You are a mean mummy!” Everyone in line rolls their eyes at each other, and, at this point, I have to control my instinct not to intervene. I get up to the counter to order my latte and the boy smiles at me victoriously, holding his cookie and chocolate milk. I smile back, thinking, I will see you on my couch in twenty years.

      Why is this such a common scene in today’s parenting culture? Why is this generation of parents being emotionally bullied by their children? Kids are holding their parents hostage. Children used to be seen and not heard, but now they are the center of the universe. It is clear that the parenting pendulum has swung too far, and, in between these two extremes, we just might find a graceful new middle.

      Parents today seem skittish about asserting their authority. I get it. These are the parents who vowed never to hit their kids as they had been hit and not to rule by an iron fist. Great instinct, but don’t you think that we have gotten a little carried away? The parental power structure has gotten off-kilter. Parents today seem afraid to assume their rightful position as captain of the ship. If there is no captain, the ship will not sail, or, worse, it will sink.

      I often want to take out my prescription pad and write: “You have my permission to parent.”

      Other physicians offer similar prescriptions.

       “Parenting is an autocratic system, it is not a democracy. Children need to follow rules or else they become unruly.”

      —Lee Stone, MD, pediatrician

       “Kids want to feel as if someone is in charge, СКАЧАТЬ