The Three of U.S.: A New Life in New York. Peter Godwin

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СКАЧАТЬ activities to divert myself from my book, I pick up the phone and dial the Vault.

      ‘Welcome to the Vault,’ says the earnestly perky male voice on the answering machine. ‘America’s most popular S&M club. Please listen to our upcoming attractions:

      Friday is our bare buns contest;

      Saturday is our foot fetish night;

      Sunday is the finals of our bald beaver competition;

      Monday is our popular schoolgirl evening;

      Tuesday features hot-wax branding;

      on Wednesday our weekly slave auction takes place;

      join us Thursday for Shiatsu bondage;

      and next Friday is our speciality dental ‘n’ head restraint.

      We supper at the garage-like Café Braque, voted New York’s coolest summer hangout, full of slender models nibbling tiny organic mesclun leaves, and I tell Joanna of the varied fare offered by our neighbourhood club. ‘What do you fancy being entered for,’ I enquire. ‘Bare buns? Perhaps a little hot-wax branding?’

      ‘What really intrigues me,’ she confides, ‘is the speciality dental ‘n’ head restraint. What on earth could that be?’

      Thursday, 14 May Joanna

      Though my period has still not arrived, all other symptoms have disappeared. I don’t feel sick and I’ve lost two lbs, but I spend the weekend imagining I may be pregnant. And, as my friends constantly remind me, I am thirty-six and it’s about time.

      At exactly 12.35 p.m., as instructed, I phone Dr Beth’s number and am immediately plunged into another curse of contemporary America: voicemail hell.

      ‘Please listen to the following information BEFORE pressing your relevant number.

      ‘If you are an existing patient press one to hear a series of options.

      ‘If you are a new patient wishing to register with us, please have your insurance number ready to enter via your keypad.’

      I press one.

      ‘If you need help with our fax number, website or e-mail address, press one followed by the pound sign.

      ‘If you would like to book an urgent appointment press two.

      ‘If you would like to make a routine appointment press three.

      ‘To cancel an appointment press four.

      ‘For all queries about billing or to review your account press five.

      ‘For all other enquiries press six.’

      I press six.

      ‘To book a pap-smear test press one.

      ‘To receive results of a recent pap-smear test only, press two; do not press this number if you require results from any other test.

      ‘To book a hospital appointment needing your doctor’s consent press three.

      ‘To change the date or time of a hospital appointment press four.

      ‘To request a repeat prescription press five.

      ‘To request a new prescription press six.

      ‘To request information for legal reasons which may be confidential from your personal file, press seven.

      ‘All those needing to speak with an operator press eight and stay on the line.’

      I press eight to be greeted by a short burst of Barbra Streisand singing ‘Evergreen’, quickly interrupted by another message.

      ‘Thank you for calling. All our operators are busy. Please call back later. Our office hours are from 9.30 a.m. until 5 p.m.’

      I phone back again. And again, swearing as I hit the redial button. Would it be quicker to walk there? At 1.28 p.m. I finally get through and ask for Donna, the technician.

      ‘Hello, Jo-wanna,’ she says, uncertainly. ‘How you doin’ today?’

      ‘Oh fine. I was just calling to get my results from the blood tests on Friday.’

      ‘Right, just hang on, Joanna, I’m gonna get Dr Beth to explain them to ya. Stay right where y’are.’ And before I can say anything I hear her pick up another receiver. ‘Dr Beth? Ya gotta minute? I got Joanna Coles on the line, you said to call you when she got through?’

      ‘Hi, Joanna,’ says Dr Beth. ‘It’s not good news I’m afraid.’

      I feel my insides deflate.

      ‘To be honest with you, hun, I don’t know exactly what’s going on, you’re certainly something – but it’s not pregnant. We need you to come back and have another blood test. Can you come in soon, like this afternoon?’

      ‘How do you mean it’s certainly something?’ I ask, feeling weak.

      ‘Are you OK, hun?’ asks Dr Beth.

      ‘Um, yes, just a bit disappointed,’ I mumble. ‘I could be there in about ten minutes? Do you think it’s something serious?’

      ‘Nah, probably not, but we need to make sure, OK? I’ll tell Donna to expect you,’ she says, before adding gently, ‘I’ll speak to you tomorrow, when we’ve got the new results in. And take care, OK?’

      I call Peter, but he’s out so I leave a message. ‘I’ve got to go back for more blood tests,’ I say melodramatically. ‘But apparently I’m still not pregnant.’

      Ovarian cysts, cancer, fibroids, early menopause … I run through the list in the cab as we hurtle down Fifth, past New York’s glorious Public Library, which my mother once compared unfavourably to Leeds Town Hall, and swing onto 30th Street in front of the surgery.

      After taking a photocopy of my insurance card, the receptionist sends me straight through to Donna. ‘Did you wanna be pregnant?’ she asks sympathetically.

      I nod, suddenly realizing that after years of denying it, I really do.

      ‘What do you think is wrong?’ I manage.

      ‘Well, a reading of under five is definitely negative. Your score was eleven, which is too low to be positive but too high to be negative, so that’s why we’re doing you another test. Do you feel pregnant?’

      I shrug, suddenly exhausted, as she snaps on her gloves again and taps my arm. ‘This time call me on my direct line and I’ll give you the results myself,’ she whispers, handing me her card.

      Friday, 15 May Peter

      I am determined СКАЧАТЬ