The Goldberg Variations. Mark Glanville

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СКАЧАТЬ house never appeared to have been touched by the cleaner during our long absences. ‘It’s ’arnted! I feel funny in there alone,’ Mrs Rose informed us, sounding uncannily like one of the retainers that populated our fireside tales of the supernatural. ‘Oh ye-eah! It’s well known in the village. Nun used to live there, got pregnant. ’Anged ’erself up the-ere,’ she explained, widening her eyes appropriately whilst indicating Toby’s attic room.

      No one seemed more disturbed by these events than Beta who was also the one that frightened most easily when the ghoul emerged from the wardrobe at the climax of a fireside reading. To Liz and Jo she was still the welcome older sister who took a share in these activities, but my attraction was growing with greater familiarity, and the slight swell of her breasts under a tight black polo-neck or the curve of her firm thigh in faded blue jeans distracted me even more than the sight of her nakedness had in Fano.

      I began to wonder how far I could take things. Each evening she’d allow me to kiss her goodnight while she lay beneath the sheets, naked but for the white cotton pants I’d seen so much of in Italy, and let me run my hands under the bedclothes, right down her back, to her buttocks and thighs, her lips parting involuntarily as I did so. In my mind I allowed the action to develop, taking her tongue in my mouth, slipping my hand down her pants, sliding beneath the bedclothes and making love to her. She must have been aware that as I left her room each night my cock was straining against my pyjamas.

      After one such foray I was standing in the bathroom, vainly attempting to pee whilst waiting for my alter ego to descend. Matters weren’t helped by the proximity of the loo to the airing cupboard where I knew Beta’s underwear was drying. There it stood, hovering in no man’s land when Mum pushed the door open and walked in.

      ‘Goodness! What an enormous genital!’

      Not even being caught crucifying slugs or aroused in charge of pornographic magazines had prepared me for such a humiliation.

      Next morning she took me aside.

      ‘Can I have a word? Beta’s been complaining. She says you keep groping her.’

      My forehead felt on fire with embarrassment.

      ‘What a bitch!’

      ‘Well, is it true?’

      ‘I suppose. She doesn’t exactly offer any resistance.’

      ‘I gather she was very provocative in Italy.’

      ‘Really?’

      ‘Liz says she spent the entire time parading round the bedroom half-naked. I’d call that provocative. You know, Mark, what you need is a damn good poke!’

      I shouldn’t have been shocked. While the nation was throwing up its hands in horror at the appearance of The Little Red School Book and its permissive morality and disregard for authority, Mum was out buying us all a copy – though she rather spoilt the gesture by adding her own editorial. In my annotated edition, the first sentence ‘All parents arc paper tigers’ now read ‘Some parents are paper tigers.’ It sat on my bookshelf alongside The Communist Manifesto, Das Kapital and a host of other tracts and pamphlets the Soviet regime’s heavy subsidy afforded to my pocket money. The Guardian published my letters extolling the virtues of the egalitarian comprehensive school system I was part of over the iniquitous, class-perpetuating private one I’d left, and I started producing The Marksist, a socialist monthly distributed round the family which included a news section with headlines like ‘Dustmen’s pay to rise above that of solicitors’ in order to irritate my grandmother. I joined the Young Communist League, the youth wing of the Communist Party and the even more hardline International Marxist Group, but this was spiked when a representative turned up at Holland Park Avenue wishing to speak to Comrade Mark Glanville. Peering round the staircase, intrigued to see who had called so late I heard Dad inform my fellow traveller ‘he’s our son and he’s in bed.’ I forgave him not long after when it was discovered that the IMG had helped the IRA to set up a bomb factory in Kilburn. In Man: A Critical Analysis, a book whose title was as modest as its ambition, I attempted nothing less than an explanation of the origins of culture, religion and civilisation using sources as diverse as Schopenhauer, Freud, Marx, Wittgenstein, Melanie Klein, the Koran, Nietzsche and A.J. Ayer. Unable to live and play out in the world as I would like to have done, I internalised it, picked at it and analysed it with the blunted tools of ill-formed ideas.

      ‘What’s ’at you got in yer bag?’ asked a classmate one day as I surreptitiously slipped a copy of Korstner’s Kant into my briefcase during a science lesson.

      ‘Kant.’

      ‘Wor, Cunt! Let’s ’ave a look!’

      It was probably exactly what I should have been reading instead.

      On my first outing with the Cockney Reds I was caught in no man’s land. Struggling to lever myself out of the quagmire of pseudo-accademia, I turned up in a very unstreetwise brown velvet jacket, perfect for browsing in antiquarian bookshops, inappropriate on a train carrying one of the country’s most feared crews of violent football hooligans. Their recent trip to Cardiff, with the most vicious fighting seen at a football match in years, had alerted the media, and the platform at Liverpool Street looked like a film set as the full armoury of BBC outside broadcasting descended.

      Norwich was an all-ticket affair, and we didn’t have the numbers to justify a special train, instead making do with four reserved carriages. Farmers and gentry quivered or bristled as chants of ‘We have fits of mental violence’ and ‘Psycho aggro’ rent the air. At last I was among the tribe of scarred, tattooed faces that had so long fascinated me. Finding a space, I was joined by two skinheads and their greasy-haired, pockmarked companion who clambered into the empty seats around me, pushing aside my legs as they did so. I smiled at the one with the hair. He glared back.

      ‘You Uni’ed?’

      ‘’Course.’

      ‘’Cos this is a Uni’ed carriage.’

      He looked at me in disgust, the way other passengers had been looking at them.

      ‘Wha’s that you go’ in yer bag?’

      ‘Sandwiches.’

      ‘Gi’ ’s one!’

      I hauled my plastic bag onto the table, but before I could open it they’d grabbed it and were delving in, pulling out Mum’s carefully-wrapped packed lunch, and attacking the contents in a way that made Dad look like a finishing-school graduate.

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