On The Couch. Fleur Britten

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      Open-minded, easy-going and always up for new experiences, we’d like to think that we’re the kind of people you can take anywhere. Never say never is our mantra. Except to nuclear bombs, maybe. Left to our own devices, you might find us watching films, reading, gazing at art, walking in the wilderness, debating the issues of the world (in a polite British way, of course), and dancing and singing wildly to comedy pop (very Brits abroad). OH! And we are not boyfriend and girlfriend, but just great, old friends (much better that way, non?).

      I uploaded a couple of ‘sweet’ photos of us and sent it into the ether. At least we didn’t have an empty profile any more—the mark of the much-loathed amateur.

      1ST OCTOBER

      Now we were ready for a little Russian roulette: Ollie and I must set up a series of these random acts of kindness across our Trans—Siberian route. We would meet during our lunch breaks and look at couches together—but Moscow’s 1,890 listed couchsurfers mysteriously scuttled into the darkness in the glare of our searchlight. Were they dormant? Dead? Or were we asking for too much?

      We had some exacting parameters: they had to be native, we wanted full security verification, our own room, no language barrier (we didn’t speak Russian) and no children of early-morning screaming age. The Russians had their own conditions: one redoubtable Muscovite had written a full constitution on her profile: ‘In Russia water is cheap (sorry dear environmentalists) and I do expect you to look clean and smell nice when you come out of my flat. Please try to be invisible in all ways. In Russia we do not call it sexual harassment when a guy opens a door, helps a girl to put on a coat, helps a girl to carry a shopping bag. This is called GOOD MANNERS. Don’t be afraid to show how polite you are.’

      She wasn’t alone: another supplied a terrifying list of dos and don’ts: ‘DON’T bother applying if you’re one of those free accommodation hunters who just read about CS in a newspaper. DON’T feel obliged to bring a present. A bottle of crappy wine from a store around the corner is only a waste of money. DO have your own agenda. We are not gonna sit down and smile at you for the spirit of couchsurfing…’

      A culture of kindness? Not necessarily. But then we found the thirty-year-old musician, Olga, who lived in a spacious and central flat, and who ‘LOVED’ showing people around. And, she’d written, ‘every night you can hear horses walking across the yard, so if you are a sound-of-hooves fan, this is definitely the place.’

      A match! Well, at least, she matched our requirements, but, with no references and no ‘friends’, did we match hers? We were ashamed of our virgin profile; but shame, we concluded, didn’t seem like a useful emotion—so we overstated the case.

      Dear Olga,

      I hope this finds you well. We are Fleur and Ollie from London and you are the very first door that we have knocked upon in our first foray into couchsurfing.

      So why you?! Well, wouldn’t we be mad to overlook someone described as ‘the nicest/kindest person I have ever met’?! We are also fully charmed by the idea of horse hooves. You seem fully conversant in the couchsurfing spirit—that it’s more than free beds and instant company, but a will to bridge cultures and dispel stereotypes.

      Why us? Well, we may be absolute beginners, but we come fully house-trained and domestically skilled and would be thrilled to regale you with tales from London and life.

      Well, do let us know if we might have made it through the first round!

      Fleur and Ollie

      Factually slippery (‘domestically skilled’?) and shamelessly jolly, it reminded me of my first job application. But we’d been warned—even by Olga on her profile: ‘Unfortunately I still receive many “hi there”-style requests from people with empty profiles saying that they are “cool, open-minded and easy-going…”’

      We’d already fallen into couchsurfing cliché; and I wasn’t even easy-going. I quickly deleted the offending article from our profile. Just as with an overly ambitious job-hunt, it all went quiet. We spread our bets.

      Hello Maxim!

      I hope this finds you well. We are Fleur and Ollie from London and you are the very first door that we have knocked upon in our first foray into couchsurfing…”

      Precisely 23 hours, 13 minutes after Overture Number One, our Inbox had a visitor. I experienced a momentary episode of abnormal heart activity—it felt a little like receiving love-mail.

      Hi Fleur and Ollie,

      thank you for your very kind request. i will be very happy to host you at my place, and show you a bit around the city. you will find my phone number, address and a link to a google map at the bottom of this message. could you just confirm that you’re coming, 2-3 days before. since you’re coming on Saturday, I can pick you up outside the metro station. also, if you need some tips or some information about moscow don’t hesitate to ask.

      see you soon,

      Olga

      Meanwhile Maxim also wrote back.

      Welcome to Moscow!

      I like your letter very much!!!! Usually it’s OK to be hosted in my flat, in case I’m not hosting or travelling at this moment.

      So you can count on me!

      Regards. Max

      P.S. We have CS meetings on Tuesdays & Thursdays.

      Well, we weren’t expecting a double-hit, but maybe coming from London boosted our appeal. We decided to stay three days with Olga, two with Max. From reading others’ profiles, it appeared that much more at any one place was too much.

      We wrote back with more blandishments, and both hosts and guests were suspended in a happy communion of sweet, innocent friend-making. Perhaps they would like something from London, I offered—I didn’t believe that they could possibly be happy to just give, give, give and wait for the universe to give back. Paying it back instantly was surely obligado.

      Just time to complete one prior experiment before departure: The Emperor and I had agreed to spend three days together— yes, just three small days—and if we got on, we were go, if not, that would be it—the end of us. War descended within hours. We made up, pretended it hadn’t happened and continued, only to fall out again. It was no use. By the end, we had to agree that we had failed.

       CHAPTER 2 MOSCOW: UNDER OBSERVATION

      11TH OCTOBER

      1900 hours, Pushkin Square, Moscow. Night had fallen. In front of us was a confusion of old Soviet apparatus competing with new capitalist trappings: shadowy communist towers illuminated by the neon glow of monuments to money-making; a Vegas-style casino; an American coffee house; fast-food joints. Around the square, glossy European 4x4s beeped at dirty little Ladas. Ollie and I fell silent. Excited yet anxious, it felt like first date territory.

      ‘I’ll be waiting for you by the benches near the Pushkin statue.’

      The romantic СКАЧАТЬ