An Encyclopaedia of Myself. Jonathan Meades

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СКАЧАТЬ at De Vaux House on the corner of De Vaux Place. Liberty means, here, outside the Close but within the ecclesiastical jurisdiction of the Dean and Chapter whose stewardship of their sublime architectural charges was habitually as crass as their faith: Salisbury’s clergy were not afflicted by aesthetic probity or by doubt. These pious snobbish moralistic desiccated philistine bigots, unusually in their era, actually believed in their sanctioned mumbo-jumbo and its cruel rules.

      Dr Harold Burt-White, the owner of De Vaux House, was probably not the sort of person they looked on with sympathy or wished to have live within the Liberty of the Close. He was a gynaecologist, an expert in puerperal infections and formerly senior house surgeon at Barts. Jim Laing’s atypically bar-room characterisation of another gynaecologist is perhaps appropriate: ‘He couldn’t think of anywhere better to play than where he worked.’ Burt-White was struck off the medical register in 1932 for having conducted an improper relationship with a patient and was cited as co-respondent in a messy divorce (is there any other sort?) which was also public. Dallas Burt-White, his sister, a mainstay of that decade’s society columns, accused the petitioner Harold Bevir of blackmailing her brother. She was duly sued for slander. Harold Burt-White countered by bringing a libel action against Bevir who had described him as a cad. And so it went on: appeals, rapprochements, paltry reputations worth fortunes. He was reinstated by the GMC after five years. A campaign had been waged by three hundred of his patients. He served in the RAMC in Ulster and took up a post at Salisbury Infirmary soon after the war. He was dark, sleek, saturnine, urbanely suited. He was said to drink heavily.

      Outside De Vaux House, in the lee of a slightly raised pavement, stood his drophead Lagonda LG6, bulbously streamlined in the fashion of the late Thirties. It was liver-brown and fetish-black. I was mesmerised by it. The wheels were unperforated, solid-state and stately. There were spats over the rear ones. Such spats and wheels were unsporty, against nature, they spoke of worldliness, of arcane urban depravities. Until my mother or The German Girl tugged me away I followed my reflection in the bodywork’s millpool-deep enamel. That Lagonda was a sinister sleeping animal. And then it was gone. It was the car’s sudden absence, the very fact that it was no longer there, which would fix it for ever in my nervous system.

      Mrs Bacon cleaned every morning at St Nicholas Hospital, the almshouses close by De Vaux House. Two afternoons a week she cleaned for my parents. I sat at the dining-room table toying with the tea she had made me, a glass of squash and a crumbling slice of bread glued with a slab of butter. She was in the kitchen with my mother, garrulously confidential, talking in a deafening whisper which meant that I wasn’t supposed to hear.

      ‘Suicide. Stst ohf … Old-fashioned cut-throat it were he used … That poor woman … Stst ohf I don’t know ’ow ’e could … Pool of blood, pool of blood …’ Her tuts were salacious and prurient. She was a News of the World reader, as moralistic, then, as the Dean and Chapter though more humane. ‘Stst ohf – that lovely ’ouse … Such a gentleman … Always raises ’is ’at. Stst ohf … Don’t ’old with suicide … And a doctor too …’

      I heard the new word again. Suicide.

      A pool of blood was as big as the garden pond at the bungalow in Britford Lane where Uncle Ken and Auntie Jessica lived. She had seen an adder swimming in it. Eavesdropping on Mrs Bacon I saw the water in the pond turn crimson.

      It was autumn. Late the previous afternoon, Harold Burt-White had severed the radial artery of his left wrist and the anterior artery of his right leg. He could have had no better training in the procedures of suicide. His wife found him prone and unconscious on a tiled floor. To attempt suicide was still, in 1952, illegal in Britain. Rather than call the emergency services and risk his suffering prosecution should he survive, she contacted a colleague of his, an anaesthetist called Simpson. Not the obvious choice in the circumstances, but he lived nearby with his alarmingly flat-footed son. In defiance of his specialisation he succeeded in getting Burt-White to come round, only to be told: ‘Don’t bother. If I live I’ll kill myself.’ He didn’t live, he had already killed himself.

      Lagonda. Lagonda is unfathomably complicit. It is not a necessarily rare sighting of a vehicle of that marque but the name, the very word, that triggers a swooning dream of release by the barber’s blade that was a physician’s, of the snake – evidently an adder – on the barber’s pole, of Roman death, of laurels, of the physician in a toga weighted with viscous blood, of noble disgrace and scorn for Christian obsequies. Where was he buried?

      Once I discovered its defining property, which took some time, suicide became a secret within a secret. I kept my knowledge of it from the world. This was before the prepubertal investigation of sex and the dangerous vocabulary attached to it had to be cached deepest in my brain. Suicide was the most special death because it was chosen, as one might choose a Lagonda over an Allard. It was a peculiar luxury.

      The propositions that the suicide may have no choice and that the act is one of necessity were inconceivable. Before we have heard of, witnessed or experienced irreparable despair, betrayal, persecution, boredom, depression, obloquy, self-disgust, guilt etc., suicide is a causeless, strangely glamorous occurrence apparently undertaken with free will (as we do not yet know to call it). Like all the manifold mysteries of infancy self-inflicted death is a magnet for the curious. Its contemplation is tonic. Puzzling about this way of death made me feel so alive despite the frustration of having to rely on scraps of information and not being able to ask any question more direct than ‘Where has the Lagonda gone?’

       ANAL PENETRATION

      Courtesy demands that the object of this intervention should be made aware of the intent before the act is prosecuted. It is merely good manners.

      Were such good manners exhibited towards Jonathan Venus and Jeremy Leveret?

      May 1957. Early one Wednesday evening my parents made me attend a choral recital in the gardens of Wilton House. Every stratum of South Wiltshire’s bourgeoisie was represented along with a few grandees: landowners, wiry soldiers of high rank, gentleman garagists, arty nobs. There was the bemusing buzz of chitchat: what do people say to each other, what is it that takes so much time? How long can an expression of deferential greeting be extended? Everyone spoke proper English or aspired to speak it: open ‘o’s and stretched diphthongs peculiar to the area were inadequately disguised by doilies of refinement. Everyone dressed and behaved with all the decorum due to an Earl’s demesne. We enjoyed the privilege of standing on ground granted to his ancestors four centuries previously by Henry VIII as a reward for their loyal services to the royal rectum. It had rained for the first time in a couple of weeks. The grassless ground around beeches’ pachydermal feet shone. There was the elemental odour of damp earth. The returning sun picked out beads of moisture on the Earl’s noble lawns. His ancient trees’ limbs dripped.

      A loudspeaker announcement was made. The recital would begin later than intended.

      There was an unspecified problem. The makeshift stage, no doubt: it was merely a series of turfed terraces in front of a roofless exedra. Perhaps the singers were in danger of losing their footing in the wet.

      England was fecund, inviting. I left my parents and walked alone to the Palladian bridge across the Nadder. A roofed bridge, a fancy which had long drawn me, had fascinated me since earliest childhood. Its lichenous stones glistened. My hand tried the water’s temperature to check whether it was fit for swimming. It was warm enough, but lack of trunks and nervy propriety stopped me even in this place where I was out of sight: until a couple of years previously I’d have had no such inhibition. Then I swam naked in rivers without self-consciousness.

      I squatted on the bank so that my grey school shorts wouldn’t get СКАЧАТЬ