A WAG Abroad. Alison Kervin

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      ‘Explore?’ I ask, concern ricocheting through me. Why on earth would we ever want to do that? I’ve never heard Dean use such a word before. ‘Go out?’ I say. ‘Is there an opening of a bar or restaurant somewhere, or are there photographers around? A film première? Why else would I want to go out?’

      ‘Nah, silly,’ he says with a loud guffaw. ‘Not out and explore. I meant explore the TV. There are loads of channels on it, you know. Most of them are American, but there are some brill cartoons and that. I can’t find Midsomer Murders yet, but it must be on here somewhere. Come on, love, let’s get some telly watched. You’ve been in Los Angeles for over four days and you haven’t sat in front of the goggle box for more than an hour at a time.’

      ‘You’re right, love,’ I say as we snuggle together on the sofa in this strange foreign country where the sun always shines. Dean is flicking through the channels with a smile on his face and I’m dreaming of shopping, pampering and getting rat-arsed with Victoria. We’re on the other side of the world, but nothing, really, has changed at all. Phew.

      Email to: Mich & Suzzi

      From: Tracie in LA

      Hi, girlies. Thanks for the email and the gossip update. I can’t believe Mum’s back in Luton! When did she get there? It’s so weird. I thought she was loving life in Spain and about to settle down with the twenty year old.

      I know that nothing Angie does should surprise me any more, but turning up at Luton and announcing that she wants to adopt three African babies? Does she think she’s going to attract someone who looks like Brad Pitt if she acts like Angelina Jolie? Someone ought to tell her that it doesn’t work like that! Poor thing – I hope she’s OK. Do you think I should write to her? All the letters I sent to her in Spain were sent back marked ‘Return to the bitch’ so Dean told me to stop writing. Let me know what you think, and remember to keep me updated on what she’s up to.

      I’ll have a look for the chewing gum you mentioned – the stuff that you chew three times and it makes your skin look ten years younger. I have to confess that I haven’t seen any over here, and I certainly couldn’t find those sweets that you mentioned – the ones that make your hair blonder. You know, I’m starting to think that a lot of the things that appear in magazines about LA simply aren’t true.

      Will write again soon, Trace

      PS. I can’t believe someone’s smashed the statue of the Boy David in our garden. Who would do that? Didn’t anyone hear anything? Must be the same person who cut the heads off all the flowers. Kids, no doubt. Thanks for getting it all fixed. x