A WAG Abroad. Alison Kervin

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      For Gorgeous George – the little boy who finds

      it sooo embarrassing when I dedicate books to him.

      Also for my brother, Gareth, whose knowledge of hair

       extensions and spray tanning were a real help to me in the writing, and to my sister Susan for her indepth knowledge of football.

      First of all a big thank you to the fabulous MaxineHitchcock,editor par excellence, for her advice, suggestionsand patience as we took Tracie on an action-packedadventure to LA. Also to Keshini Naidoo and SammiaRafique at Avon for being such stars and so supportive.Indeed many thanks to everyone at Avon for theirunfailing help, you’ve been a joy to work with on twobooks now – that’s more than any writer can hope for!An enormous thank you to Sheila Crowley, super agentand super friend, for all her support and encouragement.Thanks to Mum and Dad, as ever, though dad doesn’thave time to read my books now, since he became a starof the letters page of The Times. Finally a special mentionfor Charlie Bronks and everyone on the Linda UttleyCommittee who put on a magnificent display of whatreal friendship is all about when faced with illness to oneof their number. You should be desperately proud ofyourselves for all you did for Linda. I’m honoured to callyou friends …

      Featured in today’s Daily Mail – the LAST column by Tracie Martin, Luton Town Super Wag, and our most popular columnist, as she prepares for her new life as a Wag Abroad…

      HOW SHOULD A WAG PACK FOR A LONG

       JOURNEY TO LA?

      It’s a question to trouble even the most confident and committed of Wags. How much stuff should you take on a trip to LA? The right answer is… take it ALL!! Pack the bloody lot – from your light-bulb-covered dressing-table mirror to the glittery, tassely, shimmering, skimpy dresses that would make you look overdressed at the Oscars, let alone on the terraces. Take the shiny long pink PVC lace-up boots and the barely-there, marabou-fringed knickers. Obviously take the home spray tan kit complete with portable tanning studio. (This should be in your hand luggage just in case your tan starts fading to yellow during the flight. Always remember – a Wag should be far more chicken tikka masala than chicken korma.)

      Take the machine that glues in hair extensions that you bought but can’t use because every time you try to glue the extensions back in yourself you manage to get glue in your hair, on your clothes and all over the furniture, you burn your thumbs and stick your fingers together.

      Take the collection of twenty-nine skin-tight white lycra dresses that show every cellulite-free inch of your orange thighs. Take the leather dresses, the ridiculous jackets, the huge handbags that cost more than most people’s cars, and the tiny handbags that cost more than most people’s houses.

      What about the huge leopardskin-patterned fake fur coat and the impractical cream-coloured Ugg boots? Yes, yes and thrice yes! But what about the fact that you’re going to a boiling hot country and there’s no way on God’s Earth that you could possibly wear them? Take them anyway. Just in case it cools down – who knows? What with global warming and all that stuff, perhaps the warm countries will experience global cooling. Maybe the smoking ban in Europe will hasten the melting of the ice caps which will cause polar bears to develop webbed feet and gills and swim to LA to live. All I’m saying is – it’s possible. So take everything with you.

      Take the earrings that are so heavy you can barely lift your head and the gold necklaces that are so chunky they give you whiplash every time you turn round. Take it all, then buy loads more at the airport while you’re waiting for the flight that you will inevitably miss because you’re too caught up in a shopping frenzy to even think about silly things like gate numbers or departure times.

      There. I hope that advice is clear and concise enough. That’s certainly what I intend to do. This is Tracie Martin bidding au revoir to Luton Town as I head off to my new life in LA. Welcome to my world …