The Atlantic Monthly, Volume 02, No. 10, August, 1858. Various

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СКАЧАТЬ sent the color from Margaret's face; and raising her eyes, she asked, quite calmly, but in a low and unnatural tone,–

      "'Is this so?'

      "I said, 'I suppose I cannot deny it.'

      "'You are really going?'

      "'I am really going.'

      "She could not hide her agitation. Her white face betrayed her. Then I was glad, wickedly glad, in my heart,–and vain enough to be gratified that others should behold and know I held a power over her. Well,–but I suffered for that folly.

      "'I feel hurt,' she said, after a little while, 'because you have not told me this. You have no sister,' (this was spoken very quietly,) 'and it would have been a privilege for me to take a sister's place, and do for you those little things which sisters do for brothers who are going on long journeys.'

      "I was choked;–it was a minute before I could speak. Then I said that I saw no reason why she should tax her time or thoughts to do anything for me.

      "'Oh, you know,' she said, 'you have been kind to me,–so much kinder than I have deserved!'

      "It was unendurable,–the pathos of the words! I was blinded, stifled,–I almost groaned aloud. If we had been alone, there our trial would have ended. I should have snatched her to my soul. But the eyes of others were upon us, and I steeled myself.

      "'Besides,' I said, 'I know of nothing that you can do for me.'

      "'There must be many little things;–to begin with, there is your glove, which you are tearing to pieces.'

      "True, I was tearing my glove,–she was calm enough to observe it! That made me angry.

      "'Give it to me; I will mend it for you. Haven't you other gloves that need mending?'

      "I, who had triumphed, was humbled.

      "My heart was breaking,–and she talked of mending gloves! I did not omit to thank her. I coldly arose to go.

      "Well, I felt now that it was all over. The next day I secured my passage in the steamer in which my friends were to sail. I took pains that Margaret should hear of that, too. Then came the preparations for travel,–arranging affairs, writing letters, providing myself with a compact and comfortable outfit. Europe was in prospect,–Paris, Switzerland, Italy, lands to which my dreams had long since gone before me, and to which I now turned my eyes with reawakening aspirations. A new glory arose upon my life, in the light of which Margaret became a fading star. It was so much easier than I had thought, to give her up, to part from her! I found that I could forget her, in the excitement of a fresh and novel experience; while she–could she forget me? When lovers part, happy is he who goes! alas for the one that is left behind!

      "One day, when I was busy with the books which I was to take with me, a small package was handed in. I need not tell you that I experienced a thrill, when I saw Margaret's handwriting upon the wrapper. I tore it open,–and what think you I found? My glove! Nothing else. I smiled bitterly, to see how neatly she had mended it; then I sighed; then I said, 'It is finished!' and tossed the glove disdainfully into my trunk.

      "On the day before that fixed for the sailing of the steamer, I made farewell calls upon many of my friends,–among others, upon Margaret. But, through the perversity of pride and will, I did not go alone,–I took with me Joseph, a mutual acquaintance, who was to be my compagnon de voyage. I felt some misgivings, to see how Margaret had changed; she was so softened, and so pale!

      "The interview was a painful one, and I cut it short. As we were going out, she gently detained me, and said,–

      "'Did you receive–your glove?'

      "'Oh, yes,' I said, and thanked her for mending it.

      "'And is this all–all you have to say?' she asked.

      "'I have nothing more to say–except good-bye.'

      "She held my hand. 'Nothing else?'

      "'No,–it is useless to talk of the past, Margaret; and the future–may you be happy!–Good-bye!'

      "I thought she would speak; I could not believe she would let me go; but she did! I bore up well, until night. Then came a revulsion. I walked three times past the house, wofully tempted, my love and my will at cruel warfare; but I did not go in. At midnight I saw the light in her room extinguished; I knew she had retired, but whether to sleep, or weep, or pray–how could I tell? I went home. I did not close my eyes that night. I was glad to see the morning come, after such a night!

      "The steamer was to sail at ten. The bustle of embarkation; strange scenes and strange faces; parting from friends; the ringing of the bell; last adieus,–some, who were to go with us, hurrying aboard, others, who were to stay behind, as hastily going ashore; the withdrawal of the plank,–sad sight to many eyes! casting off the lines, the steamer swinging heavily around, the rushing, irregular motion of the great, slow paddles; the waving of handkerchiefs from the decks, and the responsive signals from the crowd lining the wharf; off at last,–the faces of friends, the crowd, the piers, and, lastly, the city itself, fading from sight; the dash of spray, the freshening breeze, the novel sight of our little world detaching itself and floating away; the feeling that America was past, and Europe was next;–all this filled my mind with animation and excitement, which shut out thoughts of Margaret. Could I have looked with clairvoyant vision, and beheld her then, locked in her chamber, should I have been so happy? Oh, what fools vanity and pride make of us! Even then, with my heart high-strung with hope and courage, had I known the truth, I should have abandoned my friends, the voyage, and Europe, and returned in the pilot's boat, to find something more precious than all the continents and countries of the globe, in the love of that heart which I was carelessly flinging away."

      Here Westwood took breath. The sun was now almost set. The prairie was still and cool; the heavy dews were beginning to fall; the shadows of the green and flowered undulations filled the hollows, like a rising tide; the headland, seen at first so far and small, was growing gradually large and near; and the horses moved at a quicker pace. Westwood lighted his cigar, drew a few whiffs, and proceeded.

      "We had a voyage of eleven days. But to me an immense amount of experience was crowded into that brief period. The fine exhilaration of the start,–the breeze gradually increasing to a gale; then horrible sea-sickness, home-sickness, love-sickness; after which, the weather which sailors love, games, gayety, and flirtation. There is no such social freedom to be enjoyed anywhere as on board an ocean steamer. The breaking-up of old associations, the opening of a fresh existence, the necessity of new relationships,–this fuses the crust of conventionality, quickens the springs of life, and renders character sympathetic and fluent. The past is easily put away; we become plastic to new influences; we are delighted at the discovery of unexpected affinities, and astonished to find in ourselves so much wit, eloquence, and fine susceptibility, which we did not before dream we possessed.

      "This freedom is especially provocative of flirtation. We see each fair brow touched with a halo whose colors are the reflection of our own beautiful dreams. Loveliness is ten-fold more lovely, bathed in this atmosphere of romance; and manhood is invested with ideal graces. The love within us rushes, with swift, sweet heart-beats, to meet the love responsive in some other. Don't think I am now artfully preparing your mind to excuse what I am about to confess. Take these things into consideration, if you will; then think as you please of the weakness and wild impulse with which I fell in love with–

      "We will call her Flora. The most superb, captivating creature that ever ensnared the hearts of the sons of Adam. A fine olive complexion; magnificent dark auburn hair; eyes full of fire and softness; lips that could СКАЧАТЬ