Moods. Alcott Louisa May

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СКАЧАТЬ the woman whom I marry, and feel an affection that elevates me by quickening all that is noblest and manliest in me. With you I should be either a tyrant or a slave. I will be neither, but go solitary all my life rather than rashly mortgage the freedom kept inviolate so long, or let the impulse of an hour mar the worth of coming years."

      Bent and broken by the unanswerable accusations of what seemed a conscience in human shape, Ottila had sunk down before him with an abandonment as native to her as the indomitable will which still refused to relinquish hope even in despair.

      "Go," she said, "I am not worthy of salvation. Yet it is hard, very hard, to lose the one motive strong enough to save me, the one sincere affection of my life."

      Warwick had expected a tempestuous outbreak at his decision; this entire submission touched him, for in the last words of her brief lament he detected the accent of truth, and longed to answer it. He paused, searching for the just thing to be done. Ottila, with hidden face, watched while she wept, and waited hopefully for the relenting sign. In silence the two, a modern Samson and Delilah, waged the old war that has gone on ever since the strong locks were shorn and the temple fell; a war which fills the world with unmated pairs and the long train of evils arising from marriages made from impulse, and not principle. As usual, the most generous was worsted. The silence pleaded well for Ottila, and when Warwick spoke it was to say impetuously —

      "You are right! It is hard that when two err one alone should suffer. I should have been wise enough to see the danger, brave enough to fly from it. I was not, and I owe you some reparation for the pain my folly brings you. I offer you the best, because the hardest, sacrifice that I can make. You say love can work miracles, and that yours is the sincerest affection of your life; prove it. In three months you conquered me; can you conquer yourself in twelve?"

      "Try me!"

      "I will. Nature takes a year for her harvests; I give you the same for yours. If you will devote one half the energy and care to this work that you devoted to that other, – will earnestly endeavor to cherish all that is womanly and noble in yourself, and through desire for another's respect earn your own, – I, too, will try to make myself a fitter mate for any woman, and keep our troth unbroken for a year. Can I do more?"

      "I dared not ask so much! I have not deserved it, but I will. Only love me, Adam, and let me save myself through you."

      Flushed and trembling with delight she rose, sure the trial was safely passed, but found that for herself a new one had begun. Warwick offered his hand.

      "Farewell, then."

      "Going? Surely you will stay and help me through my long probation?"

      "No; if your desire has any worth you can work it out alone. We should be hindrances to one another, and the labor be ill done."

      "Where will you go? Not far, Adam."

      "Straight to the North. This luxurious life enervates me; the pestilence of slavery lurks in the air and infects me; I must build myself up anew and find again the man I was."

      "When must you go? Not soon."

      "At once."

      "I shall hear from you?"

      "Not till I come."

      "But I shall need encouragement, shall grow hungry for a word, a thought from you. A year is very long to wait and work alone."

      Eloquently she pleaded with voice and eyes and tender lips, but Warwick did not yield.

      "If the test be tried at all it must be fairly tried. We must stand entirely apart and see what saving virtue lies in self-denial and self-help."

      "You will forget me, Adam. Some woman with a calmer heart than mine will teach you to love as you desire to love, and when my work is done it will be all in vain."

      "Never in vain if it be well done, for such labor is its own reward. Have no fear; one such lesson will last a lifetime. Do your part heartily, and I will keep my pledge until the year is out."

      "And then, what then?"

      "If I see in you the progress both should desire, if this tie bears the test of time and absence, and we find any basis for an abiding union, then, Ottila, I will marry you."

      "But if meanwhile that colder, calmer woman comes to you, what then?"

      "Then I will not marry you."

      "Ah, your promise is a man's vow, made only to be broken. I have no faith in you."

      "I think you may have. There will be no time for more folly; I must repair the loss of many wasted days, – nay, not wasted if I have learned this lesson well. Rest secure; it is impossible that I should love."

      "You believed that three months ago and yet you are a lover now."

      Ottila smiled an exultant smile, and Warwick acknowledged his proven fallibility by a haughty flush and a frank amendment.

      "Let it stand, then, that if I love again I am to wait in silence till the year is out and you absolve me from my pledge. Does that satisfy you?"

      "It must. But you will come, whatever changes may befall you? Promise me this."

      "I promise it."

      "Going so soon? Oh, wait a little!"

      "When a duty is to be done, do it at once; delay is dangerous. Good night."

      "Give me some remembrance of you. I have nothing, for you are not a generous lover."

      "Generous in deeds, Ottila. I have given you a year's liberty, a dear gift from one who values it more than life. Now I add this."

      He drew her to him, kissed the red mouth and looked down upon her with a glance that made his man's face as pitiful as any woman's as he let her lean there happy in the hope given at such cost. For a moment nothing stirred in the room but the soft whisper of the wind. For a moment Warwick's austere life looked hard to him, love seemed sweet, submission possible; for in all the world this was the only woman who clung to him, and it was beautiful to cherish and be cherished after years of solitude. A long sigh of desire and regret broke from him, and at the sound a stealthy smile touched Ottila's lips as she whispered, with a velvet cheek against his own —

      "Love, you will stay?"

      "I will not stay!"

      And like one who cries out sharply within himself, "Get thee behind me!" he broke away.

      "Adam, come back to me! Come back!"

      He looked over his shoulder, saw the fair woman in the heart of the warm glow, heard her cry of love and longing, knew the life of luxurious ease that waited for him, but steadily went out into the night, only answering —

      "In a year."

      CHAPTER II.

      WHIMS

      "Come, Sylvia, it is nine o'clock! Little slug-a-bed, don't you mean to get up to-day?" said Miss Yule, bustling into her sister's room with the wide-awake appearance of one to whom sleep was a necessary evil, to be endured and gotten over as soon as possible.

      "No, why should I?" And Sylvia turned her face away from the flood of light that poured into the room as Prue put aside the curtains and flung СКАЧАТЬ