The Cynic's Word Book. Bierce Ambrose

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      ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.

      ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every respect to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a sawrian.

      ALONE, adj. In bad company.

      ALTAR, n. The place whereon the priest formerly ravelled out the small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a male and a female fool.

      AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

      AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be villified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.

      AMNESTY, n. The State's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

      ANOINT, v.t. To grease. To consecrate a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.

      ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.

      APHORISM, n. A brief statement, bald in style and flat in sense.

      APOLOGIZE, v. i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.

      APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.

      APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider.

      APPEAL, v. t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw.

      APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a solution to the labor question.

      APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude.

      APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

      ARBITRATION, n. A modern device for promoting strife by substituting for an original dispute a score of inevitable disagreements as to the manner of submitting it for settlement.

      ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a bishop.

      ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money; who estimates the whole cost, and himself costs the whole estimate.

      ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

      ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit, in which the statesman wrestles with his record.

      ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts – guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts.

      ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

      ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter hanged to a lamp-post.

      ARREST, v. t Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.

      God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. – The Unauthorized Version.

      ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom it greatly affects in turn.

      ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S. J.