A Burlesque Translation of Homer. Francis Grose

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      The gipsy, after this parade,

      Thus to the good old Trojan said:

      He whom to know my daddy seeks,

      Is the great leader of the Greeks:

      His fame is known both near and far,

      To scold in peace, and kick in war:

      My brother he was call'd, before

      Your son and I turn'd rogue and whore:

      To call him so I'm now asham'd,

      And even blush to hear him nam'd.

      Is that Atrides, quoth the king?

      To me he seems the very thing:

      I'm told he is, or grave or mellow,

      In peace or war, a clever fellow.

      Amongst the Phrygians I have been.

      But ne'er a tighter fellow seen.

      When Otreus sat upon their throne,

      And Migdon led their hang-dogs on,

      I and my Trojans join'd the roysters;

      Where, by the help of cod and oysters,

      We laid, with many strokes and thwacks,

      The Amazons upon their backs:

      Yet those now standing in our sight

      Are tighter fellows, by this light.

      But tell me, Helen, if you can,

      Who's that broad-breasted little man;

      His shoulders large and widely spread,

      But not so tall as th' last by th' head?

      He is no serjeant, I've a notion;

      Yet like a serjeant in his motion:

      He seems to bustle much about him;

      You'd swear they could not do without him.

      Helen replies, My judgment misses,

      If he you speak of ben't Ulysses.

      Now that I take a better view,

      'Tis he himself, I spy him now:

      Let him be standing still, or running,

      You'll hardly find his match for cunning;

      He knows a thousand slipp'ry tricks,

      But shines the most in politics.

      Though from a barren isle he came,

      The world's too little for his fame:

      And, had he not been born a prince,

      He'd been prime minister long since.

      Antenor told the king, he knew

      What Helen said was very true.

      When Atreus' son and he came over,

      This coaxing baggage to recover,

      Men of great worth they seem'd to be,

      I therefore let 'em lodge with me:

      I knew them both before that day,

      And knew they could their reck'ning pay.

      Whene'er we chatted o'er a can

      Of flip, with care I mark'd each man.

      Atrides standing, look'd the best,

      'Cause he was mostly better drest:

      Seated, Ulysses reverence drew;

      On breech he gave the clearest view.

      Atrides was no man of tongue;

      His speech was good, though never long:

      But when Ulysses 'gan to speak,

      You never heard so queer a Greek;

      He'd fix his eyes upon the ground,

      As if a speech could there be found;

      Look'd foolish, though he knew no tongue

      Like his was half so glibly hung:

      He could, with oily words, I tell ye,

      Make your heart jump within your belly:

      His rogueship from the flowers and trees

      Would call the very birds and bees.

      Then Priam thus: Amidst the throng

      I spy a man exceeding strong;

      Shoulders so spread, and such a chest,

      He's stole a giant's back and breast:

      So strong a carl you'll seldom see;

      My lovely girl, who can it be?

      Ajax, replies fair Leda's daughter,

      Is he you're now inquiring after:

      Of him the Grecians well may crack,

      For he upon his brawny back

      Could lug the city gates, when bid,

      As well as ever Samson did.

      The next that looks this way to see us,

      Is the far-fam'd Idomeneus:

      With my good man he once took quarter,

      And look'd so trim, my mouth did water.

      As for the rest, if I judge rightly,

      They're fellows that can box it tightly.

      But all this while, old dad, have I

      Been looking sharp, if I can spy

      A pair of twins, and each my brother

      Castor is one, and Pollux t'other.

      But hap the colonels fight no more,

      Or scorn to quarrel for a whore.

      Poor Helen dreamt not on her bed,

      Her brothers were as herrings dead;

      That the last doublet they put on

      Was made of Bath or Portland stone,

      Where, free from broils, they slept secure,

      And dreamt of whores and rogues no more.

      And now both beadles did with care

      The lambs for sacrifice prepare;

      But first in order form the ring,

      And thus they call the Trojan king:

      Arise, O king! come down with speed.

      And lend a hand in time of need

      To seal the truce; for there's no troth,

      Unless you come and take the oath.

      Your son and famous Menelau

      For Nell agree to pull a crow:

      And he that makes his rival yield,

      Or lays him flat upon the field,

      May unmolested take his fill,

      And tousel Helen when he will;

      That we may cease this curs'd fatigue,

      And join in everlasting league;

      Trojans may plough their lands, and Greece

      Return, and kiss their wives in peace.

      Priam, though with a heavy heart,

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