Английские анекдоты / English Jokes. Отсутствует

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СКАЧАТЬ sure did. He found that the white one was 6 inches shorter than the black one.

* * *

      Man says to God:

      “Lord, why did you make woman so beautiful?”

      God says, “So you would love her.”

      “But Lord,” the man says, “why did you make her so stupid?”

      God says, “So she would love you.”

* * *

      A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

      He wrote, “I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

      An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.

      I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

      Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”

* * *

      – Sir! Did you have a good holiday? Did you go away?

      – Yes, I went to France, to Paris.

      – Did you have much trouble with your French when you were there?

      – No, I didn’t – but the Parisians did.

* * *

      A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

      One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

      “Hold it,[31] hold it,” the fellow said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”

      “Well, we work for the county government,[32]” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”

      “You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”

      “Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?”

* * *

      A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office.

      The husband said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”

      “You’re a brave man,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”

      The husband turns to his wife and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”

* * *

      A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

      “What are you doing?” she asked.

      “Hunting flies,” he responded.

      “Oh… Killed any?” she asked.

      “Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.

      Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?”

      He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

* * *

      A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said:

      “Don’t all the newspapers make you tired, my boy?”

      “No, I don’t read them,” replied the boy.

* * *

      An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

      The engineer chose the wheel, which gave humanity power over space. The physicist chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

      The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

      “Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked. “Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”

      “Yes – so what?” “Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle – how does it know?”

* * *

      The general went out to find that none of his GIs[33] were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.[34]

      “Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

      The general was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the GI go.

      Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

      “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”

      The general eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

      A ninth GI jogged up to the general, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”

      “Let me guess,” the general interrupted, “it broke down.”

      “No,” said the GI, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”

* * *

      Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

      So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

      Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm[35] in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

      “Boss”, СКАЧАТЬ