Трое в лодке, не считая собаки / Three Men in a Boat (to Say Nothing of the Dog). Джером К. Джером

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      Of course I had to turn every mortal thing out now, and, of course, I could not find it. I rummaged the things up into much the same state that they must have been before the world was created, and when chaos reigned. Of course, I found George’s and Harris’s eighteen times over, but I couldn’t find my own. I put the things back one by one, and held everything up and shook it. Then I found it inside a boot. I repacked once more.

      When I had finished, George asked if the soap was in. I said I didn’t care a hang whether the soap was in or whether it wasn’t; and I slammed the bag to and strapped it, and found that I had packed my tobacco-pouch in it, and had to re-open it. It got shut up finally at 10.5 p.m., and then there remained the hampers to do. Harris said that we should be wanting to start in less than twelve hours’ time, and thought that he and George had better do the rest; and I agreed and sat down, and they had a go.

      They began in a light-hearted spirit, evidently intending to show me how to do it. I made no comment; I only waited. When George is hanged, Harris will be the worst packer in this world; and I looked at the piles of plates and cups, and kettles, and bottles and jars, and pies, and stoves, and cakes, and tomatoes, &c., and felt that the thing would soon become exciting.

      It did. They started with breaking a cup. That was the first thing they did. They did that just to show you what they COULD do, and to get you interested.

      Then Harris packed the strawberry jam on top of a tomato and squashed it, and they had to pick out the tomato with a teaspoon.

      And then it was George’s turn, and he trod on the butter. I didn’t say anything, but I came over and sat on the edge of the table and watched them. It irritated them more than anything I could have said. I felt that. It made them nervous and excited, and they stepped on things, and put things behind them, and then couldn’t find them when they wanted them; and they packed the pies at the bottom, and put heavy things on top, and smashed the pies in.

      They upset salt over everything, and as for the butter! I never saw two men do more with one-and-twopence worth of butter in my whole life than they did. After George had got it off his slipper, they tried to put it in the kettle. It wouldn’t go in, and what WAS in wouldn’t come out. They did scrape it out at last, and put it down on a chair, and Harris sat on it, and it stuck to him, and they went looking for it all over the room.

      “I’ll take my oath I put it down on that chair,” said George, staring at the empty seat.

      “I saw you do it myself, not a minute ago,” said Harris.

      Then they started round the room again looking for it; and then they met again in the centre, and stared at one another.

      “Most extraordinary thing I ever heard of,” said George.

      “So mysterious!” said Harris.

      Then George got round at the back of Harris and saw it.

      “Why, here it is all the time,” he exclaimed, indignantly.

      “Where?” cried Harris, spinning round.

      “Stand still, can’t you!” roared George, flying after him.

      And they got it off, and packed it in the teapot.

      Montmorency was in it all, of course. Montmorency’s ambition in life, is to get in the way and be sworn at. If he can squirm in anywhere where he particularly is not wanted, and be a perfect nuisance, and make people mad, and have things thrown at his head, then he feels his day has not been wasted.

      To get somebody to stumble over him, and curse him steadily for an hour, is his highest aim and object; and, when he has succeeded in accomplishing this, his conceit becomes quite unbearable.

      He came and sat down on things, just when they were wanted to be packed; and he laboured under the fixed belief that, whenever Harris or George reached out their hand for anything, it was his cold, damp nose that they wanted. He put his leg into the jam, and he worried the teaspoons, and he pretended that the lemons were rats, and got into the hamper and killed three of them before Harris could land him with the frying-pan.

      Harris said I encouraged him. I didn’t encourage him. A dog like that don’t want any encouragement. It’s the natural, original sin that is born in him that makes him do things like that.

      The packing was done at 12.50; and Harris sat on the big hamper, and said he hoped nothing would be found broken. George said that if anything was broken it was broken, which reflection seemed to comfort him. He also said he was ready for bed.

      We were all ready for bed. Harris was to sleep with us that night, and we went upstairs.

      We tossed for beds, and Harris had to sleep with me. He said:

      “Do you prefer the inside or the outside, J.?”

      I said I generally preferred to sleep INSIDE a bed.

      Harris said it was old.

      George said:

      “What time shall I wake you fellows?”

      Harris said:

      “Seven.”

      I said:

      “No – six,” because I wanted to write some letters.

      Harris and I had a bit of a row over it, but at last split the difference, and said half-past six.

      “Wake us at 6.30, George,” we said.

      George made no answer, and we found, on going over, that he had been asleep for some time; so we placed the bath where he could tumble into it on getting out in the morning, and went to bed ourselves.

      Chapter V

      Mrs. P. Arouses us. – George, the sluggard. – The “weather forecast” swindle. – Our luggage. – Depravity of the small boy. – The people gather round us. – We drive off in great style, and arrive at waterloo. – Innocence of south western officials concerning such worldly things as trains. – We are afloat, afloat in an open boat.

      It was Mrs. Poppets that woke me up next morning.

      She said:

      “Do you know that it’s nearly nine o’clock, sir?”

      “Nine o’ what?” I cried, starting up.

      “Nine o’clock,” she replied, through the keyhole. “I thought you was a-oversleeping yourselves.”

      I woke Harris, and told him. He said:

      “I thought you wanted to get up at six?”

      “So I did,” I answered; “why didn’t you wake me?”

      “How could I wake you, when you didn’t wake me?” he retorted. “Now we shan’t get on the water till after twelve. I wonder you take the trouble to get up at all.”

      “Um,” I replied, “lucky for you that I do. If I hadn’t woke you, you’d have lain there for the whole fortnight.”

      We snarled at one another in this strain for the next few minutes, when we were interrupted СКАЧАТЬ