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СКАЧАТЬ Deep inside her there was still tension caused by fear, which made it impossible for her to concentrate fully and to let go, but nevertheless she felt peaceful enough to meet the day. Today was 31 October, Samhain, the darkest of the Celtic annual cycle feasts. As this feast was about accepting the darkness inside and outside, it was very important for Charlotte to celebrate with other women. She decided to join Barbara’s group, who always celebrated Samhain in a cave in the middle of the forest.

      That evening the women gathered in the forest. There were a lot of them and Charlotte blended into the group, almost unnoticed. Despite greeting those she knew and embracing some of them, Charlotte realised that most of them wouldn’t remember her later. Her power totem in the east was the fox, whose abilities she could trust blindly. Due to the way he could blend into the shimmering twilight at the edge of the woods, she would be able to melt into the group almost unnoticed. She would be seen but wouldn’t be noticed.

      When the women had all greeted each other, they started walking into the woods. Charlotte once again marvelled about all those women walking without hesitation into the pitch-black darkness on a very muddy path. They turned left in the woods and slowly started to climb down through the rustling leaves, step by step. Nobody spoke. A profound silence fell over the forest, broken only by the rustling footsteps and the occasional murmured warning of a slippery log, a big stone, or a dip in the path.

      Once in front of the cave they came to a stop. Its entrance opened black and silent before them, like a huge dark throat. Charlotte shivered. Everyone filed into the cave and squatted on the floor, close together. Slowly but rhythmically, they began to beat the drums. At first it was subdued but soon the beating of the drums vibrated throughout the cave and filled it completely. The darkness was so complete that they couldn’t see each other’s faces. Darkness, a void, the bare, cold earth: only the rhythmic solace of the drums gave them hope.

      Then the drums stopped. Silence. Nothing. The women kept silent too, everyone lost in her own thoughts. Samhain. Remembering those who had died this year. Thoughts about loss and mourning during the year. The void, darkness, coldness, winter, death. Seeking to honour and respect the ghosts and peers. Respect for new beginnings, which could only issue from death.

      One after another the women started to talk now. Some spoke hesitatingly, several full of sorrow, others more loudly and decisively. A few managed only a subdued whispering. They spoke about their losses in the past year, of death and dying, illness and inner difficulties. They talked about growing old and old age, of fear, of their struggle to accept death, illness and age. Others talked about the hope of the promised new beginning. About their hope that the circle would fulfil itself, their struggle to understand that from pain could grow happiness, and from sorrow and suffering could grow life and joy. Often you could hear their doubts. The big question, why did it have to be like that? Why was it necessary to have disease, old age, sorrow, desperation?

      It fell silent again in the cave. It seemed to Charlotte as if the goddess kept her silence about this eternal question, the one that hovers over mankind and was now also hovering above the women in the cave. The cave silently breathed blackness and dampness. Charlotte hadn’t shared anything about herself, had kept silent. She could still feel the fox inside her, watching out of sight. And her heart totem, the lynx, seemed to stand beside her, also very quiet and secretive. Charlotte snuggled against the stone walls of the cave, protected by her warm jacket so she didn’t feel the cold. She thought about her fears, about those frequently returning nightmares. Should she share those? She made contact with the earth beneath her and closed her eyes for a moment. In silence, the women began to leave the cave one by one. They would light a small fire on the hill above and share the food and goodies they had brought. That way, they would share their sorrows and console each other.

      Charlotte stayed behind. Suddenly she was all alone in the dark cave. Total darkness and absolute silence surrounded her. From a small passage that led down into the deeper parts of the cave there was a cool draught. She felt fear rising in her and reaching for her heart, sensed how the endless darkness of the earth reached out for her and panic rose within her. She forced herself to breathe deeply.

      'Calm, calm. Feel the earth under you. Feel the stability. Call the goddess.'

      Suddenly Charlotte felt that there was another presence in the cave. Once again panic spread through her veins. She felt hands grabbing her. Something touched her cheek. Images of naked backs beaten bloody, of mass graves – grey in grey, everything that passed before her mind’s eye, only the rhythmic stamping leather boots were shining black. Then that face again. Sarah. Large, sad – no, empty – eyes. Resignation. Denial. Sarah. How did she know that this woman who kept turning up in her dreams was called Sarah? Cold shivers were running down her spine. She tried to grab Sarah and embrace her protectively, but she couldn’t reach her. Sarah only stared mutely, imploring and out of reach.

      Charlotte suddenly felt a sharp, burning pain in her abdomen. Then she understood. Sarah, this woman, was part of herself, a part that suffered terrible pain and profound sorrow. Was this woman a symbol for the suppressed pain in herself, or was she a former incarnation? Today was Samhain and that meant the line between the worlds was at its thinnest. It was possible that on this day energies from other times and other worlds could get through to her.

      All of a sudden Charlotte heard the women singing as if from far away. One voice stood out clearly and the full sound allowed her to come back to reality. She managed to tear herself out of her frightened immobility. 'Please Goddess, help', she murmured. She repeated it once more, this time strong and clear, 'Goddess help me'. Now the cave seemed to receive her petition. She felt power, trust and a welcoming. In a low but clear voice she recited the mantra of the goddess:

      Goddess, Mother of all being,

      You, who are in everything that is.

      Let me feel your power.

      Let me recognise that I am part of nature, connected with all beings,

      Nurture me with your gifts,

      Purify, fortify and heal me.

      Fill my heart with love, light and joy.

      Take away my fear

      And release me from envy and destruction.

      May your almighty presence and power

      Shine in me, through me and around me

      In eternity.

      Amen

      While reciting the mantra of the goddess, she heard a whisper at her ear,

      'Write, write down the story of Sarah'.

      The whisper came only once, almost inaudible, but those words fell softly into her heart. She felt relieved. Of course, that was what she should do. She took a candle and an incense stick out of her bag. After lighting both she placed them before the holy stone of the goddess at the northern wall of the cave. Then she addressed all four cardinal points and thanked the four elements. Slowly she left the cave. On the hilltop she melted into the group of women unnoticed and shed her fox identity. Now she was able to celebrate, eat, laugh and talk. Later tonight she would begin to write. She would write down Sarah’s story. The first dream was clear in her mind. She would write it down tonight and let it be the start of the story.

      Whenever Charlotte found time and space in the following weeks, she wrote about Sarah. Some of her dreams were very clear before her inner eyes: the cruel games Hans and his friends played with the people at their disposal; the scene in the cellar. Charlotte did not always understand every part of the dreams. She wrote down what she remembered. Sometimes the line between dream СКАЧАТЬ