The Way of the Wall Street Warrior. Dave Liu

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СКАЧАТЬ a firm that employs intuitives on their staff to smoke out the liars and cheats. These human beings are naturally gifted at reading people. So make sure whatever you say is the truth, and if it's a half-truth, make sure you can live with it. Otherwise, be prepared to get ejected out as an imposter.

COVID-19 changed the way we interact with people, but you can't let your guard down. (Just ask Jeffrey Toobin.²) Rick Heitzmann was recently conducting a Zoom interview for a senior-level job at his company. The dude was crowded in the corner of his bedroom (which, of course, is fine… . I don't want to judge!), when suddenly the door opened in the background and his wife walked in and started making his bed! Rick was appalled: “Didn't she realize her husband was interviewing for a job? I mean for God's sake, there should be some minimum level of professionalism.” Needless to say, the candidate, who was also disheveled and seemingly unshowered, did not receive an offer.

My own meetings during COVID-19 are online and it never ceases to amaze me how people nonchalantly deteriorate over time. At first, people are dressed as though they're going to church in their Sunday best, but soon the scene devolves into something from the movie The Hangover. Please have a little decorum and try to pretend you're still in the office. Remember, you're the same person who always laughed at old guys who forgot to zip up their pants after going to the bathroom. If you don't course-correct soon, one day you'll wake up and be that guy doing online meetings naked and not even know it.

Customize; Don't Compromise

      It never hurts to go out of your way and make your mother proud with a dose of “Please” and “Thank You.” Remember, it's all about making a connection with the person who's interviewing you and making yourself look good in the eyes of your inquisitor. So at the end of any interview, immediately send a thank-you email, and not a generic one. As Harry Nelis, former Goldman Sachs banker and now partner at the venture capital firm Accel, recommends, “Try to remember something specific from the interview so your email distinguishes you from all the others.”

      Please read over your thank-you note carefully before sending it. Some email programs allow you to build in a delay, which I would highly recommend for those of you who tend to write like you speak—with reckless abandon. Otherwise, you might get some of these classics I've received:

       “Thank you so much for meeting me today. I really enjoyed speaking with you and learning more about your firm. [CUSTOMIZE INTRO AS NEEDED].” Nothing like getting a generic email to make you feel special.

       “Mr. David Liu, I really enjoyed speaking with you about career opportunities at your firm for Latina women. You are clearly a beacon for us.” And here I thought I was only a role model for Asian American men.

       “Mr. Dave Loo.” My personal favorite, especially from British candidates who showed immense self-control. I know I wouldn't be able to keep it together if Johnny Shitter interviewed me.

       “Please excuse typos. Sent from my iPhone.” You do realize that a typo is grounds for termination on Wall Street?

In general, I'm a big fan of pre-mortems, especially when it comes to interviewing. They're a tool I've used in which I imagine a best-laid plan failing and then work backward to figure out how it could have gone wrong. After I've prepared all I can, I replay in my mind all the ways I could screw up the interview and try to cover my mistakes with that last “thank-you” email before the interviewer either calls me back or sends me into the dumpster fire of dissed candidates. A good practice is to draft the email beforehand. Make sure to add something specific from your meeting which forces you to prepare to discuss something that has commonality with your interviewer; then be ready to press Send after the interview is over.

One final tip: Bribes work. The origin of to bribe is from the Old French, bribeor (beggar) and before that, the Romanic word, brimber (to beg). You should never be above groveling for a job; it greases the wheels of business, and in many cultures is even expected. So consider bribes as begging in polite company. But don't be gauche. Stick with the lowest level of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.³ Food is always welcome, and generally donuts and coffee will suffice. No cash, nothing too expensive, and definitely not sex.

      This works because of reciprocity bias, or the impulse to do what Jesus said: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”—but in a positive way. Wall Street is built on this. You do my deals, and I'll do yours. If you invest in my fund, I'll invest in yours. What started out as one caveman asking the other to scratch his hairy back, quickly devolved into co-investing in each other's funds to perpetuate a Ponzi scheme. Imagine, Wall Street might not have existed if a caveman had invented the back scratcher.

Know Oliver Stone from Oliver Twist

Hiring right is all about finding a great cultural fit. This is one of those insidious terms that no one can explain, but its absence is always grounds for not hiring someone. A simple way to think about it is as the sister of affinity bias, and one way to project this is through your media consumption, especially your movies. Now, everyone knows Hollywood doesn't know crap about Wall Street, so be sure to come across as the most astute cinephile this side of Orson Welles who can wax poetic about how off-the-mark these movies are when socializing with your interviewers, future boss, or anyone at the office who will listen. To help prioritize your time, I've listed them below in order of viewing priority:

       The Godfather (1972). What does the Mafia have to do with Wall Street? Everything! Every senior person you meet will liken himself to Don Corleone, even the women. Watch and learn. Oh, and if you're ever referred to as “Fredo,” watch your back!

       The Godfather: Part II (1974). Watch this to see what happens when you betray your firm. It doesn't end well. It also explains why your boss is such a jerk. They didn't start like that. Society made them that way.

       Margin Call (2011). All-time true-story fiction showing how Lehman Brothers really came within a gnat's hair of ending morning Starbucks macchiatos for everyone on both coasts.

       The Big Short (2015). Ever wonder how the Great Recession led to you moving to a trailer park? This is “Securitization for Dummies.”

       Trading Places (1983). Confidence-booster that provides scientific evidence that any schmuck can make it on Wall Street.

       The Wolf of Wall Street (2013). Mostly fictional account of the glamorous life of fourth-tier stockbrokers who you'll never meet at a real investment bank. Oh, except the dwarf-tossing. That's authentic.

       Glengarry Glen Ross (1992). This is about real estate salesmen, but they coined one of the mantras of all salespeople all over the world: ABC—Always Be Closing. Don't think defining your job as sales is too lowbrow. It's all about the sale! And don't think you deserve anything if you aren't generating sales. Remember Alec Baldwin's warning: “Coffee's for Closers!”

       Wall Street (1987). 100 percent complete and utter crap; a classic example of a Wall Street movie written by a Hollywood outsider who created characters that are bastard composites of multiple jobs. Little to no redeeming qualities except for creating the one-liner every wannabe investment banker cites to simultaneously prove how knowledgeable and douchey he is: “Greed Is Good.”

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