Catheter, Come Home. Steve Rudd
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Название: Catheter, Come Home

Автор: Steve Rudd

Издательство: Ingram

Жанр: Юмор: прочее

Серия:

isbn: 9781909548053

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       CATHETER, COME HOME

      Also by the same author:

       Arran Diaries

       Loitering with Tin Tent

       Two Returns to Arran

       Here Endeth the Epilogue

       Feasts and Fasts

       Zen and the Art of Nurdling

       The Domesday Hedge and other poems

       Twenty-Three Poems

       CATHETER, COME HOME:

       Six Months in the Hands of the NHS

       by

       Steve Rudd

      ISBN 978 1 872438 43 6 (Paperback)

      ISBN 978 1 909548 04 6 (Mobi)

      ISBN 978 1 909548 05 3 (ePub)

      CATHETER, COME HOME

      is typeset in New Century Schoolbook and published by The King’s England Press 111 Meltham Road, Lockwood

      HUDDERSFIELD,

      West Riding of Yorkshire

      HD4 7BG

      © Steve Rudd, 2012

      All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, copied or stored in any retrieval system without the express prior written consent of the publisher. This publication is issued on the understanding that it may only be bought, sold, lent or hired in its original wrapper and on the understanding that a similar condition, including this condition, is imposed on subsequent purchasers.

      The author asserts his moral rights under the Copyright Acts as amended, and under the terms of the Berne Convention

      eBook conversion by Vivlia Limited

      Dedicated to all the tireless workers of the NHS, who daily perform miracles despite the worst excesses of meddling politicians.

      Io non mori, e non rimasi vivo – Dante

      [“I did not die, yet nothing of life remained”]

       Author’s Introduction

      We are all just a heartbeat away from illness, in the same way as a musician is only ever as good as their last gig. My time in hospital coincided almost exactly with the opening months of the Coalition, which came into being following the rather botched, ineffectual General Election of May 2010, when the British electorate was unable to decide whether it loathed Gordon Brown more than David Cameron, or vice versa. Almost two years on, with the Tories determined to demolish the NHS in a top-down reorganisation that was never in any manifesto and which is costing billions of pounds, at a time when we’re allegedly so strapped for cash that we can’t keep the libraries open, maybe it might be a good idea to re-run the contest. Best of three, anyone?

      The NHS as portrayed in these pages was far from perfect, but it was the best NHS we had, warts and all, maintained on the same principles that went back to Beveridge in 1948.

      This isn’t meant to be a political book, it wasn’t me that made health a political issue, and I don’t think it ever should be. But then it wasn’t me who said I had no intention of ever dismantling the NHS, that I would cut the deficit not the health service, and then proceeded to do the exact, diametric opposite.

      STEVE RUDD

      The Holme Valley, Easter 2012

      NB: Names have been changed throughout this book, apart from the people mentioned in the list of acknowledgements (which is only partial) and certain people who are happy with their part in my story being known.

       1: Prologue

      My name is Steve Rudd. I ate a dodgy stir-fry and almost ended up in a coma. Sadly, however, unlike Life on Mars, I didn’t get to travel back to 1973 and drive Sam Tyler’s Ford Capri through the stacks of cardboard cartons on the corners of the rainy, grimy, cobbled back streets of Manchester; nor did I get to meet Gene Hunt and fire up the Quattro. Not any Quattro. Not even Suzi Quattro. Still, from my own recollections of 1973, it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, anyway.

      What it did mean, however, was that I spent about five months (give or take a few dreary days) in the care of a major Northern NHS hospital, serving a combined population of many hundreds of thousands of people across the Pennines.

      It had all started relatively innocuously. We were looking forward to our annual holiday on the Isle of Arran, and Debbie, my wife, had been busy getting the camper van loaded and ready. She was extra-busy as well, because she was job searching. She had decided that after 21 years being a residential social worker, enough really was enough.

      In 2009, despite being very ill herself, she had managed to battle through her course and qualify as a teacher of adult literacy. Now, with the summer holidays approaching, she was looking forward to graduating “officially”, and after the holidays she was going to come back and put in her official resignation straight away, thus ending her “day job” after 21 years as a residential social worker, while simultaneously applying for any and every teaching job going, before the start of the new term.

      So, change was in the air, as she spent time packing stuff into the camper van, ready for the off, and I, too, was counting down the days until we could load Tiggy on board, settle her down on her special little dog-bed in the back, leave Kitty once more in the tender care of Granny, and set off on our annual trundle up the M6, leading eventually to the ferry port at Ardrossan, to embark for Arran.

      We’d planned to go on July 19th 2010. As good a day as any, we thought. On July 8th, Debbie was doing one of her final overnight sleep-in shifts at Beech, leaving me on my own for the night. So I did what any self-respecting, self-catering husband would do, I decided to use up some leftovers. Leftover rice, from the day before, what’s not to like? Add a can of stir-fry vegetables. Some soy sauce, and turn the heat up. Sorted.

      I must admit, I had misgivings even when I was eating the stuff. Mainly, though, because I hadn’t heated it through enough, and it was a bit cold. I toyed with the idea of putting it back on the gas, but I knew I was going to be busy later, so I pressed on regardless, and had it lukewarm. I offered my leavings to the dog. She declined. Sensible dog.

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