Something New. P. G. Wodehouse

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СКАЧАТЬ fields—the woods—the birds——"

      Something across the room seemed to attract his attention and his voice trailed off. He inspected this for some time with bland interest, then turned to Adams once more.

      "What was I saying, Adams?"

      "The birds, your lordship."

      "Birds! What birds? What about birds?"

      "You were speaking of the attractions of life in the country, your lordship. You included the birds in your remarks."

      "Oh, yes, yes, yes! Oh, yes, yes! Oh, yes—to be sure. Do you ever go to the country, Adams?"

      "Generally to the seashore, your lordship—when I take my annual vacation."

      Whatever was the attraction across the room once more exercised its spell. His lordship concentrated himself on it to the exclusion of all other mundane matters. Presently he came out of his trance again.

      "What were you saying, Adams?"

      "I said that I generally went to the seashore, your lordship."

      "Eh? When?"

      "For my annual vacation, your lordship."

      "Your what?"

      "My annual vacation, your lordship."

      "What about it?"

      Adams never smiled during business hours—unless professionally, as it were, when a member made a joke; but he was storing up in the recesses of his highly respectable body a large laugh, to be shared with his wife when he reached home that night. Mrs. Adams never wearied of hearing of the eccentricities of the members of the club. It occurred to Adams that he was in luck to-day. He was expecting a little party of friends to supper that night, and he was a man who loved an audience.

      You would never have thought it, to look at him when engaged in his professional duties, but Adams had built up a substantial reputation as a humorist in his circle by his imitations of certain members of the club; and it was a matter of regret to him that he got so few opportunities nowadays of studying the absent-minded Lord Emsworth. It was rare luck—his lordship coming in to-day, evidently in his best form.

      "Adams, who is the gentleman over by the window—the gentleman in the brown suit?"

      "That is Mr. Simmonds, your lordship. He joined us last year."

      "I never saw a man take such large mouthfuls. Did you ever see a man take such large mouthfuls, Adams?"

      Adams refrained from expressing an opinion, but inwardly he was thrilling with artistic fervor. Mr. Simmonds eating, was one of his best imitations, though Mrs. Adams was inclined to object to it on the score that it was a bad example for the children. To be privileged to witness Lord Emsworth watching and criticizing Mr. Simmonds was to collect material for a double-barreled character study that would assuredly make the hit of the evening.

      "That man," went on Lord Emsworth, "is digging his grave with his teeth. Digging his grave with his teeth, Adams! Do you take large mouthfuls, Adams?"

      "No, your lordship."

      "Quite right. Very sensible of you, Adams—very sensible of you.

       Very sen—— What was I saying, Adams?"

      "About my not taking large mouthfuls, your lordship."

      "Quite right—quite right! Never take large mouthfuls, Adams.

       Never gobble. Have you any children, Adams?"

      "Two, your lordship."

      "I hope you teach them not to gobble. They pay for it in later life. Americans gobble when young and ruin their digestions. My American friend, Mr. Peters, suffers terribly from indigestion."

      Adams lowered his voice to a confidential murmur: "If you will pardon the liberty, your lordship—I saw it in the paper—"

      "About Mr. Peters' indigestion?"

      "About Miss Peters, your lordship, and the Honorable Frederick.

       May I be permitted to offer my congratulations?"

      "Eh, Oh, yes—the engagement. Yes, yes, yes! Yes—to be sure. Yes; very satisfactory in every respect. High time he settled down and got a little sense. I put it to him straight. I cut off his allowance and made him stay at home. That made him think—lazy young devil!"

      Lord Emsworth had his lucid moments; and in the one that occurred now it came home to him that he was not talking to himself, as he had imagined, but confiding intimate family secrets to the head steward of his club's dining-room. He checked himself abruptly, and with a slight decrease of amiability fixed his gaze on the bill of fare and ordered cold beef. For an instant he felt resentful against Adams for luring him on to soliloquize; but the next moment his whole mind was gripped by the fascinating spectacle of Mr. Simmonds dealing with a wedge of Stilton cheese, and Adams was forgotten.

      The cold beef had the effect of restoring his lordship to complete amiability, and when Adams in the course of his wanderings again found himself at the table he was once more disposed for light conversation.

      "So you saw the news of the engagement in the paper, did you,

       Adams?"

      "Yes, your lordship, in the Mail. It had quite a long piece about it. And the Honorable Frederick's photograph and the young lady's were in the Mirror. Mrs. Adams clipped them out and put them in an album, knowing that your lordship was a member of ours. If I may say so, your lordship—a beautiful young lady."

      "Devilish attractive, Adams—and devilish rich. Mr. Peters is a millionaire, Adams."

      "So I read in the paper, your lordship."

      "Damme! They all seem to be millionaires in America. Wish I knew how they managed it. Honestly, I hope. Mr. Peters is an honest man, but his digestion is bad. He used to bolt his food. You don't bolt your food, I hope, Adams?"

      "No, your lordship; I am most careful."

      "The late Mr. Gladstone used to chew each mouthful thirty-three times. Deuced good notion if you aren't in a hurry. What cheese would you recommend, Adams?"

      "The gentlemen are speaking well of the Gorgonzola."

      "All right, bring me some. You know, Adams, what I admire about Americans is their resource. Mr. Peters tells me that as a boy of eleven he earned twenty dollars a week selling mint to saloon keepers, as they call publicans over there. Why they wanted mint I cannot recollect. Mr. Peters explained the reason to me and it seemed highly plausible at the time; but I have forgotten it. Possibly for mint sauce. It impressed me, Adams. Twenty dollars is four pounds. I never earned four pounds a week when I was a boy of eleven; in fact, I don't think I ever earned four pounds a week. His story impressed me, Adams. Every man ought to have an earning capacity. I was so struck with what he told me that I began to paint."

      "Landscapes, your lordship?"

      "Furniture. It is unlikely that I shall ever СКАЧАТЬ