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CONTENTS

Cover

Title page

Praise

Barry Massive Robot Barry

Operation Reveal the Keel

Darren Darrenicey

The talent contest

Still the talent contest

Even stiller the talent contest

Still even stiller the talent contest

I’ve never minded that my name’s Barry Loser because my coolness has always cancelled it out, but ever since Darren Darrenofski joined school with his horrible little crocodile face he’s been completely ruining my life about it.

He’s always slurping on cans of Fronkle then burping in my ear.

When I complain that the burp is really loud and stinks of Fronkle he does this annoying little dance and sings ‘Barry Loser’s a Loser’ to the tune of ‘Happy Birthday to You’, which doesn’t work because it’s got too many syllables.

I was in the playground the other day when a ringpull hit me on the back of my neck and went down my jumper and into my pants. I turned round and it was Darren Darrenofski again.

‘Nice really long shoelaces, Barry Loser,’ he said, then he did a burp that went on for about an hour.

‘That’s how long they are,’ he said when it was finished.

‘At least I don’t look like a poo bum crocodile,’ I said back, which sounded a bit loserish when it came out of my mouth but it confused him enough so that I could run off before he threw his whole can of Fronkle at me.

Darren had got me worried that my laces were too long though and I spent the whole of Maths measuring shoelace lengths and came to the conclusion that he was right, so when I got home I cut a bit off each one.

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