The Ultimate Introduction to NLP: How to build a successful life. Richard Bandler

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СКАЧАТЬ someone who studied systems, I found this very interesting.

      So, Virginia offered to take me with her. She was doing some training with the staff in a mental hospital and when I watched her work, everything she did seemed to make perfect sense to me. The questions that she asked were very effective and very systematic, but all I could hear from the staff were things like ‘Oh, she’s a miracle worker! Isn’t she so intuitive?’ Translation into human: ‘It’s not my responsibility to learn these skills, because they’re based on who she is, not what she does.’

      Virginia understood that the map wasn’t the territory and she took that concept to a level that, to me, was a revelation. Of course, she did a whole lot of things – some of which you’ll get to learn later today – but basically what she did was, instead of interpreting what people said in a metaphorical sense, she took it literally. When someone told her things didn’t ‘look’ good, she assumed they were talking about a picture inside their head. And if they said something about the ‘sound’ of things, she knew they were referring to an internal sound. Most importantly, she understood that people needed someone who could ‘speak their language’, ‘see things their way’ or, if you prefer, ‘grasp their inner world’.

      Joe was confused. What did Richard mean by this?

      Now, let me give you an example that will make things clearer to you. One day Virginia is working with a couple because they are fighting so much their marriage is nearly wrecked.

      ‘He never does anything at home,’ the wife begins. ‘It looks as if he doesn’t even live there. I run around all day trying to make the place look decent and he just makes a mess out of it.’

      And Virginia goes, ‘I see what you mean, Lucy.’

      Guys, this woman keeps describing her pictures, and Virginia acknowledges this.

      Then Virginia looks at the husband and goes, ‘How about you, Bob?’

      Bob says, ‘She just screams all the time. It’s impossible to have a conversation with her. One minute everything’s quiet, then the next thing I know, she’s wailing about something I don’t even know about.’

      The husband tends to use lots of auditory or sound words. Do you hear that?

      Good. So Virginia goes, ‘I hear you, Bob. Now, Lucy, have you tried telling him these things without getting angry first?’

      ‘It’s impossible,’ Lucy says. ‘Look, I put the trash next to the door so that he sees it when he goes out. Will he take it out? No. Then I wait to see if he’ll take it out when he comes back. In the morning it’s still there. Then I see to it myself and when he shows up, I’m already fuming.’

      ‘OK,’ says Virginia, ‘let me see if I can give him a clearer picture. Bob, you heard your wife out. What’s your story?’

      ‘It’s like I told you, like she’s tuned me out or something. How am I supposed to know what’s going on if she doesn’t talk to me? It’s not that I enjoy the regular screaming and shouting.’

      After a brief negotiation, always matching her words to those of the person she’s addressing, Virginia gets Lucy to agree to try telling Bob what he’s supposed to see. In exchange, Lucy gets her way on another hot issue.

      ‘He tells me he loves me all the time,’ Lucy goes, ‘but he never shows it to me.’

      ‘How would you want him to show it to you?’ Virginia enquires.

      ‘I’d want him to notice if I put on some nice clothes or did my hair. I’d love it if he came home with flowers.’

      ‘I see,’ says Virginia. ‘Let me show you something, but you need to picture the words as well.’

      This is Virginia’s way of overlapping Lucy’s visual experience with her ability to talk and listen. This is what made her the genius she was.

      Then she turns to Bob and translates Lucy’s experience into something that he can understand: ‘Now, you listen to me. Are you aware that when your wife puts on a new dress and you don’t look at her, it’s as if you told her in the sweetest voice how much you loved her and she turned a deaf ear to you?’

      ‘Well,’ Bob retorts, ‘that’s exactly what she does.’

      ‘That’s because she needs you to tell her that you see her, that you watch her, that you pay attention to how she looks. Do you hear me on this?’

      ‘Loud and clear.’ Then to his wife: ‘It’s when I look at you and see how beautiful you are that I feel like telling you how much I love you. I just didn’t realize that needed to be said out loud. I’m sorry.’

      A smile crossed Joe’s face. His girlfriend talked an awful lot about how she saw their relationship, whereas he preferred to discuss things. ‘Wow, this is something that could really prove useful in strengthening our relationship,’ Joe said to himself, his inner voice suddenly more confident.

      Richard, too, had found it useful:

      So, in the first books we set out to design patterns that everybody would be able to learn. Everybody could learn to listen to what Virginia did and to ask the same questions as she did. In fact, you will learn more about it this afternoon. Is that correct, Alan?

      All heads turned. At the back of the room, Alan nodded with a knowing smile.

      Now, back in the Santa Cruz Mountains, one of my neighbours was an Englishman named Gregory Bateson.

      A brilliant man, very much of an intellectual, very well known, Gregory had read my first book – actually he had found it so interesting that he had ended up writing the introduction – and one day he said to me, ‘Richard, there’s something you need to do!’

      ‘What is it, Gregory?’

      ‘You have to go to Arizona and meet Milton H. Erickson.’

      ‘Who’s Milton Erickson?’

      ‘Oh, he’s a medical doctor and a very famous therapist! I’ve sent people over to see what he’s doing and no one has even remembered being there.’

      ‘Cool! That’s something I might like!’

      So we shot down to Arizona to meet with this guy who was considered – with every reason – to be one of the greatest therapists alive. We watched Milton work with clients, and when we got back, we wrote a book explaining how he used language.

      See, Milton stood out for me for three reasons. First, he was the one to theorize that the unconscious was always listening and that you could communicate at different levels of understanding even in what appeared to be a regular conversation.

      Second, Milton realized that feelings were contagious. That means if you want someone to feel good, you have to begin by going into a wonderful state yourself.

      Last, what was really admirable about Milton was that no matter how crazy somebody was, СКАЧАТЬ