Slim Chance. Jackie Rose

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СКАЧАТЬ frankly, because I knew I could write funnier stuff than the drivel they churn out every night. I didn’t even tell Bruce about it, but I assumed he’d move out there with me if I did manage to get a job like that.

      After letting me know in her own subtle way that she knew that Bruce and I have our problems, all Nicole really wanted was to be reassured that she was going to be a bridesmaid. “Of course you will!” I assured her. She’s heavier than I am. Not a lot, but enough.

      Annie couldn’t get off on Sunday afternoon, so we all agreed to meet her at work. The girl has the voice of an angel but the nose of a toucan, so getting work on Broadway (or even far, far off Broadway) was proving to be a little more of a challenge than her drama teacher had let on. Now she was waitressing at Grinds, an unpopular little café in the East Village. Over coffee and cheesecake (saboteurs, all of them!) the consensus seemed to be that I am a fabulously lucky girl to have found Mr. Right in New York City before the age of thirty.

      “You really look different,” breathed Annie, almost dropping my slice of Double Chocolate Oreo onto my lap. “You’re positively glowing.”

      “Oh, come on,” Nicole said, rolling her big brown eyes. “It’s not like she lost her virginity—she’s just getting married.”

      “Well, I do feel different. Like all the work we’ve put into our relationship has finally paid off. My whole life seems clearer now,” I said matter-of-factly. “Everything’s changed. For the first time ever, I can see the years stretching out in front of me and I’m not completely terrified, because I know that Bruce and I will be together forever.” Annie’s eyes widened at the romance of it all.

      Okay, so I may have been laying it on a little thick. But it was hard not to when Nicole was so obviously jealous.

      “The only thing different about you will be your ass if you keep eating cheesecake like that. And you’re talking like you just won an Oscar. ‘And I’d like to thank the Academy for helping me accept the proposal, and to Bruce, for the ring, and to…’”

      “Knock it off, Nic,” Kimby snapped. “This is a big deal.”

      “Yes, please. If you girls are going to get into a catfight, at least let me get my camera,” said Theo with a wave of his hand. Kimby and Theo are from the same sad little town in Iowa. They’ve been virtually inseparable since senior year of high school, when they tied for Homecoming Queen. They still live together, unable to deal with New York alone, even though Theo is making it big as a photographer and Kimby’s tours of the Museum of the Modern Art have garnered much acclaim.

      “I don’t see you turning any cake down,” I pointed out.

      “Maybe not,” Nicole said with a grin. “But I’m not the one who has to look better than I ever have in my entire life by next summer.”

      “Meow,” whispered Theo.

      “Well then you can just give me back my Thigh Master, then, since it’s just obviously collecting dust at your place,” I said. That might have been a bit mean. She’d had it for about two and half years, and very little progress had been made, although this probably wasn’t the right moment for pointing that out. I’d already decided that I was going to have to be extra nice to everyone for the next little while (Martha Stewart Weddings, Fall: “How To Be a Gracious Bride-To-Be”).

      Yes, sensitivity to my friends’ feelings would be crucial, now more than ever, especially since none of them had ever really managed to hang on to a boyfriend for more than thirty seconds, and in Theo’s case, maybe twenty. Nicole, most of all, would be the hardest hit, I predicted, since she hadn’t even had a boyfriend, yet alone been laid, since that brief (four-and-a-half-day) dalliance with her anthropology T.A. almost three years ago. And even though Nicole and I usually enjoy trading insults, this certainly wasn’t the time to rub my prenuptial bliss in her face.

      “Oh, I’m just teasing you, Nic,” I said. “Everyone knows that thing doesn’t work for shit and that Suzanne Somers had liposuction anyway. Nobody has thighs like that naturally.” Nicole smiled wanly and had another bite of pie.

      Even if I was the only one with a long-term prospect at this point, I’d spent five years watching them (except Nicole) flit more or less happily from man to man. On occasion, I’d even envied them their freedom. But now it was easy to see how they might be envying me. I was really going to have to try and be more compassionate.

      Kimby took a sip of her grande skinny hazelnut-pumpkin latte and cleared her throat. “Let’s change the subject.”

      “Yes, let’s,” Theo said, obviously disappointed that things weren’t going to get any uglier.

      Annie returned from the kitchen with another round. “Fill us in about the plans. I need details!”

      “Well, as Nicole so indelicately pointed out, we don’t really have that much time to pull this thing together if I want to be a June bride,” I said. “And things are already getting dicey.”

      “You mean with Bruce?” Nicole perked up, hopeful.

      “No,” I said, glaring at her. “Just with the plans. First off, the date we wanted was Saturday the tenth of June, but it’s booked everywhere….”

      “Hotels? Churches? What are we talking about?” asked Kimby impatiently.

      “My mom wanted a church…”

      “Of course,” said Annie, a lapsed Catholic herself.

      “…but Bruce and I insisted on a hotel or an inn. Thank God Bertie agreed, because they’ll pretty much be paying for the whole thing….”

      “Uh-oh,” said Kimby softly.

      “World War Three, anyone?” Theo said. Kimby bowed her blond head and looked at her lap, her narrow shoulders shaking with silent laughter.

      “Yeah well, whatever, but she’s been on the phone all week trying to find a place. I don’t think it’s going to be all that bad, you know. Bertie may be a lot of things, but cheap isn’t one of them,” I finished defensively.

      “Did she know Bruce was going to propose?” Annie asked.

      “No…”

      “Did she freak?” Nicole always wanted the gory details.

      “It wasn’t as bad as we thought, really. When we told her she seemed totally confused at first, but then she made a big show of it. I think she was in shock, completely overwhelmed. Who could blame her? I’m stealing away her only son.”

      “That’s one way to look at it,” Annie said. “But hopefully she sees it as gaining another daughter.”

      “Not this bitch,” said Theo. “But your optimism is refreshing, Annie.”

      “Well, she did force herself to hug me,” I continued. “Bruce doesn’t believe me, but I swear it was the first time the woman’s ever actually touched me. Can you believe that? I didn’t realize it till I felt her bony ribs. She was even crying a bit. I wouldn’t say it was exactly nice, because I was uncomfortable as all hell, I won’t lie to you, but it was…I don’t know…almost normal.”

      I was censoring, but just a bit. The first thing Bertie did when we told her we СКАЧАТЬ