Adults. Emma Jane Unsworth

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СКАЧАТЬ the hashtag so that the post simply says:

       PASTRIES.

      Full stop or no full stop? A full stop always looks decisive and commanding, but it can also look more cool and casual if you just leave the sentence hanging there, like, Oh I’m so busy in my dazzling life I don’t even have time to punctuate. The squalid truth is I over-punctuate when I’m stressed/excited. I can go four exclamation marks on a good/bad day. Exclamation marks are the people-pleaser’s punctuation of choice. It makes us seem eager and pliable. Excited to talk to you! You!!!! I always notice other people’s punctuation. When someone sends me a message with no exclamation marks or kisses, I respect them. I also think: are they depressed? Did I do something to offend them?

      Sometimes, I see people using whole rows of emojis, and I just want to hold them.

       PASTRIES

      Perfect.

      Yes, I think that probably says it all.

      Hm.

      Is it enough, though, really?

      Oh god. I just. Don’t. Know.

      ‘Can I help you?’

      I look up in fright. It is my turn at the counter.

      ‘Uh …’

      I look at the croissants on the rough stone plinth. I see now that there is a problem. I’m pretty sure – and I am very observant – that one of them is from yesterday. It looks stiffer than the rest, the way it’s hunched at the front, like it’s all uptight. It is a decidedly different texture and colour to the rest. I don’t know whether this suggests age, or some kind of bacterial contamination, or what. How did I miss this? I know that I am definitely going to get that croissant if I ask for a croissant.

      I am paralysed. I do not know what to do. I do not feel able to ask for a specific croissant, although I certainly feel I deserve one. I do a quick calculation. There are eight croissants there and the defective one is on my side rather than the server’s, so really it’s unlikely I’ll get lumped with it. I exhale. I decide to go for it. I need this experience, to fulfil my … planned experience.

      I speak. ‘One croissant, please.’

      The server nods, but then for some reason known only to herself, goes to take the CROISSANT OF CALAMITY from the front. I shout: ‘Oh, hey! Excuse me! Could I please not have that croissant?’

      I say it with fear and also with absolute rectitude.

      The server’s tongs twitch. She says, slowly: ‘They’re … all the same.’

      I say: ‘Could I just have one from the back please? Thank you!’

      Everyone is looking at me.

      She speaks slower still, as though I am an idiot. ‘But … they are all the same.’

      ‘That one is a slightly different hue, I believe,’ I say, quieter.

      She peers at the croissants. The person behind me in the queue comes forward for a look, too. The barista abandons the Gaggia and comes over. The cashier. They all look, and then they all stare at me.

      ‘It was a preference really,’ I whisper. ‘Please, just put any croissant in a bag.’

      She puts the croissant in a paper bag. It hits the bottom with a ding. I press my card on the reader and will it to bleep. Bleep for Chrissakes, bleep fucking fuckbud fucker.

      It bleeps. I pelt.

      I run into the Ladies, sling the croissant in the bin and have a short cry. It’s fine, though. People cry in WerkHaus all the time. They have these little soundproofed booths near reception for private calls, but mostly people just use them for crying in.

      When I’m done crying I take a piss. As I wipe, I check for blood, as always.

      I look at my phone.

       PASTRIES

      The sentiment remains the same, even if the truth has turned out differently. And it’s the sentiment that counts.

       PASTRIES

      In a way, it’s perfect. Factual. But I’m still not 100 per cent. I recall something Suzy Brambles once said in her ‘Incontrovertible Gram Tips’. She said: ‘Go with your first draft.’

      I change the words back to:

       PASTRIES, WOO! #PASTRIES

      Right. I feel almost ready to go on this. As a final check, I text Kelly.

      Kelly is my oldest friend and most trusted social media editor.

      Pls will you check one thing for me before I post

      No no I said no more of this

      Please

      No, you’re driving me mad with this daily bombardment

      It’s not every day!

      Mate, it’s most days

      Please I’m having the worst day already!!!! I was just served a defective pastry

      No

      I beg of you

      I am not endorsing this behaviour

      What behaviour???

      This lunacy. I don’t think it’s healthy. Or authentic

      Authentic???

      You said that we ‘grew up together’ in a post the other day. We were 22 when we met

      It made a better story! Anyway we almost did, in that we both grew up in the North!

      WTF

      Charlie Chaplin once lost a Charlie Chaplin lookalike competition

      DOUBLE WTF

      Well we inevitably put a filter on ourselves, don’t we? Even as honest people moving through society

      Stop intellectualising your problem. Life is not a lookalike competition

      Just sent you the post, pls review and feed back

      FFS

      She’ll read it. I know she will. She doesn’t do much while she’s waiting for her receptionist shift to start – other than watching blackhead-removal videos, which I think somehow give her a sense of universal equilibrium being restored.

      She replies after a few seconds:

      It’s fine. Really don’t know what you were concerned about

      Thank you x

      I bestow a kiss! I hope she really СКАЧАТЬ