Confessions of a Window Cleaner. Timothy Lea

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      “No. You won’t be seeing her again. Not if she sees you first.”

      “Who is it then?”

      “Nobody you know. Sup up and we’ll have a game of darts.”

      And that’s all he will say. Of course it preys on my mind and I’m playing like a wanker. Two pints it costs me before Sid rubs the back of his hand against his mouth and looks at his watch.

      “Right, off we go.”

      It’s overcast and a bit sultry as we cycle along and I envy the way Sid handles his bike. With the ladder on my shoulders I’m wobbling all over the shop.

      “Where are we going now, Sid?”

      “You’ll see.”

      We’re round the back of Balham Hill and I’m all of a tingle. What is Sid up to? We cycle past a row of lock-up garages and Sid hops off his bike and swings up his ladder all in one easy movement. I put both feet down and drop mine in the gutter.

      “Clumsy berk,” says Sid.

      Still with the ladder on his shoulder, he pushes open the gate of one of the semis and does a quick “dum, de, dum dum,” on the doorknocker before running his fingers through his hair and sucking his teeth. The door opens fast and there’s a bird of about thirty, standing there, wearing a short-sleeved blouse and a miniskirt. She has a large charm bracelet round her wrist and high-heeled furry slippers that make her look as if she’s balanced on a couple of rabbits. She has a bright-eyed cheerful face and it looks more cheerful when she sees Sid.

      “Hallo Sid,” she says, and I can tell by her expression that he doesn’t have to threaten her with a gun to get through the front door. Her eyes wander over him as if trying to remember bits that she particularly likes and she steps to one side to let him in. Then she sees me.

      “That’s my new mate, Timmy,” says Sid without turning his head.

      The bird’s face clouds over for a moment and then snaps back to normal.

      She gives me the all-over eyeball treatment and I feel as if I’ve been fed into an IBM machine.

      “I never reckoned you needed any help, Sid,” she says drily.

      “Very kind of you, Viv,” says Sid with dignity, “but you know how it is. You can’t stand still nowadays, otherwise you’re going backwards. If you’re going to get anywhere you’ve got to expand.”

      “Fascinating” says Viv. “Well, did you just come round to tell me how it was going to be you and Charlie Clore from now on, or was there something else?”

      “We’ve come round to do your windows, of course,” says Sid. “I just thought I’d introduce you to Timmy.”

      “Very nice. Hello Timmy.” She half drops her eyelids as she smiles at me and it’s very effective.

      “Timmy hasn’t had much experience—”

      “—oh dear.”

      “—and I’m keeping an eye on him for the first few days.”

      “You always were thoughtful, Sid.”

      “Yes, well, I’ll leave him to get on with it then.”

      “So I won’t be seeing you again, Sid?”

      “Oh yes. I’ll be around I expect, you know. I just thought that—”

      Sid’s voice tails away.

      “Yes?”

      “Well, you know.”

      “Yes.”

      Viv smiles an understanding smile which is obviously aimed at adding to Sid’s discomforture – and succeeds. Seeing that things are getting sticky I decide to take the initiative and step forward smartish only to be brought to a sudden halt in the doorway.

      “You don’t use that inside the house do you?” says Viv, “the rooms are quite small, you know.”

      I mumble something and take the ladder off my shoulder. Stupid berk!

      “Well, ta ta,” says Viv cheerfully.

      “Ta ta, Viv! Be seeing you. I’ll see you later.”

      “O.K. Sid,” I say and the door closes behind me.

      “In there,” says Viv smoothing down her skirt, and her hands don’t have a lot of work to do, I can tell you.

      “In there?”

      “That’s right.”

      Something about the way she says it makes me feel there’s going to be a bloody great four-poster behind the door but maybe it’s my imagination. I push the door open and I’m in the kitchen. She notices my surprise.

      “You want to fill your bucket, don’t you.”

      “Oh yes, of course.”

      She watches me do it and starts fanning herself with the Daily Mirror.

      “Bloody humid, isn’t it?”

      “Yes.”

      “I can’t stand this kind of weather. Makes me feel sort of itchy all over.”

      “How long have you been with Sid?”

      “On the window cleaning? Only today, but I’ve known him for a long time. He’s married to my sister.”

      I wonder if I should have said that but Viv doesn’t seem over-worried.

      “So you’re all living with your Mum and Dad?”

      “That’s right.”

      All this time she’s talking her eyes are wandering over me and there’s a sort of amused expression on her face. You don’t feel that she’s interested in any of the answers she gets but that she’s just trying to unwind you with conversation.

      “I don’t think you’ll get any more in there.”

      I turn off the tap and empty some of the water out of the bucket so it manages to spill across the floor.

      “Don’t worry,” she squeezes me just above the bicep. “You get on with the windows. I’ll clear this up. You’re a strong boy, aren’t you?” She fans herself with the paper so her tits wobble.

      “It’s so muggy, I’m going to take a bath. See if that doesn’t do any good. The bathroom curtains are in the wash, so don’t take any liberties, will you?” She reaches down underneath the sink and I practically need another pair of hands to keep the ones I’ve got from grabbing her. Talk about a nice arse. It shouldn’t be allowed, it’s so nice. Once СКАЧАТЬ